Week of September 28, 2003
Harry: Who are you? Wait-wait! I know!
Tom: Oh yeah? Well, what?
Harry: Knock, knock!
Tom: Who’s there?
Harry: You Know!
Tom: ‘You Know’ who? Oh, Merlin! How did you guess?
Harry: You wanna take this outside?!
Harry: Bring it on!
Tom: Yes! I love that movie too!
Harry: Oh, this has just been one heck of a great day! First, everyone still thinks I’m the heir of Slytherin, I had to find the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets to save a silly little girl, I fell into a pit of rotted skeletons, I nearly had all my memories erased, I had to dodge a ton of boulders that nearly fell on me, and now I have to fight a hundred-foot snake that can kill me by either direct eye-contact or its venomous bite! The only thing to top that off would be you telling me you’re Lord Voldemort!
Tom: Well, now that you mention it…
Tom: Harry… there’s a huge snake about to bite your head off!
Harry: Oh, no, I am not falling for that one!
Tom: …For the past few months, actually, my new target has been you… wait… what’s that noise?
*Ringing sound coming from Harry’s pocket*
Harry: Oh, sorry.. that’s my phone, it’s been ringing on and off. It’ll only be a minute…
Tom: Sure.. I’ll just wait here…
Harry: *Shouting into mobile phone* No, Hermione! How many times do I have to tell you? I can’t come over to the girls’ dormitory to have fun now, I’m about to defeat the heir of Slytherin! *Turns phone off and calmly walks back* Sorry about that…
Tom: Ah, it’s nothing. So… as I was saying…
Harry: ‘Aha! I have you now, Tom! Now where’s the plutonium?!’
Harry: What are you looking at?
Riddle: Who said I was looking at anything? I wasn’t looking at anything!
Harry: *Sarcastically* Yeah, sure you weren’t. Let me see… You were looking at my forehead and about to ask me how I ‘escaped with nothing but a scar while Voldemort’s powers were destroyed’.
Tom: *Muttering* Darn.. how did he know?
Harry: I know my lines.
Tom: Lord Voldemort is my past, present, and future…
*Tom writes ‘Tom Marvolo Riddle’ and waves his wand*
Harry: Oh my…
*Grinning, Tom turns but gasps. The letters now read ‘VOMITED ARMOR DOLL’*
Tom: How did you know about that? You mock me? Again, then…
*Tom waves his wand again, they now read ‘VIOLET RAMROD MOLD’. Soon ‘VOIDER MARMOT DOLL’ and ‘DEVOID ROT MOLL ARM’ are formed*
Tom: Why is this happening to me?!
*The letters end at ‘MARVEL IT, DOOM LORD’ and disappear*
Hermione: *Behind Invisibility Cloak, grinning widely* Tee-he-he…!
Harry: You’re Lord Voldemort?
Tom: Well duh, when you’re stuck inside a diary for fifty years you’ve gotta have something to do!
Harry: What was that?
Tom: Oh, that stupid snake! I told him if he ate that Malfoy kid he’d get gas; it’s no wonder, the way he runs his mouth non-stop!
Harry: But wasn’t the basilisk supposed to try and eat me?
Tom: Damn! I knew I should have read the book more closely! Ms. Rowling’s going to have a fit over this one…
Harry: *Gasps* You’re Lord Voldemort?
Tom: Yes, Harry.
Harry: *Confused* But, you look relatively normal. Last time I saw you, you looked like the south end of a north-bound camel…
Tom: *Mutters* Yes… well when you go to Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon you must expect mishaps…
Harry: I’ll never follow you! You killed my mother and father!
Tom: No, Harry, I am your moth- no, wait… I am your father!
‘Killing Mudbloods doesn’t matter to me anymore! For the past few scenes, my goal has been finding Waldo!’
Oh yeah? Well if you’re so great, how comes you don’t have such a cool scar?
Tom: In a few moments… Ginny Weasley will be dead.
Harry: Oh, please, no! *Falls to knees* She was my only chance for a date!
*Cell phone ringing*
Harry: Hello? I see… *holds phone away from ear* Tom?
Harry: It’s your mom…
Tom: Tell her I’m dead.
