Week of August 31, 2003
Ron: Visiting Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum was a great idea, Harry!
Harry: Yeah, that wax figure looks just like Snape! Complete with an evil sneer and all!
H & R: Professor? Are you alright?
Snape: J-just l-l-leave before I find a w-way to get this-s sn-n-nitch out of my pants!
Snape: Why did you tell everyone?!
Harry: Tell everyone what?
Snape: That I still sleep with my blankey!
Ron: We didn’t… but you just did.
Snape: Could it be that you two are just in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Harry: *whispers* I don’t think he sees us!
Ron: *whispers* we’re not under the Invisibility Cloak, moron!
Snape: Harry, I am your father!
*Harry looks aghast, everyone gasps, stunned silence*
Lockhart: *looking smug* Ha! I knew it! Too bad, I know the exact counter-curse that could have spared this…
Snape: Sorry, it’s just hard to keep words straight when there aren’t any speech bubbles to hold them…
Snape: Potter! Your double looks nothing like you! 56 points from Gryffindor!
Ron: Wait.. I’m confused…
‘Potter, Professor Lockhart wearing bellbottoms is beside the point entirely!‘
Snape: 10 points from Gryffindor!
Harry: Sure thing, Snivilly…
Snape: What?! You’re not supposed to know about that until 5th year!
Harry: I know! Isn’t it great?!
Snape: Welcome to Hogwarts’ Official Hall of Frozen Teachers…
Snape: What do you mean you don’t like my double Potions classes?
Ron and Harry: Well.. err.. it’s… *mutter under breath* awful…
Snape: *Singing and crying* Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I’ll go eat worms…
Harry: Hahaha! That would be funny!
Ron: *Nudges Harry*
Harry: I mean bad…
Snape: What are you two doing here this late at night?!
Harry: *Thinking quick* We’re.. uh… walking around with basil in our pockets… trying to keep away the elephants…
Snape: I don’t see any elephants…
Harry: Works pretty good, then, doesn’t it!
Harry: *quietly* The floor is wet behind Dumbledore… why is that?
Ron: *also quietly* He is very old and, well, you know….
Albus: I am very old, Mr. Weasley, but my ears and my bladder are working perfectly…
Snape: Watch this, Potter! Ready? Five, six, seven, eight!
*teachers start dancing*
Ron: ‘If you’re greasy and you know it clap your hands…’
Harry: Didn’t your mum ever tell you your face could get stuck like that?
Snape: It is stuck! 100 points from Gryffindor!
Snape: …and for your information, Potter, Dumbledore is nothing but a-
Snape: *screams like a girl and runs into a classroom*
Snape: Occlumency, Potter! Now, Weasley, care to demonstrate? *Occlumences Ron*… Well, well… we’ll just have to tell Hermione about the one where…!
Ron: Oh no…
Snape: First it was stealing the cookies from the cookie jar.. which is a terrible crime. Now it’s moved on to stealing cream filling from Twinkies?!
Ron: Honestly, Professor! It wasn’t us!
Harry: Ask Hermione! She was the one who stole the cookies!
Snape: If one of you don’t fess up soon I’ll have to ask Dumbledore to expel you…
Albus: *thinking* And Severus thinks it’s them? For it is I who has the fondness for Muggle sweets…
Lockhart: Severus! There you are! Come with me now – we’ll take you back to the nut house straight away!
Harry: Professor Snape, why did you scream? It’s the middle of the night!
Snape: I’m sorry, but there’s all these anonymous feet surrounding me!
‘My hair is as slimy as a fresh pickled toad,
My misery is dark as a blackboard,
I wish it were mine,
It’s truly divine,
Head and Shoulders with added conditioner!’
Snape: Please make them go away! Before they see me crying!
Harry: What was that, Professor Snape? ’50 points to Gryffindor’?
Snape: Fine, just get them away!
Snape: Potter! I thought I told you not to enter my pensieve!
Harry: *Thinking to self* No wonder this is Snape’s worst memory!
Lockhart: *Singing in the background* I’m a little tea pot short and stout!
Snape: Potter! Weasley! Eighty points from Gryffindor for sneaking out last Tuesday night!
Harry: *Confused* But how’d you know? We were invisible…
Snape: Just thank Eric – he put your picture up for last week’s Caption Contest!
Snape: 50 points from Gryffindor!
Ron: What?! We didn’t do anything!
Harry: What was that for?
Snape: *Shrugs* No reason…
Harry: Green light… Red Light!
Ron: Snape! You moved, go back to the starting line!
Snape: Not fair!
Harry: Ron! It’s Snape!
Snape: *Evil glare* That’s right, Potter, and I welcome you..
Harry: …to where?
Snape: Your WORST NIGHTMARE! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
Snape: *still laughing* …aHaHaHa!!!
Snape: *falls over* …AhAhAhA!!!!
Harry: … Can we go to dinner now?
Harry: But it’s not my fault, Professor Snape!
Harry: She had to worry about how she’d look! And how she’d be thought of by the others! And then how I would think of her! And also what she would do if I didn’t like her! And then she had to consider everything about what people say about me!
Harry: I told Hermione that it wasn’t possible! I told her Cho’s head would explode if she had to think of all of that!
Snape: So.. you’re blaming Rowling for this mess?
Albus: Ah, Mop Man! Thank you for coming so quickly!
Snape: Not a problem, where is the mess you described?
Albus: Follow those two boys.. they will lead you to the site.
Snape: Alright, *walks up Ron and Harry* where to?
Harry: Oh, and first.. we were wondering…
Ron: Could you give us your price and the price of your leading competitors?
*The Hogwarts Staff and Students: Progressive Customers*