Week of October 26, 2003
Imposter JKR: No, but really, I am J.K. Rowling!
Man: Sure, sure, and I’m Harry Potter…
Imposter JKR: Look over there! *Starts to run away*
Man: Look! A fifty pound note!
Imposter JKR: Where?!
Man: Ha! Gotcha! To JK, 50 pounds is chump change!
Woman: Yes I’m J.K. Rowling! I wrote this book, see! *She points to Prisoner of Azkaban* Now let me on the set immediately!
Bloke Who Works At Kings Cross But Is Really Chris’s Driver:
Oh yeah? Well if you’re JKR, then who’s that you knocked unconscious at your feet then?
Woman: I lost my dog here yesterday. How can I search for her?
Conductor: Have you tried putting an announcement on the message board?
Woman: Don’t be silly… my dog can’t read!
Woman: Are there really people from all over the world thinking of witty things we could be saying right now?
Man: Ha! And you thought we were just extras! I knew my big break would come some day!
Eric is sitting on the ground having a temper tantrum
Eric: Mum, I want to go to Hogwarts!
Woman: I’m sorry, Eric! Muggles can’t go!
Eric: I’m not a Muggle! Watch this! *Runs toward barrier between 9 and 10, hits the wall and falls backwards*
Woman: Not again!
Woman: What the -?
Man: Don’t mind them.. now what was your number again?!
Narrator: *Darkly* And so the vicious cycle continued with each viewing of the DVD. Every time the portley attendant was just moments away from getting the gorgeous blonde’s phone number, and every time those damned kids would show up and she would disappear forever…
*Bugs Bunny pops out of a tiny hole and looks around*
Bugs: Gee, ‘guess I shouldn’ta taken that left at Albuquerque…
Harry: Sir, can you tell me how to find Platform 9¾?
Conductor: 9¾? Think you’re being funny do you? *Whispers* Can’t you see I’m trying to score this pretty lady’s digits?
Woman: Are you sure this is the sixth book? It seems fairly small…
Conductor: Yeah, yeah, now hand over the loot!
Woman: Of course… *Gives him the money*
Conductor: *In a loud villain-like voice, but to himself* Mwahahaha! Now I will become filthy rich by selling fake copies of ‘The Sixth Book’ to really stupid people!
Woman: …Do you really think nobody can hear you?
*Snape walks by in Dobby’s tea cozy*
Man: …but there is good news…
Man: I just saved money on my car insurance…
Railroad Official: ‘Bloody hell, more owl poop to clean up…’
Draco: Mum, do you have another quarter?
Narcissa: Draco, darling, get off the horsey and onto the train…
Draco: Awww, just five more minutes? Please?
From The Daily Prophet:
Fleur Delacour was seen yesterday paying off J.K. Rowling’s dentist’s girlfriend’s cousin twice removed by marriage’s brother to prevent herself from getting killed off in Book Six.
Train Bloke: Are you alright, Dan?
Dan: Yeah… just dropped my scar.
Woman: I tell you, it had to be some sort of gang! All red-haired with knobbly jumpers that spelled ‘PFRG’ or some such! Nicked my luggage and got away so fast – it was as though they had disappeared right into that wall!
Woman: Sir, does that come with my ticket?
Conductor: No ma’am, the boy with the lightning-bolt scar just likes to dance in his underwear…
Conductor: …Now the 4th platform is just down that way, if you will…
Woman: Wait a minute! What’s with all those people with owls and large trunks?
Woman: They appear to be running through a brick wall…
Woman: You’d think they were… magical or something…
Woman: Do you have any idea, sir?
Conductor: Look! It’s Bill Gates!
Conductor: *Dashes out of sight*
Woman: *Looks back* Hello? …Sir? But I wanna know about the strange people!
Woman: Is that… Book Six?!
Man: Nah… just another one of those Chinese knockoffs…
Conductor: ‘Oh, yeah… those weirdos in the robes… they come here every year… so anyway, you were saying?’
Both: What the -?
*Neville’s boggart is running around King’s Cross*
Harry: *Quietly to Ron* Hey, watch this… *Raises voice* Excuse me, sir? Can you tell me where Platform 9¾ is?
Conductor: *Covers his ears* I don’t know! *Starts to cry* I just don’t know!
Woman: Look, more of them…
Man: If we talk quietly, maybe they won’t notice we’re Muggles…
Mr. Weasley: Hey – Real Muggles!
Harry: Excuse me, sir, could you tell me where to find Platform 3.75986?
Harry: three point seven five nine eight six… where is it?
Conductor: Sorry, there is no platform by that name.
Harry: But – that’s what it says on… Stupid Wizard tickets!
Dobby: *Pacing around the platform* Some place to hide… some place to hide… *Goes invisible*
Woman: Did you just see…
Dobby: Darn… Tea Cozy still showing… *slips it off and walks away*
Man: I did…
Harry: Let’s go. *Starts heading for the barrier*
Ron: *Follows him, picking up speed*
Ron and Harry: Errmmphh…
Conductor: What are you doing, boys? Didn’t you hear -?
Harry: Hear.. what?
Conductor: We’re filming your hit movie ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’! This isn’t even a real train station!
Ron: What?! I mean… I knew that!
Harry: But – but that can’t be possible, can it?
Ron: It is, Harry! Look! There’s a man inside that train with industrial headphones and studiowear on staring straight at us!
Harry: Oh… hmm…