Week of November 2, 2003
Narrator: ‘…And so comes one of the hardest pictures to caption! How will MuggleNetters get through this one? Find out next week when the results come in!
Woman: Oh my! It looks like someone’s broken into that pet shop down Knockturn Alley!
Girl: Why would they do that? It’s only the really dangerous stuff they sell down there…
Hagrid: *Starts whistling innocently and scuttles quickly down street*
Gilderoy Lockhart’s Autobiography, Magical Me: 15 Sickles
One Standard Size 2 Pewter Cauldron: 1 Galleon, 3 Sickles
A Wand Made Of Holly with a Phoenix Tail Feather Core: 7 Galleons
Finding Out From A Giant On Your 11th Birthday That You Are A Wizard And That Your Parents Were Killed By An Evil Dark Lord Names Vold – Uh – You-Know-Who, And That He Gave You The Really Cool Scar On Your Head And Is Still Out To Kill You And Come Back To Power, Then Getting Away From Nasty Muggle Relatives And Attending Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry For The Majority Of The Year, And Then Finding Out Five Years Later That The Fate Of The Wizarding World Lies On Your Shoulders After Your Godfather Disappears: Priceless.
Little Girl: Look! In the window shelf! It’s Harry Potter’s Book Six!
Shop Owner: Since I started selling these illegally translated Chinese knockoffs, I’ve been making a killing!
*Suddenly, four men in gray suits appear*
Man in grey suit: We’re here to confiscate these books as they infringe on the Harry Potter copyright!
Shop Owner: Darn these WB Muggle representatives!
Witch: Look, Tilly!
Tilly: Mummy, is that Harry Potter?
Witch: Yes, Tilly!
Tilly: Bloody Hell! He’s hott!
Witch: Tilly! No! I told you not to think thoughts like that! Do you WANT to be in Hufflepuff?!
Hagrid: And this is Flourish and Blo –
Harry: *Sighs* Excuse me, Hagrid, I have to take this.
Hagrid: Oh, right then, I’ll be in the pub…
*Hagrid starts walking but stops when he hears Harry talk*
Harry: No, Hermione! I can’t have fun with you now! I’ve told you! First the Chamber of Secrets, now this! I’m buying things in Diagon Alley! I’m about to go into a bookshop! Do you really want me to miss out on books so I can have fun with you? You do? Books turn you on?!
Blonde Girl: Do you have the feeling we’re being followed?
Girl with Bag: Yes! I felt as if something just touched my back!
Both: *Turn around and scream* Bellatrix Lestrange!
*The whole street starts screaming and shouting*
Witch: *Pulls off fake hair and hat* Hey! It’s me, J.K. Rowling! Calm down, everyone! I just have a mirror role, and it’s not Bellatrix!
*People scream louder and rush for autographs, trampling JK*
JKR: *Thinking* Okay, I should have stuck with the Bellatrix act…
Older Witch: Look, dahling! It’s Gilderoy Lockhart. He just tickles me pink!
Blonde: Oh, Mummy, can we go see him? Please!
Older Witch: Why, of course; I’ve been meaning to bump into him! *Weird giggle*
Brunette: But we still need to buy our Potions supplies!
Girl 1: I heard that if you go into that shop over there, they’ll be selling bootleg copies of the third movie before they’re even done shooting it!
Girl 2: Wow! Do you think they’ll have any copies of the fifth book? I bought one off the conductor at the train station, but it was in Chinese…
Woman: *Giggles* Okay, kids, which one of you wants to pull my finger?
Girl: ‘I just can’t believe I got cast as a stupid extra instead of Hermione! I would be so perfect for the role, too! Look everyone! I’m Hermione when she’s petrified! See?! See?!
Little Girl: Excuse me, Sir, could you please tell me where Flourish and Blotts is?
Snape: No! Go away!
*The Little Girl sadly walks away and tries to find the shop on her own*
Snape: Potter! 50 points from Gryffindor because of the annoying child!
Harry: …Hagrid? Who was that and what is Gryffindor?
Lockhart: *In Hagrid Costume* Now that I’ve been proven a fraud, I’ve resorted to wearing this to get attention! It’s not even working! Those witches are more concerned with that poster of Sirius Black! It’s like he escaped from Azkaban or something!
