Week of April 6, 2003
Snape: Dearest, why are there all these Red-Haired people at our family reunion?
Elvira: Didn’t I tell you, hon’? My maiden name is Weasley!
Ron: That’s right, Snape, I’m your nephew! MWAHAHAHA!
Snape: Alright, people, who took the speech bubble?!?
Chris: Oh, that was yours?
Hermione: Does Snape always do that after he eats?
Percy: Only on Wednesdays…
-Anne and Sydney
‘Why aren’t you writing this down, Class?!? Let’s go over it again: It’s a jump to the left, then a step to the right. You put your hands on your hips, and then bring your knees in tight. It’s the pelvic thrust that will really drive you insane! Miss Granger, put your hand down! The Time Warp is a very powerful weapon in the fight against evil!’
Snape: Next question, please…
Student: Professor, how do you get your hair that greasy shade of black?!?
Snape: Oh! Well do you know those bottles of shampoo at the store?
Snape: Don’t buy them!
Student: Wow! Thanks! I’ll have to get rid of all my shampoo bottles right away! Goodbye, Herbal whatever!
‘Well, if it isn’t Harry Potter our new celebrity… Too bad your voice isn’t nearly as diabolically sexy as mine! MWAHAHA!’
‘Ms. Granger, I will not tell you again. Put your shirt back on and come back when you’re fully developed!’
‘You want to know WHY I’m always so vindictive? As the youngest child and last member of the Death Eaters, I was always the one who had to clean the toilets!’
‘And the next time you two are considering leaving bed, think about the time you had to take remakes of those fuzzy Caption Contest pictures!’
Harry: er… Professor Snape?
Snape: *hesitates* Potter, have you ever had.. ‘man trouble’?
Harry: um… that’s kind of persona–
Hermione: Oh, Professor Snape, I can tell you ALL about Harry’s struggles!
Snape: Alright, Class, who will be the first to test my beautiful Shrinking Potion?
Ron: Umm… er… Exactly which part of us will shrink?
Snape: Potter, sorry to inform you but I must pass you from this class…
Harry: ALL RIGHT!
Snape: No shouting, Potter, 100 points from Gryffindor!
Harry: awww.. *mutters* you suck…
Snape: Another 50!
‘Mwahaha, little to the saps at MuggleNet know, it was I who persuaded Steven Kloves to remove Oliver Wood from the Third Movie! First I… Hey, you with the camera… How much of that did you just here?!?!?’
Snape: Reading magazines during class, Miss Granger..?
Hermione: It’s Entertainment Weekly, Professor… *holds up magazine*
Snape: Ooh! Is that Catherine-Zeta Jones on the front cover?!?
‘See? I can’t be a vampire! This ray of light is right on me! And it’s even making my hair look more greasy…I mean.. shiny. Er… Fifty points from Gryffindor…’
‘I HATE the Caption Contest! WHY AM I NOT CENTERED?!?’
Snape: There are many mysteries in our world… Some which have been baffling great wizards for centuries and some that we may never understand…
Hermione: What kinds of Mysteries, Professor?
Snape: Well, for instance:
1) How does Eric make the Caption Pictures so blurry each week?
2) Why is it that some pictures have speech bubbles, and others do not?
3) And how does this dungeon appear to be so well lit?
Yes, powerful enigmas of the human mind…
‘Hello, my name is Severus. I enjoy long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and outdoor Baroque concerts under the stars…’
‘HEY! Who stole my speech bubble? Fifty points from Gryffindor!’
Snape: Not a word, Lumiere, not one word!
Harry: I don’t mean to intrude, but I’ve lost my broom and I need a place to stay for the night…
Snape: Shush, Shush! *puts hand over Lumiere’s mouth but is burnt by his candle hands* Ouch, oww!
Lumiere: Of course, monsieur, you’re welcome here!
Harry: Who said that?!? *picks up candle holder, unaware that’s who Lumiere is*
Lumiere: *Taps on the shoulder* Over here!
Harry: *spins around, swinging Lumiere to the other side* WHERE?!?
Lumiere: *Taps Harry on the head, Harry sees him* ‘Allo!
Harry: Oh! *drops to the floor* Incredible!
Snape: *Walking over* Well now you’ve gone and done it, Lumiere. Splendid, just peachy–aaaargggghh! *picked up by Harry*
Harry: Now how is this accomplished?!?
Snape: Put me down at once! Lumiere, you’d think that after all the time he spent at Hogwarts he’d recognize an enchanted castle when he saw one!
‘Before we begin class I would like to thank the Hufflepuff Girls for last night…’
Snape: How come I never get to be interviewed by Rita Skeeter? I look so good in close-ups!
Snape: So… is this good?
Chris: Try to twist your face a little more… little more… perfect, there! You look just menacing enough.
Snape: Why don’t I just screw my face off and be done with it?!?
Harry: Good idea! You’d be performing a World-Wide favor!
‘Dumbledore! Filling in empty speech bubbles for Muggle websites was NOT in my job description!’
‘You’re thinking I can read your mind again, aren’t you, Potter?’
Snape: Put down that hand, you silly girl!
Hermione: But, Professor I…
Snape: Put it down!
Snape: *sniff* say.. what is that unearthly smell?
Hermione: I was going to tell you I had to go to the bathroom!
‘That’s it.. 500 POINTS FROM ANYBODY WHO ENTERS THIS CONTEST AND TRIES TO MAKE ME SAY ALL KINDS OF STUPID THINGS!’
