Week of October 19, 2003
*Scooby Doo walks into the hall, followed by Shaggy*
Scooby: Rrykes! Raggy, rook, it’s Rroffessor Snape!
Shaggy: Like zoinks! We’re in on the wrong movie!
Lockhart: Please give a warm welcome to my assistant, Dobby! I will now duel him.
Lockhart: *Flies over everyone’s heads*
Dobby: Dobby the champion!
Chris Columbus: *Standing on platform* Alright kids, that’s it! This personal vendetta against my daughter must stop! I know you all hate Eleanor for getting the most on-screen time, but setting her hat on fire is going too far!
Eleanor: *Looks up at hat* Aahhh!
Harry: Justin, stop it!
Justin: But I thought you liked it! When I get petrified later in the film you can’t stop tickling my arm!
Harry: I know, but that doesn’t mean I fancy you! Take your hand away, before the audience gets any ideas!
Justin: Is this the fashion show the teachers are putting on for Children’s Day?
*Snape steps up in denim jeans and a black leather jacket*
Harry: Ha ha ha! Snape in denim jeans and a leather jacket!
*Suddenly a woman in a black leotard steps up*
Whole School: McGonagall?!
Harry: *Nudges Justin* Psst… Want to see something funny? *Raises hand* Sir, what is an idiot?
Lockhart: Hah, an easy question. An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand. Do you understand me?
All students: No!
Harry: Hermione, what are we doing here?
Hermione: We’re about to find out who won the Caption Contest this week!
Harry: But, didn’t you say *changes voice to mimic Hermione’s* ‘I never want to participate in a contest that is meant for the mocking of our characters and the story as it’s told! It’s SO disrespectful to J.K. and what she’s created, if we want to keep our names from turning into mud, WE need to separate ourselves from those sorts of contests, Harry‘… What happened to all of that?
Hermione: Well… I uh…
Hannah: Hey, Hermione, isn’t that Lockhart hosting the Caption Winners this week?
Harry: I never thought I’d see Professor Trelawney doing that!
Justin: Well, she is a bit loony, isn’t she?
Luna: Even I’m not that loony…
Hermione: What I’m wondering is… since when does Hogwarts have a dancing pole in the middle of the Great Hall?
Harry: Bet you never read that in ‘Hogwarts: A History’!
–Random Thoughts of Hogwarts Students-
Susan: Justin is so pretty! Pretty, pretty Justin!
Justin: Oh man, I gotta pee really badly! One more second and I’ll turn blue!
Harry: Hmm, Hermione sure needs to wear her hair a little lower; I can barely see how ridiculous Lockhart looks in his tight trousers. Oh, and she could use just one more curl there by her right ear… yeah, that ought to do it. Hey, and her hair smells pretty good, is that Herbal Essences?
Hermione: Oh my gosh! I think that Lockhart just looked my way! Oh, and I hope I remembered to wash my hair this morning, I think Harry’s smelling it…
Wood: This picture frame smells good…
‘Oh gosh! Now we have to sit here and listen to a lecture on how you shouldn’t do a spell that catches things on fire – just because Neville had to go and do just that!‘
Harry: Umm… Ron? I was only joking when I dared you to do the Macarena on the table…
Lockhart: I brightened my teeth EXTRA SPECIAL for this lesson! *Smiles bright and light emits from his teeth*
Students: *Covering eyes* Aaaaaaahhh! It burns!
Susan: I missed Spongebob Squarepants for this?!
Hermione: Look! A new Educational Decree!
Harry: What does it say?!
Hermione: *Reads sign* All dangerous creatures in the castle are to be removed immediately. This includes Voldemort, the basilisk, Peeves, and Professor Lockhart…
Ron: That stupid Muggle Eric!
Ron: He cut me out of the caption pic again!
Harry: …Your point?
Ron: He has to keep me in or Pepsi will lose advertising rights in the next movie!
Harry: How come?
Ron: Cause I’m not really Ron!
