Week of December 7, 2003
Malfoy: Who is that?
Harry: I dunno… She has a neon sign over her head that says ‘The Creator’…?
Malfoy: She looks strangely familiar…
JKR: That’s because you’ve seen me before, Malfoy. I’ve been following Harry since he was a baby – and his dad, and his dad’s dad too…
Harry: I thought I knew you! What are you doing following me around all the time?
JKR: Well, I’m writing your life story… Now, run along and start living your life again!
Malfoy: But – if you‘re writing his life, he can’t do anything until you write something down…
JKR: …*Glares at Malfoy* Be quiet, Malfoy, before I kill you off!
‘What ever it is, it’s got something stuck in between its teeth…’
*The boys watch a girl running round in circles screaming*
Harry: What’s wrong with her?
Malfoy: It’s a sad tale, Harry. You see, young Melanie saw her name on the list of caption contest winners last week, and got all excited that she had finally entered a winning caption.
Harry: So she went mad? Is this the evil secret behind the Caption Contest?!
Malfoy: Alas, no. You see, it was another Melanie who entered the winning caption.
Malfoy: And to make it worse, that Melanie made a Subway joke!
Harry: What is a Subway joke? I don’t get it!
Malfoy: Nor did she, and nor do I… it must be an American thing that hasn’t reached us British yet. Anyway, sad tale, eh?
Harry: Um, Draco, that isn’t one of those moth-attracting lights, is it?
Draco: No… I don’t think s-
*A whole swarm of moths come and attack them*
Malfoy: So this is Eric the Caption Man’s secret underground lair!
Harry: I hear he’s been been holding out here ever since people started complaining about their captions not being chosen…
Malfoy: *Yells for fun* Hey, Eric! How come you didn’t pick my caption last week! Wasn’t it funny enough? I don’t think you’re being very fair!
Eric: Sick’em, Boy!
*A dragon with a sign that says ‘Please stop this ludicrous!’ tied around its neck flies out of the lair and breathes fire all over Malfoy until he’s burned to the ground*
Harry: Well, that got rid of him! *Walks back to Hogwarts happily*
Draco: Oh no! It’s Voldemort drinking blood from a unicorn!
Voldemort: It’s ok! I had Subway for lunch!
Harry: *Sighs* Oh God, that is so old…
Draco: *Groans* He’s meant to be the most evil wizard ever and he can’t even come up with a good punch-line…
Voldemort: What? Not funny? No, don’t go! I have better jokes! Did you hear that one about the Hufflepuff Common Room?!
Draco: Oh God…
Harry: The next thing you know, he’s gonna make Michael Jackson pop out of nowhere for no apparent reason…
Michael Jackson: Hi kids!
Narrator: The effects of fear:
1. Loss of the ability to speak coherently.
Malfoy: Hey, I just didn’t have anything to say at that moment…
2. Rapid whitening of hair.
Malfoy: My hair is this color naturally!
3. Premature aging.
Malfoy: What? …Aaah! Wrinkles! I’m too young to have wrinkles! *Drops lantern and runs away screaming*
Tom: *Talks without moving lips* Do you know what, Dan?
Dan: *Talks without moving lips* What?
Tom: *Without moving at all* I think Emma was having a go at us when she said we should practice being petrified for the second movie…
Dan: *Without moving at all* What makes you say that?
Tom: Cause she and Rupert are behind that tree laughing and pointing at us…
Harry: Hey, whad’ya know? It’s that unicorn Hagrid’s got us out here for. I’ll go tell him, and you can stay here and make sure nothing happens to it while I’m gone, okay, Malfoy?
Malfoy: Of course nothing’s going to happen to the unicorn, Potter! It’ll happen to me!
Harry: That’s exactly why I’m leaving you behind with it!
*Suddenly, men come down from the sky between Quirrell and Harry*
Man: Mr. Quirrell, by mandate of the London Pre-crime Division, I’m placing you under arrest for the future murder of Harry Potter that was to take place today…
Draco: *Screams and faints*
Malfoy: I’m scared… look at my face.
Harry: It’s just a scary black figure in a cloak that looks like a Ringwraith or Dementor!
Both: *Scream and run*
Peter Jackson: *Pops out from behind a tree* Boo! I scare you!
Peter Jackson: I was just testing out my Ringwraith to see what the movie should be rated! I think I’ll go with PG-13 because you were scared and you’re 12 and 14. Then again… you’re playing 11 year olds…
Chris: Cut! That was horrible! Peter, go get your own movie…
Harry: Oh my gosh!
Malfoy: What the…?
*The imprisoned Death Eaters climb out of the ground, covered in dirt*
Lucius: Hello, Draco! Daddy’s back!
Harry: But you’re locked up in Azkaban!
Malfoy: I told you they’d get out somehow. I just didn’t think tunneling out would be the way…
Lucius: Oh… no!
Malfoy: What is it, Father?!
Lucius: *Grabs a strand of his hair* I’ve gone from blonde to brunette! Blasted dirt!
Harry: Man, I can’t believe my caption wasn’t picked!
Draco: Don’t feel bad, it doesn’t mean yours wasn’t funny; there must be some other undivulged reasons why yours wasn’t picked!
Harry: What is that?!
Dobby: Dobby, sir. Dobby the House-Elf!
Malfoy: Er… Dobby? You’re uh – in the wrong movie?
*Dobby grabs a tree branch and whacks himself with it*
Dobby: Bad Dobby! BAD Dobby!
*Both gaping at JKR in shock*
Draco: Me and Potter are going to do what in the sixth book?!
Harry: And Ron will be with who?!