Alan: Listen, Dan, while we’re out of character for a moment.. could you..
Alan: *shuffles up a clean piece of parchment* …sign this for me?
Ron: Hey, too bad we couldn’t get along like this in the books!
Hermione: Then we wouldn’t sell as well, Rupert…
Ron: Yeah.. I guess..
‘I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and get rid of all your happiness!’
Reporter: So what’s it like working in Harry Potter? Do you get paid well?
Snape: *Blank look* I can only afford one lit candle… WHAT DO YOU THINK?
‘Hey, I found Waldo too!’
Candle: ‘CHRIS!!! Do I have to stand next to him?!?’
Snape: Potter! Did I not tell you that Muggle cameras are not permitted in my Potions class?!?
Harry: Professor, I’ve taken up Muggle Studies, and our assignment is to get a Caption Contest Photo…
Snape: Is it for MuggleNet?
Snape: Weasley! Get my hair potion, my life-long dreams are about to be fulfilled!
‘Can I trade this job for what’s behind Door #3?!?’
I wish I were Eric the Caption Man….
‘Can you hear me now? Good!’
Snape: As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don’t expect you will really understand the beauty of softly simmering cauldrons *stops* Can we please change the lines, Jo? Why would I use ‘softly’, ‘simmering’, and ‘foolish’ to describe things, when I’m the meanest teacher here!
JKR: No! That is the way I wrote it and you can’t change it! *starts to cry*
Snape: Alright… We can do it your way…
JKR: Thanks.. *turns, smiles, and laughs*
Snape: However there are still some of you with abilities so formidable that you choose to not…pay..attention!!!
Hermione: *Nudges Harry*
Harry: *Looks up*
Snape: Tell me, Potter, why is there a speech bubble next to my head?
Harry: I don’t know, sir…
Hermione: *Waves hand*
Snape: Clearly, you haven’t visited MuggleNet.com!
Harry: But I DID!!!
Snape: Miss Granger!
Hermione: It’s for the Caption Contest!
Harry: Well how was I supposed to know that, Hermione?!? I visited the Caption Contest just last week and there wasn’t a speech bubble then!
Snape: *To Mirror of Erised* I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, gosh darnit, people like me!!!
‘What do you mean I can’t be in the band? I grew my hair out for nothing?!’
Snape: Oooh… 72 Days.. I can’t wait!
*A DAY LATER*
*A Day Later*
*a day later*
Snape: Come on, JK, just give us the book already!
‘I can teach you how to bake beans, how to boil eggs, and even pickle an onion, but I can not teach you how to brew a potion to my pedantic standards.’
Snape: *Thinking* Wow, Harry Potter! Hmm.. should I be nice? Or mean? Nice or mean? Nice or mean? Nice or mean? Nice or mean? *half an hour later* Nice or mean? Nice or mean? Nice or mean? *one minute before class ends* POTTER, I HATE YOU!!!
Snape: I wanted this to be professional. Efficient, adroit, cooperative, not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi…
Harry: Oh not again, he’s quoting ‘Die Hard’. He must really love that movie.
Hermione: Um, Professor Snape? I thought we were going to do a new potion…
Snape: Silence Mrs. McClane, 10 points will be taken for your smart mouth.
Ron: Professor, that’s Hermione, not Mrs. McClane. You’re quoting ‘Die Hard’ again… You’re not Hans Gruber again, you’re just a Potions master.
Snape: I am an exceptional master, Mr. Weasley, and since I am moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite.
Harry: Forget this, I’m going to Dumbledore and I don’t care if he’s going to try and kill me.
Snape: Ok, Expellaramus! *Saps spell at Harry*
Dumbledore: Snape, have you been watching ‘Die Hard’ again?
Snape: What idiot put you in…
Dumbledore: Stupefy! Sorry students, but Potions is cancelled for the time being and I think Professor Snape should stop watching Muggle action films.
Harry: You’re telling me? He’s been quoting anything with Alan Rickman and Sirius will quote anything with Gary Oldman in it and he thinks he’s Sid Vicious. What’s next? Filch quoting Gollum?
Filch: *Off-screen* Precious!!!!!
Alan: Chris! I told you I wanted my hair flipped inward! 60 points from Gryffindor!
Snape: What do you mean, Miss Granger? ‘Now isn’t the time to practice the art of seduction’?
Hermione: Well, we’re.. kind of in the middle of class, sir…
Snape: Well I need to practice sometime if I ever want to score with Madam Hooch!
Snape: When I was five years old, my father would not buy me an Oscar Meyer Weenie Whistle. And when I was six, my mother wouldn’t buy me a Play-Doh Machine. And when I was seven…
Ron: Mental, that one… I’m tellin’ ya…
Snape: Potter is a little git, little git, little git! Potter is a little git, who likes his best friend’s girl!
Draco: Like my Imperius Curse, Potter?
Draco: Good, cause I’m not using one!
Snape: Now now, who can tell me.. Where to find a bezoar?!?
Hermione: Stomach of a goat, Professor…
Snape: Er… Good.. you knew it.. umm…. What’s the other name for Monkshood and Wolfbane?
Hermione: Aconite, Professor!
Snape: Alright.. umm… What’s the proper name for Mandrakes?
Snape: ARGH! ….. …… *ponders* …… ….. What’s the–
Hermione: Order of the Phoenix, founded in 1943 by–
JK: STOP! STOP! You’re ruining the secret!
Snape: Yeah, really! 500 points from Gryffindor