Week of September 21, 2003
Lockhart: Fame is as fame does, Harry.
Harry: Does what?
Lockhart: Er… I dunno.
Harry: Oh, come on, fame must do something…
Lockhart: Hmm… perhaps Dumbledore knows…
*Three hours later, Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, Rita Skeeter, Viktor Krum, Ludo Bagman, The Weird Sisters, and many other famous wizards are crowded in the office*
Dumbledore: Right, so let us get this straight. We all agree that fame does something… because if it didn’t, nobody would know who we are, right?
Rita Skeeter: Yes, but what is it that fame actually does?
Ludo Bagman: Anybody fancy a game of Quidditch?
Krum: Oooh! Me! Me, Mr. Bagman, I vould!
Fudge: Maybe, people who do Quidditch, are famous because fame does Quidditch!
Harry: No, but fame can’t play Quidditch because fame isn’t a real person, is it?
Dumbledore: We really need an 83rd opinion on this… Somebody get Merlin!
Harry: Professor Lockhart! Did you hear that voice?
Lockhart: Yes, Harry, it’s just Gladys Gudgeon. You see, it gets so damned annoying having her write to you every day, so I just locked her up in my wardrobe! Bless her…
Lockhart: I am beautiful, no matter what they say… sing along, Harry! Words can’t bring me down! Oo-oohhh!
Harry: Oh, God, kill me now…
Lockhart: Oh my!
Lockhart: This magazine article says that blondes have a shorter life span than brunettes!
Harry: …Can I borrow that?
Lockhart: Um… sure… *hands it over*
Harry: *Thinking* Wait until I show this to Malfoy!
Lockhart: Harry, if you would like to be famous like me, you must first learn how to be famous.
Harry: …You mean how to dress funny and sing hits from West Side Story?!
Harry: You know, professor, I definitely think you should be on Muggle television…
Lockhart: Yes? *very excited* I suppose they would admire me very much! But on what show?
Harry: Well, there’s an Oprah show about pathological liars on an ego trip next Sunday!
Harry: What have you got there, Professor?
Lockhart: Oh, just a photo of me when I was in Egypt. I took on a most challenging enemy there, you know…
Harry: Oh, really?
Lockhart: Two creatures with flaming red hair tried to lock me up in one of the pyramids!
Lockhart: *Writing very carefully* let’s see now… It’s an L… then an O… now curve the C… next a H… *scribbles out* No, no, no, a K…
Harry: That voice! Didn’t you hear that voice?
Lockhart: Voice? What voice?
Harry: It said ‘If you’re a freaky teacher who wears a toupee and is in love with himself, you will be doomed to death if you don’t get out of this school tonight’!
Lockhart: Freaky teacher? I guess I could be… Toupee? Yes, I’ve worn one for years! In love with himself? Yes, yes I am! Oh no! I must go! *Runs out*
Harry: *Smirks* Somehow I knew that would work…
Harry: Professor! Watch out! The Banden Banshee’s right behind you!
Lockhart: Ha-ha, Harry. I got rid of that banshee ages ago… and.. even if I hadn’t, you still wouldn’t be getting out of detention early!
Harry: *under breath* Rats…
Lockhart: *Reading* I love you, Gilderoy! Come save me from the dullness of my life on a prancing white pony (and wear spandex)!…
Lockhart: *Still reading* To find me, look for the Burrow. Love always, Molly Weasley
Harry: Double gross!
Harry: Professor, I was hoping you could sign a note to the Restric…
Gilderoy: Who should I sign it to? ‘To Harry, my biggest fan!’?
Lockhart: Ah, yes! Another marriage proposal! When will they realize that I’m going to be a bachelor forever like George Clooney?
Harry: Let me see that!
Harry: Um, professor? This is your bill from getting that manicure and perm last Tuesday.
Lockhart: *Mutters to himself* It was an easy mistake.
Lockhart: *Opens letter* Why Harry! This one’s from you!
Gilderoy: *Flipping through photo album* Ahh, good times… See this photo, Harry? This is a picture of Sybil Trelawney and I when we were dating…
Harry: Really? You two dated? What happened?
Gilderoy: She Saw that she would break up with me…
Harry: And then what?
Gilderoy: I called her a fraud and broke up with her!
Lockhart: Harry, it’s time you learned the secret to success. It’s… supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, if you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay, um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Harry: I think I get it! Because I was the boy who lived when I was just a lad, me uncle gave me nose a tweak and told me I was bad. But then one day I learned a word that saved me achin’ nose, the biggest word you ever heard, and this is how it goes:
Lockhart and Harry: Oh! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, if you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
*Harry leans close to Lockhart*
Harry: I see dead people…
Lockhart: Umm… Harry? How do you spell ‘Gilderoy Lockhart’?
Lockhart: Oh, thank you, Harry!
Harry: Ron, why did you use the Polyjuice Potion to make yourself look like Lockhart?!
Ron: So Hermione would finally notice me, of course!
Lockhart: Merlin’s beard! I wish Professor Sprout would stop sending me pictures of herself!
Lockhart: Oh… Did I say that out loud?
Lockhart: Fame is a fickle friend, Harry. Remember that…
Harry: Oh yeah? Well if ‘Fame’ visits me, do I have to dye my hair blonde and put in fake white teeth?
Harry: *Thinking* Why is he smiling?
Lockhart: *Thinking* Why am I smiling?
Lockhart: Sit still, young man. I’m just about done…
Harry: Cool! I’ve never had a caricature done before. Where did you learn to do it?
Lockhart: In a very dark African jungle… An old tribal king taught me, and I have carried on his art. *Holds up picture*
Harry: Hey! That’s a stick figure! You’re no artist!
Harry: What’s so funny, Professor?
Lockhart: That little monkey!
Lockhart: Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Curious George?
Harry: Oh! I just love the Man in the Big Yellow Hat!
Lockhart: What is Waldo doing in a Curious George book?!
Harry: Professor? Professor?
Lockhart: Connect the dots, lalala… Connect the dots, lalalala…
Lockhart: I feel pretty, oh so pretty… I feel pretty, and witty, and gay…
Harry: *Mutters darkly* I don’t know about witty, but you are pretty gay…
Eric: I won’t be able to put that up if you are implying –
Harry: I meant he was pretty happy… What were you thinking? Do you have an internal conflict, Eric? Do you need a ‘time out’ from the group to think over your own ‘happiness’?
Eric: *Mutters darkly*
Lockhart: …and you know what else? My memory is real bad too…
Harry: *In a bored voice* How bad is it?
Lockhart: *Suddenly* What‘s so bad?!
Gilderoy: ‘Wow, Harry! You were right! My name does spell out ”thick odor allergy”!’
Harry: Is that gold thing a crown, or a teapot?
-Vicki and Emma
Lockhart: Why thank you, Harry! This looks very lovely!
Harry: Not a’tall, Professor Lockhart!
Lockhart: Hmm… what’s it say here.. *Reads* ‘If you’d like to take the idiot test, please flip this card over.‘ hmm… *flips* ‘If you’d like to take the idiot test, please flip this card over.‘ *flips* ‘If you’d like to take the idiot test, please flip this card over.‘ … *flips*
Harry: Yes, Professor?
Lockhart: Will you…
Harry: …What is it, Professor?
Lockhart: …Marry me?
Harry: I thought you’d never ask!
*Wedding theme plays*
Eric: Ha-ha-ha… take that! When you’re the Caption Man, you can make anything happen! Mwahahahahaha!