Week of February 2, 2003
Snape: POTTER! Fifty points from Gryffindor for lulling Fluffy! Sixty for killing a precious breed of Devil’s Snare! Seventy for crippling the only Suitable Key! Eighty for knocking out the best example of a mountain troll!
Harry: But that was..
Snape: Shut up! Ninety for breaking our new Wizards’ Chess (just because they repair themselves doesn’t mean you can beat them!) and A hundred for drinking the best potion I’ve ever made! Have I forgotten anything?
Voldemort: You’ve forgotten the other hundred for being out of bed at night, Severus…
Snape: That’s right! And.. er… Voldemort?!?!
Quirrel: What I mean is, you’re not a king yet. But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess!
Voldemort:Go on. *chuckles*
Quirrel: So, just sit back and relax, My Lord, because it’s time for you to meet today’s eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella! Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don’t let that cool you off. She’s a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,
Princess Fiona! So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?!?’
Voldemort: You don’t know what it’s like existing in a turban, do you?
Harry: I can’t say that I do..
Voldemort: It’s very sweaty! Nobody knows how I suffer!
Harry: Well.. It’ll be alright.. You get to be a hot teenage boy in the next movie!
Voldemort: I do? Goody!
Voldemort: I’ve got it! Have you seen that commercial on Muggle TV with that cute Muggle.. Britney Spears?!? *giggles*
Harry: Er.. Remember? The Dursleys don’t let me watch T.V., and hey.. is that in the script?
Voldemort: Anyway, did you hear what she said? ‘Pepsi: For those who turn young’! All I need is some Pepsi and can be young again! I don’t need the stone if that little container of liquid can turn me young again! MWAHAHA
Harry: Voldemort.. I think it’s ‘Pepsi: for those who THINK young’….
Voldemort: Quirrel! You told me I looked beautiful attatched to the back of your head!
Quirrel: How am I supposed to know what goes on back there? I asked the unicorn before I killed it, that’s what said you were beautiful!
‘Harry! You see what I’ve become? I’ve been reduced to a crappy-looking blurred picture in MuggleNet’s Caption Contest!‘
Voldemort: Harry, the time has come for you to die.. Your ‘mummy’ isn’t here to protect you now, is… hey.. doesnt’ this look like we’re underwater to you?
Harry: *Tries to talk but only bubbles emit*
Voldemort: What’s the deal? Chris, did you do something?
Chris: No, no, everything’s fine. We signed a contract yesterday with Disney, we’re now being sponsored by their underwater kingdom… Keep rolling
Voldemort: I don’t think Dan can breathe..
Chris: that’s the idea, see, we’ve negotiated terms with JK. Harry dies early in the series from drowning, we don’t have to waste time on any of the other films , and Disney sets up a memorial for him and uses it for their next year-and-a-half celebration! Now, can we please keep rolling?
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Voldemort: A..Are you serious?!?
Trelawney: I’m afraid so, Tom… I see nothing but dark times ahead of you.. The Grim haunts you daily.
Voldemort: Then I must murder the ugly beast..
Padfoot: Hey, who’re you calling ugly? Ever looked into a mirror yourself?
Voldemort: As a matter of fact I have, it showed me blowing up the world! And you’re not in this movie…?
‘Harry, is there something that conveniantly enough lies in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?‘
‘How dare you refuse, Chris! I play two roles, therefore I should get double salary!’
Voldemort: I haven’t picked up since.. since… the last time I picked up! Maybe I should try that Granger girl, she might be into the wrinkly-type!
Harry: No, unfortunately, she’s into the tall, gangly, freckly, red-haired, big-footed, big-handed type…
‘THAT is my most innermost desire?!? A head polisher and a buffer?!?’
‘So you see, unlike the wannabies, I actually DO have eyes in the back of my head! So don’t you go sticking ‘kick me’ signs on the back of ME you little nitwit!‘
Open Mic Night:
After his successful ‘I’m Too Sexy’ ploy last week, the Dark Lord has decided to try out his new ‘Can’t Touch This’ routine!
Voldemort: Harry, I am Sauruman, Lord of the Sith. Give me the One Ring and together we may rule the galaxy!
Harry: Yeah right, and I’m Indi-Neo Jones, the computer hacking archaeologist who lives in a Matrix.
‘The first one to call me Two-Faced gets a Crucio!‘
Voldemort: Hey, did you see SpongeBob last night?
Harry: Haha! Yeah! That was funny!
Voldemort: Yeah! Ah.. where were we… I will kill you, Harry Potter!
Harry: Oh, Moldy Shorts, oh, Moldy Shorts!
Voldey: Hey, shut up! I changed them just last year!
Voldemort: Together, we can bring them back!
Harry: Look, JK has said that we won’t see my parents alive, so that line won’t work on me!
‘Ah, you dare laugh in the face of I, Lord Voldemort?!? well.. a word of advice.. never do try a do-it-yourself face lift.. even if it promises youthful skin!‘
Voldemort: Harry, I am your uncle!
Harry: Don’t you mean ‘father’?
Voldemort: Don’t be silly! Do you honestly think I’ll descend into cinematic cliches?
‘I knew I shouldn’t have killed that Muggle chiropractor!’
‘Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Aren’t I the evilest of them all?!?’
‘Harry! You have to help me! I was auditioning for The Exorcist 2003 and my head got stuck!‘
‘Turn around Quirrell, I need to see the mirror; my mascara is running…’
‘Harry this is the last time I tell you. I am NOT Frank W. Abagnale Jr.! He got on the other plane!’
‘Can you hear me now? Good!’
‘Mummy didn’t love me!!!!’
‘So, Mr. Jackson, what do you see?’
‘At first I was afraid,I was petrified! ‘Kept thinking that I could never live without you by my side (or head)! But then I spent so many nights, searching for the Stone, and I grew strong, and I learned how to live alone! And so you’re back..’
Voldemort: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Sorry to break it to you, but it’s sooo Minerva McGonagall! Oh yeah, meow!