Older Woman: And that’s where they sell Harry Potter pictures. Yes, dear, the nude ones…
Dark-Haired Girl: Yeah, mum! Look closely, it’s on my list! It is! I swear!
Girl with Hat: Look over there, it’s John Lennon!
Blonde Girl: …and if you believe that one, Harry Potter is right behind us!
John Lennon: Really?!
Girl: *Looking at her list* Ha! I know I can buy this one cheaper on eBay!
‘…And over there is where MuggleNet stores all it’s caption entries…’
Girl: Okay, deep breaths… All the scary people talking about imaginary things aren’t going to hurt me. This is all a dream. There’s no such thing as magic…
Girl: Trick or Treating seems to start earlier and earlier every year…
Other Girl: *Pointing* Watch out for that house, they’re giving out toothbrushes and dental floss!
Goblin: ‘If anyone cares to notice, Gringotts is on FIRE!‘
Harry: Hagrid, are you really that big?
Harry: Then why… –
Hagrid: Haven’t you heard? The camera adds ten feet!
Mother: *Giving lessons in life to her daughters* …and that one is wanted for broom snatching… This one for giving CoS a bad movie review… Well, they’ll all go to Azkaban for their misdeeds. This one is really evil! He’s as bad as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Wanted for illegal breeding practices! Most horrible…
Little Girl: What did he do, Mum?
Mother: He fathered Dolores Umbridge!
Woman: Look, that’s Harry Potter!
Girl: Can I buy him, please, Mummy, please?
Woman: Son, why are those boys wearing T-shirts with your face on them and knives through your head?!
Boy: I dunno… *Thinks* I knew I shouldn’t havekissed Ginny Weasley at her spin the bottle party…
Fred and George: There he is! Get ’em!
Pointing Witch: There! Just there! See him now?
Blonde Girl: Hang on, that man’s stupid pointy hat is in the way…
Pointing Witch: There! Now!
Blonde Girl: Oh my God! It really is Waldo!
Other Kid: *Reading letter, thinking* Harry potter’s losing his audience… he just walked right past us with a giant and he’s still playing second fiddle to Waldo!
Mother: Look dear, it’s Harry Potter!
Girl: Oh, Mommy, let’s stare and gawk at him! Maybe he’ll do a trick!
*They stare and gawk at Harry*
Harry: I’m not even in the picture and still I get stared at!
Girl: Oooh! Look, Mum! Harry Potter is now half price! Can I get him please?
Mum: Okay, dear. Just remember, he stays in my room!
Witch with Hat: Seventeen Sickles an ounce for Dragon Liver! They’re mad!
Blondie: You twit! Seventeen Sickles are a Galleon, duh!
Witch with Hat: Don’t blame me, it’s Ms. Rowling’s fault!
Blonde: Oh, look! It’s Harry Potter!
Girl with Hat: Oh, look! It’s Magical Pier 1 Imports!
Blonde: Oh, then forget Harry!
— A Teenage Wizard Girl’s Summer —
Woman: Look, Honey! It’s the boy you’ve had a crush on since first year!
Girl: Shut up, Mom! He’s looking at me!
Woman: What’s his name? Draco Watchimacallit?
Boy: ‘Dearest Malfoy,’ *Giggle* ‘I am a Gryffindor and you are a Slytherin; a forbidden love… -‘
Girl: Oy! Gimmie that!
Blonde: ‘Scuse me, ma’am, where’s the nearest locksmith?
Lady: What’s the problem, dear?
Blonde: I’ve locked myself out of the house, but it’s starting to rain and I’ve left the windows all the way open!
Woman: Hey, girls, is that Waldo over there?
Blonde: Waldo? Waldo? Where?!
Brunette: Oh please.. that isn’t Waldo! That’s just Lockhart dressed as a candy cane!
Girl 1: There it is… the Leaky Cauldron.
Girl 2: Yeah… *sigh* too bad we’re too young to drink some Firewhiskey…
Girl 3: There has to be some way to get in!
Harry: *Hiccups* Man, Ron, we should do that more often…
Ron: *On Harry’s shoulders* Yeah, this fake beard and Hagrid’s coat really had them sold!
*They stagger down the alley together*