Harry: …What? Who are you then?
Ron: A Pepsi Twist!
Harry: Look! There! I found him! Finally!
Hermione: Who; the Heir of Slytherin?!
Harry: No! I found Nemo!
Harry: How come, a year later, we’re still in the same Dueling Club scene!
Justin: Who cares, at least we look better than Lockhart!
(Note: This week’s picture is tribute to the first week of cc, last 10/20!)
Although the ‘eccentricities’ of Professor Gilderoy Lockhart were,
by this time, well known by the students, it was nonetheless still
disconcerting when he entered the dueling club session wearing
bunny ears and a leotard with ‘Teacher Appreciation Day’
emblazoned on the front…
Justin: Do you have any idea why Lockhart is, well…
Harry: Cheerleading on the dueling stage?
Justin: Yeah, um, that…
Lockhart: *Shouts while doing a little twirl* It’s okay! I had Subway today!
‘Look! Look at WB’s stock go up! Up! Up! Too bad, the girl on the right sold hers just last week!’
Hermione: *Buzz* What is ‘Polymer Science’, Alex?
Alex Trebek: Very good, Miss Granger! Please pick your next category!
Hermione: I’ll take Arithmancy for 300 please…
Harry: *Under his breath* I’ll take this buzzer and beat her on the side of the head with it! She never gives us the chance to answer!
Harry: Are you sure it’s a good idea to line up for the sixth book already?
Harry: *Whispers* Err… Ron, your underwear is showing!
Susan: I see London, I see France, I see Ronald’s underpants!
Ron: That is sooo Second Grade…
Crowd: *Thinking* Is that what I think it is?
Harry: *Thinking* Oh no! How many times do I have to tell Hedwig not to bring me Playboy subscriptions in public!
*The Gambling Underground of Hogwarts*
Hermione: How many beans do you think he can fit in his mouth at once?
Harry: I’m betting 5 Galleons on 56 beans…
Justin: I have 11 Sickles says he chokes on number 36, and an additional 2 Galleons that it’s peppermint flavored!
Hannah: I’m betting 500 Knuts that he’ll eat at least 9 Yogurt-flavored ones!
Lockhart: Thank you all for coming to see my new play ‘Hoovering with House-Elves’!
Harry: Is that Dobby’s tea cozy he’s wearing?!
Lockhart: Alas, I am wearing a real tea cozy, donated by my fabulous friend Dobby!
Harry: Wait… if it is…
Hermione: Then what’s Dobby wearing…?
*The play starts, and lasts for an hour*
Lockhart: And finally, Act Seven, Scene Seven!
*Dobby jumps down from the sky as Lockhart dances*
Dobby: We’re Freeeeeeeeeee!
Dumbledore: Good evening, students and alumni. As most of you know it, last week’s Choosing of the Champions didn’t quite go as planned. A certain someone…
*The Students look right, at the other end of the stage is Snape, hands tied behind his back*
Dumbledore: …had to enter funny names into the Goblet of Fire, therefore rigging it magically to choose them and make me seem like a fool in front of all three schools.
Snape: And I’d do it again! *Cackles insanely, a mad grin on his face*
Dumbledore: …It is the staff and I’s ultimate decision that he shall be punished for his actions by being cast to stone…
Snape: But it sure was funny wasn’t it? Hahahaha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-aahahahaha!
Dumbledore: Any last words you would like to share with us, Severus?
Snape: My only regrets are that I couldn’t add more! :Starts to dance manically: Harry Beehynd! B.G. Schnoz! Ginger Vitis! Yet there are so many more I haven’t done! You, students, you must follow in my footsteps! *Snape’s legs start freezing up* For ne’er shall the Goblet of Fire read a name without having been introduced to ‘Joseph Mama’ *torso turns to stone* or ‘Shirley Dumm’! *hands freeze* MWA-Ha-Haaaaaaaa*Completely frozen*
Dumbledore: …Any questions?