Draco: And Granger’s cup-size is what?!
Spooky Narrator: Ohh, the horrors to be unleashed in ‘Harry Potter and the Hormones of Doom’…
And as Harry and Malfoy entered the Forbidden Forest, they saw something move; it was something large. It then came out from the shadows; it was the Weasley family, all dressed in Dobby-like tea cozy’s.
Mr. Weasley: It’s okay! We had McDonalds today!
Ron: Umm, dad, it’s ‘We had Subway today’
Mr. Weasley: *Sighs* ohh…
Draco: Who is that?
*Jack Sparrow is standing in front of them*
Jack: *Ignores Draco* Now, what did you say your name was?
Harry: Harry Potter…
Jack: Ah, ‘Harry’. Good, strong name. No doubt from your father, huh?
Jack: *Continues obliviously* He was a good man, good pirate…
Harry: Pirate? What?
Jack: *Stares at them for a moment* Oh, sorry lads, wrong movie… *Saunters off drunkly*
Draco: Looks like that oaf Hagrid has been spreading the Firewhiskey ’round… *rolls eyes*
Malfoy: You mean we’re going in there again?
Hagrid: Yep, and I’d keep yer wits about yeh…
Harry: It wasn’t too bad last time… besides, Grawp knows me, he’ll help if we’re in trouble…
Hagrid: There are some things that Grawpy can‘ help you with…
Harry: Why, what could possibly be that bad in there, dragons?
Hagrid: Worse – all the people that use ‘It’s okay, I had Subway for lunch’ as the punch-line for their captions…
Harry: Professor Dumbledore!
Draco: Madam Pomfrey!
Harry: …So I guess ‘liked my new earmuffs’ was a euphemism?
Turning Malfoy’s nose orange: Detention
Going into the forest at night: Scary
Seeing Malfoy pee his pants: Bloody priceless!
Harry: It’s a Death Eater! Run!
Draco: Dad? But, you got caught… Dad?
Lucius: Draco, why are you doing servant stuff?
Harry: Chris? How much longer will I have to hold this? I’ve lost all feeling in my lips…
Draco: What about the blood in my arm? And I feel like a vampire in this hair too!
Harry: Yeah?! Well I need to duct tape my bangs up for people to see the scar! How’s that for a bummer?
Alfonso: Don’t worry… Draco will have an afro when I take control! Um, Harry… well… invest in duct tape.
Harry: How comes he gets what he wants?!
Draco: Well, my father is Lucius Malfoy…
Alfonso: True… well and his father’s offering to let his own personal hairstylist come to the set later…
Draco: Hey, Harry?
Draco: Do you think… that if we stand here looking like idiots long enough, JKR will send us early copies of Books 6 and 7?
Harry: I don’t know… Let’s try it!
Lucius: Welcome to the grand opening of Vold-E-Mart… Where you can find all of your Dark Arts supplies!
Harry: Draco, look!
Draco: Aaah! What’s that?
Harry: I don’t know! Let me find out! *Pulls out a book*
Draco: Potter! Now isn’t the time for a stupid book!
Harry: But this is New Clues to Book 5, by Galadriel Waters!
Harry: Yeah! *Reads it* Okay! It sounds like a Lethifold! But – it seems like there’s more to it than that…
Galadriel: *Walks up* Hey guys!
Harry: *Jumps* Aaah! She’s here?! Let’s ask her!
Draco: Miss Waters, what is that thing right there on the ground?!
Galadriel: *Grins* Follow the clues, boys! Follow the clues! *Disapparates*
Harry: Greeaat… that was a biiggg heelllpp…
Draco: Yeah, we’re about to be lunch and she tells us to follow the clues!
-Tim Burton’s Second ‘Nightmare Before Christmas’-
Draco: What are these?
Harry: They look like… trees…
Draco: Well duh, Potter… But look what’s on them…
Harry: Oh… yeah… there’s – a turkey?
Draco: And a tree… and an egg… but what could they mean?
*The Christmas tree door opens, out pops a skeleton*
Jack: What’s this? What’s this? There’s music in the air! Harry? Draco? Of Death Eaters beware! I’m singing and I’m laughing, for The Pumpkin King am I. That Dumbledore, good fellow, is really quite a guy! *Waltzes to the pumpkin door, and enters it*
Draco: …What… was that?
Man in suit: Scully! Over here!
*Harry and Draco stop dead*
Man: *Walks up* Are you Harry Potter? Wait – of course you are! Your scar!
Harry: *Sighs* No use covering it now…
Man: My name is Fox Mulder, and this is my partner Dana Scully. We’re with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Mulder: See, Scully? I told you that sign back there saying ‘Danger: unsafe’ was a lie! It’s another conspiracy against the American people and this time I’m not going to stand for it!
Harry: Try… the Muggle people. Muggles like you? Cause if you knew about us you’d want like… all these magical cures for things?
Scully: Hey look, kid… if you have a spell that can stop this guy from taking me along on every stupid genetic mutation or time-bending adventure he reads about in the National Enquirer, I’ll lie to cover you in our Case Report to Skinner…?
Harry: Eh, okay…
Draco: Uh, Potter…?
Harry: What now?
Robin Williams: *Jumps over a log while holding a wooden board game, heading straight towards them*
Harry: …What could Robin Williams be doing in here?
Draco: I don’t know…
*The ground beneath them begins to shake*
Robin: Run! It’s a stampede!
*Several huge spiders jump the log, chasing after him*
Harry: Oh! No, Mr. Williams! Those aren’t from the game, they’re just children of Aragog!
Draco: Too late… oh well…
*They continue walking*