Week of October 5, 2003
Mrs. Mason: Is that your foot on my leg, dear?
Mr. Mason: Pardon?
Uncle Vernon: Oh.. er.. it’s just the cat!
Mrs. Mason: *Looks down to see a boy with jet-black hair and round glasses rubbing against her shin*
Mr. Mason: Look dear, an impossibly large child just fell off that wall!
Harry: *Peaks over the wall with a maniacal grin* Humpty Dudley sat on a wall, Humpty Dudley had a great fall!
The Masons: All the king’s horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put –
Aunt Petunia: -*Screams* Duddykins! –
Harry and The Masons: -Together again!
Mr. Mason: You wrote about me? But you don’t know anything about me!
Dudley: Erm… I wrote that you’re… excellent!
Mr. Mason: A whole essay? A whole six-page essay?
Dudley: Erm… well I have big handwriting, you see…
Mrs. Mason: Oh my goodness…
Mr. Mason: Wow!
Mrs. Mason: How interesting!
Uncle Vernon: Oh, the elf? Er.. that’s j-just a boy in a suit!
Mr. Mason: No, outside!
Mrs. Mason: The ice-cream truck – it’s now blue!
Uncle Vernon: Y-yes, yes it is…
Mr. Mason: You don’t understand! Before it was pink!
Uncle Vernon: Would you like to buy a drill from me?!
Mr. Mason: When pigs fly!
Uncle Vernon: …Harry! Come down here now!
Harry: What… did I do this time?
Uncle Vernon: Make a pig fly with that wand of yours! It’s about time you did something useful!
Harry: Wingardium Leviosa! *Levitates Dudley and makes him fly around the room*
Mr. Mason: Okay, okay, I’ll buy one…
Uncle Vernon: *Showing the Masons a photo album of Dudley* …And this was taken when Dudley got his fifth chin, –
Mr. Mason: *Whispers out of corner of mouth to his wife* Let’s just buy the drills and get the heck out of here before he shows us more photographs!
Mrs. Mason: *Whispers back* With pleasure…
Uncle Vernon: And this is Dudley chucking his Playstation out the window…
Mr. Mason: That was a racist joke!
Mrs. Mason: What do you have against Japanese golfers?!
J.K. Rowling: Yes, what is it?
Mr. Mason: I demand we get more lines! Or at least different roles! And we should be in more than one film!
J.K. Rowling: …I think I can fit you in as… Yes, um, Mr. and Mrs. Mason? How would you feel about being levitated 20 feet in the air by a bunch of Death Eaters?!
Mr. Masons: By a bunch of what?
Uncle Vernon: Why, Mr. and Mrs. Mason? Why the long faces?
Mrs. Mason: Don’t look at us… somebody bought the full-screen edition of the movie.
Mr. Mason: We told them to buy the wide-screen version, but do they listen? *Shakes head sadly*
‘Oh no! Voldemort’s using his power to stretch us!’
Telling your parents off – A month’s grounding
Telling your parents you’ve quit school – A month’s lecturing
Telling your parents you’ve married the one they loathe – A month’s ostracizing
The expression on your parents face when you dance around naked wearing Dobby’s tea cozy at a dinner party – Priceless
Mr. Mason: ‘Dursley, dressing like Waldo will not make the audience think they’ve found Waldo!’
Harry: *Singing* Come on, babe, why don’t we paint the town? And all that jazz!
Hermione: I’m gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down!
Both: And all that jazz!
Ron: Start the car, I got a woopy spot, where the gin is cold but the piano’s hot!
Malfoy: It’s just a noisy hall where there’s a nightly brawl!
All: And all – that – jazz!
Mrs. Mason: *Thinking* Hmm, a floating cake.. should I use common sense and move out of the way, or should I sit here stupidly and wait for it to fall on my head?
*Cake falls on her head*
Mrs. Mason: *Thinking* Too late…
*Harry, Quirrell, and Voldemort are standing near the Mirror of Erised*
Voldemort: Tell me, Harry, would you like to see your mother and father again?
Harry: *Looks into mirror* Uh, they’re not my parents…
Voldemort: What?! *Looks into mirror* Quirrell, you fool! Who are these people?
Quirrell: Hey! They’re my parents… they don’t look too pleased… Mother! I’m sorry, I had to join the dark side! Father, don’t give me that look… *Crying* I’m just trying to make you proud of me!
