Week of July 13, 2003
‘Hurry up with these quizzes, children, Bugs Bunny will be wanting his teeth back…’
‘I do say, Mr. Weasley, your left cheek is so much redder than your right cheek! Don’t you agree, Mr. Potter?’
Lockhart: And that, boys and girls, is how I got my teeth so shiny white! Brush twice a day and keep the chizpurfles out of the way!
Ron: *to Harry* what in the world is a chizpurfle?
Harry: no idea, Ron, just smile and nod… smile and nod…
‘Yes, Harry, I do get dressed in the dark!’
Lockhart: Top marks, Mr. Weasley! Why, you’d’ve thought Miss Granger would have gotten that!
Ron: *sticks tongue out at Hermione*
Lockhart: Oh, I’m sorry… this is Miss Granger’s paper!
Lockhart: That’s right, boys and girls! These are baby photos of Eric! Aww, isn’t he cute?
Eric: HEY! WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE?!
‘Yes, Mr. Weasley, these are your new rectangular speech bubbles!’
‘Be forewarned! I am to prepare you for the darkest and most feared things known to wizard kind! …Take this simple test, for example! I don’t know the answers to it! And I wrote it! That alone should scare you!’
Ron: ‘Once they stopped filming, you’d think he’d stop making those faces at us!’
‘…and one for you, for you, another for you, and one for you. Now, does everybody have my signature with them?’
Kenneth: Alright, class! Here’s a quiz, and the funny part is, the questions are all about me!
Dan: Uh, Kenneth, that’s not your line?
Kenneth: That’s Mr. Branagh to you, boyo. It doesn’t matter anyway. Chris will delete this scene for the final cut.
Dan: But… it’s one of the best parts of the book!
Kenneth: Well, what did you expect? He’s not even filming the Valentine’s Day scene!
Lockhart: Harry, what is this rubbish?
Harry: Err… I was going to submit that to the Caption Contest, sir…
Lockhart: Surely you’re joking, that would never make it!
‘Alright, class, I have your first DADA tests graded and I’ll hand them back. Now, Harry, you’ll kindly notice in number ten, ‘What is your opinion of Gilderoy Lockhart?’ I specifically requested that you refrain from foul language, so I took 5 points off your test. And similarly for you, Ronald, in number 14, ‘What would you like to see happen to Gilderoy Lockhart in the next few years?’. So, I took 10 points off of your tests…’
‘See, boys, isn’t it horrible being young actors today? I mean to say, look at all these numbers on my paycheck and all the zeros on yours!‘
‘Who would like a photograph of me giving out photographs of me?!’
Lockhart: ‘*Begins to speak* a…what was I going to say again?’
‘I had some facial muscles removed so that I’m always smiling. The cameras love when I smile, you know!’
Ron: ‘Let me introduce you to our new Defense Against the Dark Nutters teacher!’
Ron: *whispers* Does Lockhart ever stop smiling?!
Harry: I dunno… I think his face is stuck like that…
Hermione: *turns around* Don’t talk about him like that!
Lockhart: Alright, class, I have your test scores! I’m disappointed in some of you, but most of you did well! Ah, Harry, excellent job! You received an A+! And as for you, Ron, I’m very disappointed. You should have paid more attention in class…
Ron: *to Harry* What was he talking about? You copied those answers off my parchment!
Lockhart: Now, I’ll be passing back your papers…
Ron: What did you get, Harry?
Harry: A signed photo?!
‘Haha, and the lovable character who you thought was going to die in Book Five was me!‘
Lockhart: *smiles* My dear Ron, next time you’d like to write ‘Lockhart Wears Dentures’, please do not settle for the top of your test paper, thank you!
Harry: I told you that wasn’t invisible ink!
Ron: You’d think they wouldn’t let him come back after what happened in Second Year…
Harry: Yeah, I know…
Lockhart: Hey, you, next to the red-head. Where’d you get that scar?!
‘Harry, Harry, Harry… when you dress like a giant Galleon, ALL the girls notice you!’
‘Yes, Mr. Weasley. All you need to do is fill out these forms, and your Girl Scout Cookies will be here within the week!‘
Lockhart: Yes, Harry, I do have perfect teeth. Thanks for asking!
Harry: *mutters* I never asked…
Lockhart: ‘Okay, class, I’m giving out a pop quiz! Because I likecolors that pop!‘
Harry: Uuuh Right..
‘Now, for those of you who had the nerve of being unprepared for class, this short little quiz does not require much information from my books;’
Question 1: List the first word of each of my books.
Question 2: Write a brief description of each of my many acheivements.
Question 3: What color are my eyes?
Question 1,327,763: What color were my robes when I saved a town from a werewolf?
…One hour later
‘That wasn’t so dreadful, now was it?’
Gilderoy: I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and…