Harry: *Picks phone back up* He says he’s dead…
Harry: You know, Tom, I think that the only reason you’re into this whole ‘Take over the world‘ business is because of the unintelligible insecurities within yourself…
Tom: You’re right! It’s all true!
Harry: Why don’t you meet me here tomorrow – we can all sit down and have a self-exploration lesson…
Tom: *Sniff sniff* Okay….
Tom: Harry, you probably don’t know this – but from here it looks like a bunch of enormous cement serpents are licking your ear…
Tom: Harry, how on Earth did you manage to get your face that dirty when you slid down that tube on your back?!
Harry: ‘Do we have to play Follow The Leader all night?’
Harry: Umm, you have something on your nose…
Tom: Don’t try that one on me…
Harry: No, seriously, you have something on your nose…
Tom: *Goes cross-eyed to see what’s on his nose*
Harry: Now say ‘Cheese‘! *Takes a photo*
Harry: So Hagrid really didn’t open the Chamber? It was you?
Tom: I’m afraid so, Harry…
Harry: And you are Lord Voldemort?
Tom: Yes… any other questions you’d like to ask before I kill you?
Harry: Boxers or Briefs?
Harry: hiss shh ssss…
Tom: sssss hawshh…
Harry: We really should stop talking in Parseltongue now…
Tom: How come?
Harry: Because if we don’t, nobody will be able to read the caption…
Harry: You can’t have Ginny! She’s mine! She loves me!
Tom: Harry, what are you talking about?
Harry: Did I say that out loud? Uh-oh…
Harry: Why can’t we be friends and have fun, Tom?
Tom: Friends? Fun? What is ‘fun’?
Harry: Fun is… fun is… well let’s sing it:
F is for friends that do stuff together,
U is for you and me,
N is for anywhere and any time with my enemy!
Harry: Now you try!
Tom: *Looks at Harry and starts to sing*
F is for fire that burns down the whole castle,
U is for you and me,
N is for no survivors…?
Harry: No, no! Like this… Sing with me… *Gets behind Tom and shows him*
F is for frolic through all the flowers,
U is for ukulele,
N is for nose picking, sharing gum and sand-licking here with my best buddy!
Tom: *Turns and eyes Harry* When I die… You stay far away from my funeral…
Harry: Hey, Tom, I’m getting a bit hungry… I think I saw a McDonald’s back a little way along the tunnel, near the patch of mud and pile of rat skeletons… Want anything?
Tom: Sure! I’ll have the Double Cheeseburger Meal with a Coke…
Harry: Great! Be right back!
*Ten minutes later*
Tom: Hey.. wait a second…
Harry: Okay, what do you want to trade?
Tom: I don’t know, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea… I don’t think you keep your cards in very good condition… *starts to walk away*
Harry: Wait! I’ll give you my Pikachu for your Squirtle?
Tom: I don’t know…
Harry: Okay, how about my Pikachu and Charmander for your Squirtle?
Tom: Now you’re talking…
Tom: What was that, Harry?
Harry: We… we look so much alike…
Tom: Well of course we do, I’m your long lost brother!
Harry: *Gasps* But that can’t be!
Tom: Okay, no… maybe not… but it was still really cool to see the scared look on your face when I said it!
Harry: *Trying to buy time* Uh… Did you know that it’s physically impossible to lick your elbow?!
Tom: What?! Nothing is impossible for the evil Lord Voldemort! *Tries to lick elbow, cursing madly and twisting into a pretzel*
Harry: Haha! Told you so!
–Seventy-five percent of those who read this will attempt to lick their elbow–
Harry: You know, Tom, under the right light… you look a little like that Muggle guy, Jim Carrey…
Tom: Cool! Hey! Do you think I’d make a good Bruce Almighty?! *Starts dancing* I’ve got the power!
Tom: How about my Ace Ventura?! *Takes off robe revealing Hawaiian shirt and khakis* Do not – go in there! *Points to the basilisk cave*
Tom: Ooh! Or my Riddler! *Waves wand into question marks* Who’s afraid of a big, black, bat?!
Harry: Forget I mentioned it!
-Thanks to Angie for the preliminary lines!