Week of November 30, 2003
Ron: Oh go on, Harry; drink the potion!
Harry: Well, here goes nothing… *He drinks the potion, gags, and turns to face the mirror squinting* I know what you’re thinking… ‘Did he take six sips or only five?‘
Ron: So that’s what you bought on eBay last night-the Essence of Dirty Harry!
Hermione: *From the stall* I’m not going!
Ron: Hermione, what’s wrong?
Hermione: M-Millicent B-Bullstrode must have a cat.
Myrtle: *Giggling* Wait until everyone hears you’ve got a tail!
Ron: *Quickly puts down his potion* Stop squinting at me, Harry! I’m not drinking my potion! What if Crabbe has a pet spider?
Harry: Well… *Squints harder* you’ve just gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky’… well… do ya, punk?!
Harry: Myrtle, what‘s this all about?
Myrtle: It’s my new petition…
Myrtle: Yes – I’ve got 9,438,042 signatures already – all the girls think that you look much better with contact lenses, Harry!
*Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle after taking the Polyjuice Potion*
Myrtle (Crabbe): Why did I have to be the dead mudblood?
Harry (Malfoy): Shut up… *In a mock voice* Ooh, look at me, I’m Saint Potter! I’ve defeated the greatest wizard of all time and I’ve got a big fat scar on my forehead!
Ron (Goyle): *In a mock voice* Oh, Hermione, I love you so much… Oooh…
Hermione: *Walks in* I love you too, Ron, but it’s meant to be secret!
Harry (Malfoy): *Grins and mutters* Wait till everyone hears about this…
Harry (Malfoy): Nothing… nothing…!
Harry: Don’t worry, Ron. I think you and Hermione will definitely end up together by the last book…
Ron: But that J.K. Rowling has something against me! I bet I’m going to die…
Harry: Think positive thoughts, Ron! Just go up to Hermione and say…
*Hermione walks in un-noticed*
Harry: *Continuing* ‘Hermione, I can’t hide it any longer… I love you…’
Hermione: Harry? I didn’t know you felt that way about me! I’m very flattered and all, but personally I think we should stay as friends…
Harry: Wait… No I was… Ron… Hang on a minute, only friends?!
Ron: What’s that?
Harry: It’s more writing on the wall!
Both: *Read in unison* ‘Illiterate? Write to Moaning Myrtle for ~Free~ information! The Out-Of-Order Stall in the (usually) Un-Used Girl’s Bathroom!’ …
Myrtle: *Pops out of nowhere* Well, come on! You‘d get pretty bored if you were dead, sitting in a toilet stall doing nothing, floating around aimlessly!
Harry: You’re right, Ron. Messing with Snape while he’s in the bubble bath really isn’t a good idea…
Ron: Yeah, well I’m just glad to have supplemental insurance for when I get hurt and have to miss classes…
Harry: Supplemental Insurance? What’s that?
Ron: That new insurance company that provides suitable health care for the whole family.
Harry: You mean the one that –
Chris: Cut Cut Cut! What’s this? It isn’t in the script!
Chris: How many times do I have to tell you? You can’t accept bribes to advertise products in the Harry Potter movies!
Ron: Then… why do we all have to wear these Coca Cola T-shirts?
Chris: Er… ‘Aflac’, is it?
Harry: So here’s the plan: We go down to the Chamber of Secrets dressed as Slytherin, convince the Heir that we’re really on his side, kill him, save Ginny, and win two hundred points for Gryffindor.
Snape: Three hundred points from Gryffindor!
Ron: *Trudges away* Oh, what is the point anymore?!
Harry: Hermione, I didn’t know you could surf the web in the girls’ bathroom…
Hermione: I can; it’s magic powered! Now, let’s see if I made the Caption Contest… Oh no! *Starts crying*
Ron: What’s wrong, Hermione?
Hermione: I didn’t make it! I’m going to send in a bunch of captions complaining about my other captions not being picked!
Harry: No! Don’t do that! 99.99999% of the time, it’s not going to win!
Ron: Yeah! Eric wants you to stop this ludicrous!
*PowerPoint Presentation Stops*
Eric: So, everyone, have you realised the error of your ways?
Caption Contest Enterers: *Nod*
Hermione: Just look at my face…
Ron: Look at your chest!
Hermione: *Elbows Ron* That’s not until the third movie!
Snape: Malfoy! Do not check out the Mudbloods!
Draco: Sorry, Sir!
Snape: You’ll pay! 80 points from Gryffindor!
H&R: What the…
Harry: Have you ever noticed how Eric complains about people complaining that their captions of complaints didn’t win?
Ron: Yeah… hey, maybe he should put a curse on it! Like, if you do it, you’ll turn into a Slytherin!
*Both look down*
Ron: Harry? You didn’t complain about your complaining caption not winning, did you?
Harry: *Thinking* Darn. That Eric’s a quick little one…
There are few who know that The Hogwarts Club of Silly Expressions first had its meetings in the girls’ toilets…
Harry: What is that?
Ron: It’s a… it’s a… it’s a… a… a…
Myrtle: A GHOST!
Casper: *Sighs deeply* Even here they all run from me… and I’m the nice one!
Myrtle: You two look just like something out of ‘Night of the Living Dead’!
Ron: Then… what does that make you?
Harry: Just a little closer… a little bit more…
Ron: A wee bit more… and the cookie jar is ours!
Myrtle: *Springs from behind the wall* Boo! Caught ya!
*All lights open, Hermione and Cho appear with disgusted looks*
Harry: Stupid Myrtle, you made me look bad!