Voldemort: I had to choose a wimp, didn’t I…
*After a few too many cocktails*
Mr. Mason: Well, Mr. Dursley, I’m not sure that your company really needs my investment in your drills. After all, it doesn’t exactly look like you’re starving!
Mrs. Mason: Indeed! Your son’s not exactly built like an Ethiopian is he?
Mr. Mason: Haha! Go on, dear! That kid’s got more chins than a Chinese phone book! Haha!
Mrs. Mason: When he sits around the house, he really sits around the house! Hah*Hiccup*aha!
Mr. Mason: Oh, wait! Wait! I’ve got another one…
Woman: *Gasps* What do you mean, JK?! What do you mean you’re considering killing Harry off in Book Seven?
Man: Think of the millions in currency lost!
Woman: *Eyes watering* Imagine the fan girls who are suddenly obsessionless…
Harry: *Standing in front of the Masons with his wand out* Accio, Avis, Crucio, Delitrius, Densuageo, Diffindo, Expelliarmus, Impedimenta!
Mr. Mason: What’s he doing?
Mrs. Mason: Well, duh! He’s speaking Latin!
Uncle Vernon: *After an hour* …and that‘s why I hate witches and wizards!
Mr. Mason: Too bad… All of our employees are witches and wizards…
Uncle Vernon: Say… did I mention how much I just love witches and wizards…?
Mrs. Mason: How comes we don’t have any lines, honey?
Mr. Mason: My wife is afraid of birds! All shapes and sizes!
Mrs. Mason: …What?
Mr. Mason: Well at least I have one line!
Unseen Voice: ‘That’s it, now… look at the spinning circle, and repeat after me: I will pick Christine’s caption this week… I will pick Christine’s caption this week…’
-Christine (no more of these! =D)
Mr. Mason: Did you ever have the feeling that there was a twelve-year-old boy right behind you?
Mrs. Mason: Or that a cake was about to fall on your head?
The Muggles have just found out that Eric doesn’t put up Farah’s captions because they are better than his.
-Farah (And no more of these, either, people! =D)
Mrs. Mason: *Thinking* Do you think they’ll notice I’m chewing gum? What if they ask me to spit it out? Oh no! It’ll be Elementary School all over again!
‘Ah, there’s nothing like a good thirty seconds of film time to make you feel important!’
Harry and Hermione in the fifty-second Harry Potter movie: Harry Potter and his Retirement of Secrets
*Movie on TV*
Girl: Of course! ‘Nicolas Flamel is the only known maker of the Philosopher’s Stone’!
Boys: The what?
Girl: Honestly… don’t you two read? ‘The Philosopher’s Stone is a legendary substance with astonishing powers. It’ll transform any metal into pure gold, and produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal.’
Boy 1: Immortal?
Girl: It means you’ll never die…
Boy 1: I know what it means!
Boy 2: Shh…
Boy 1: ‘The only stone currently in existence belongs to a Mr. Nicolas Flamel who, last year, celebrated his six-hundred and sixty-fifth birthday.’
*Back on couch at home*
Man: Hey! Six hundred and sixty-SIXTH! I’m six hundred and sixty-seven now!
Woman: Oh well, it’s just a children’s movie… who’ll know?
Man: I knew I shouldn’t’ve let that Muggle woman interview me! She’s got it all wrong!
Woman: Oh no.. what’re you going to do? Not the old ‘Levitate Helpless Muggles at the World Cup’… No!
Man: Yes… that’ll have to do!
Uncle Vernon: Would you care to hear a very humorous joke, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?
The Masons: Sure…
Uncle Vernon: Alright. An Eskimo, a Japanese man, and an American are all golfing…
Mr. Mason: Yes?
Uncle Vernon: Before they tee off, they make a bet. Whoever can swing the farthest, will be treated to dinner.
Mrs. Mason: Alright?
Uncle Vernon: So they each take turns at the first 8 holes, and are surprisingly all tied.
Aunt Petunia: This is the good part *giggles*…
Uncle Vernon: ..So when they arrive at the ninth hole, the American inquires where the Japanese man’s ball is – it’s not to be seen in the grass anywhere.
Mr. Mason: Yes?
Uncle Vernon: So the Japanese golfer smiles, leans forward, and says ‘It wanted to go home’!
Aunt Petunia: *Cracks up laughing*
Dudley: *Laughing hysterically*
The Masons: … …?