Ron: Yeah! Ooga Booga Wooga!
Ron: What the –
Voldemort: …Got any 9’s?
Lucius: Go Fish, my Lord… do you have any 4’s?
Voldemort: Damn! You got me, you #$@#*!
Narcissa: You really must work on your language skills…
Ron: They’re complete idiots!
Narrator: Something wicked this way comes… this June, something will be unleashed for good…
Myrtle: It’s dreadful, really, awful… Wild shrieks, long, wavering moans…
Harry: Hermione must’ve turned into a cat again…
*Harry flings open the door*
Ron: What the –
Narrator: …teenage hormones. Presenting Alfonso Cuaron’s sexed-up sequel to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Rated R for strong sexual content, drug use, disturbing images, and vulgar language.
Hermione: Guys, does this outfit make me look fat?
Harry: No… it…
Ron: Nah, it makes you look…
Ron: Hey, watch out for the –
Death Eater: Petrificus Totallus!
Harry: Heep, Eem Steef, ceeen’t teeelk!
Ron: Hmm, that is a problem… want a Snickers?
Spokesman: Not going anywhere for a while? Grab a Snickers.
Harry: Aww, come on now, Hermione… You don’t look that bad!
Ron: Yeah, it could have been worse, you know. You could’ve switched dragon scale in there instead!
Harry: Say, Ron, that’s not fire she’s breathing… is it?
Ron: Oh dear…
Ron: ‘You know, Harry, I think the gangster pose really works for you…’
Harry: I see dead people!
Ron: *Rolls eyes* Harry, that’s Moaning Myrtle… Everyone can see her!
Harry: …and this is the ‘How you doin’?’ pose. Let me tell you – it works a treat on the girlies!
Ron: That’s nothing… this is my winning smile, dad says it’s handsome…
Harry: Yeah – and he collects plugs!
Myrtle: Look what I found!
Ron: No… it can’t be… Muggles?
Harry: Ron, if I’m not mistaken, those are the Dursleys! Hermione, give me my glasses!
*Hermione waltzes over (looking like a cat) with Harry’s glasses in her mouth*
Harry: Thanks, Hermione. Here’s a kitty treat for being good!
Harry: Do you ever get the feeling that… someone’s watching you?
Ron: Yeah, like a cold, scary, disgusting figure, right?
Myrtle: Well, if you want to put it that way, why don’t you add ‘smelly’, ‘whiny’, ‘ugly’, and maybe ‘MOANING’?!
Harry: Did you hear something, Ron?
Host: There’s a little matter I forgot to mention… Beware of Hitchhiking Ghosts. They have selected you to fill their quota. Now I will raise the safety bar, and a ghost will follow you home! *Evil laughter*
Ron: Harry, you… you’ve lost your glasses!
Harry: No, it’s okay… I had Subway for lunch!
Harry: Why are the lights off?
Ron: The house elves are in charge of it… Dumbledore’s gonna kill them this time…
House-Elves: It’s okay! We had Subway!
Harry: Uh – Ron?
Ron: I told you your computer was cool!
Kelly LeBrock: *Steps into the room* So… what would you little maniacs like to do first?
*Weird Science Theme plays*
Harry: ‘All right, Ron! No more pretending to be Slytherin just to get a glimpse inside Dark Lords’R’Us!’
Hermione: Guys, do you remember me telling you that the Polyjuice Potion was only for human transformations?
Harry and Ron: …Yes?
Hermione: Well… *Steps out*
Togepi: It was a pokemon hair I plucked off of Millicent Bullstrode’s robes! She’d just come from the other Dueling Club!
Harry: Veerry Stealthily now…
Ron: I am being stealthy!
Harry: Shh! She’ll hear us! Are you ready, Myrtle?
Myrtle: Yeah, I think so…
*They turn the corner*
JKR: *Reading* ‘And Peeves, who Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his belled hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to tumultuous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into the glorious sunset’…
Jessica Rowling: But where’d they go, Mum?
David Rowling: Yaaa…hehe…
JKR: Well, children, they’re off to Diagon Alley to start their joke shop!
Harry: On the count of three…
Ron: One… two… Three!
*They all run in, grab JK, and smuggle her away using Myrtle as a giant plastic bag*
Jessica: Hey! Where’d you come from?
Harry: Oh – uh – I’m – Santa! Yes, that’s it! And uh – your mummy’s broken so I’m going to take her to my workshop and uh – fix her – yeah! Just for you, for Christmas!
Jessica: Oh… well… okay!
*They arrive back home*
Harry: All right, Mrs. Rowling! Where‘s the plutonium?!
Ron: Harry, did you give your glasses to that ghost?
Harry: It’s okay! I had Subway for lunch!
Ron: No you didn’t… we had Treacle Tart?
Harry: I can’t believe Sirius!
Ron: Why not, Harry?
Harry: He thinks that just because J.K wrote him off he can exploit all his boyish fantasies and sing hit songs from the 1950’s!
Harry: And the worst part of it is, everybody‘s participating!
Sirius: Everybody now! A one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!
The Staff: Bom-bom bom bom-bom bom bom-bom, bom-bom bom bom-bom!
The Order: Bom-bom bom bom-bom bom bom-bom, bom-bom bom bom-bom!
The Ghosts: Mr. Sandman, bring us a dream… Make them the cutest that we’ve ever seen! Give them two lips like roses and clovers. Then tell them that their lonesome nights are over!
Sirius: Mr. Sandman, I’m so alone! Don’t have nobody to call my own! Please turn on your magic beam! Mr. Sand-man bring me a dreeaaaam!