Week of December 14, 2003
JKR: …And the stockings were hung by the Portrait Hole with care, in hopes that Dumbledore soon would be there…
Harry: I wonder when she’ll realize we’ve grown out of this…
Neville: Did anyone just see the head of Sirius Black in the fireplace?
Sirius: Fools! I am the Great and Powerful Oz!
Seamus: ‘I’ve been rubbing this kettle for hours, and still no genie! All I wanted was a never-ending pack of Tim Tams!’
Harry: Ay? What’s everyone looking at?
Harry: Well this stinks… Wanna go play Jumanji with Robin Williams in the Forest?
Ron: Sure! Dibs on the elephant!
Harry: Hey, look! It’s snowing!
Seamus: Hermione… we all appreciate your skill at spells, but I really don’t feel like being snowed on right now…
Hermione: What’re you talking about, Seamus? I’m petrified, remember? I can’t do spells…
Seamus: Oy! Then where is this snow coming from?
Neville: Uh, Seamus… that’s Hagrid’s dandruff…
Seamus: Eww, ‘Agrid, take a shower! Ghastly bloke!
Neville: I can’t believe it…
Seamus: It just… isn’t right…
Dean: Yeah! It isn’t fair!
Neville: You got Domino’s instead of Papa John’s!
Percy: *To Gryffindor* Welcome to the Gryffindor common room for yet another year. I’d like to remind you as Head Boy of this house, that there is no talking after 10:00pm, no matter what. Otherwise, err… *His nose elongates like a rat’s, he gets fatter and balder, and his hand turns the color of silver* Has it been an hour already? Er, you’ll have to excuse me for just a second… I need to take my, er, medication! *Runs away*
Seamus: You know, I think there may be something unusual going on with him!
Dean: Remember what Galadriel said: ‘Follow the clues’!
Fred: Okay, this is how the game works: I divide the Subway sandwich into many small pieces, give one to each of you, and the last one to make an ‘It’s okay – I had Subway for lunch’ joke wins!
George: Yeah – we’ll see how long you all last!
Harry: Well, the most evil wizard in a century is after me… but it’s okay! I had Subway for lunch!
Ron: My family is risking starving to death in poverty… but it’s okay! I had Subway for lunch!
Seamus: I got blown up several times in the last movie… but it’s okay! I had Subway for lunch!
Dean: I’m never mentioned once in both movies… but it’s okay! I had Subway for lunch!
Ginny: I’m opening the Chamber of Secrets against my will… but it’s okay! I had Subway for lunch!
Neville: I get Crucio’d in Book Five… but it’s okay! I had Subway for lunch!
Fred: That’s enough! People! The whole point of the game is not to make Subway jokes! You couldn’t even last one lousy minute?
George: Yeah… our game was a failure… but it’s okay! I had Subway for lunch!
Ron: Look… the Slytherins have sent us a Christmas tree… Isn’t it nice of them?
Harry: Ron, that’s not a Christmas tree… that’s the Whomping Willow…
Seamus: What is it?
Dean: Is it a ‘Hufflepuff’ Joke?
Ginny: Is it an ‘Eric’ Joke?
Ron: Is it an ‘I always send in captions and they never get picked’ Joke?
Harry: Is it a ‘Subway’ Joke?
Cut Girl: Is it a *gasp* ‘Michael Jackson’ Joke?
Neville: No! It’s a joke laughing about a ‘Hufflepuff/Eric/Always-send-in-captions/Subway/Michael Jackson’ Joke!
Neville: Why is it snowing inside? It isn’t even Christmas yet!
Ginny: Oh, sorry… I was practicing my ice cold stare for the next time Creevey asks me out.
McGonagall: ‘Starting tomorrow, we will be taking Salsa Dancing lessons!’
Harry: Check it out, Ron! Once I close my eyes, everyone stops moving!
Ron: How would you know, Harry? You eyes are closed!
Harry: Hey! My eyes are closed! No talking!
Seamus: What’s Snape doing here?
McGonagall: *Walks in* Severus! What are you doing in -?
Snape: Look, we’re under the mistletoe…
McGonagall: *Steps out from under the mistletoe*
Snape: You’re right… it’s probably infested with Nargles…
Seamus: *Looking at the girl in front of him* Ahh… She’s the bessst looking girl in the common room… she’s gorgeous!
Neville: *Staring past the girl at the Fat Lady* Yeah… gooorggggeeouuss…
Neville: Oh my gosh! It’s snowing!
Dean: In the Gryffindor common room!
Seamus: That’s impossible!
Harry: It worked, Ron! They actually think it’s snowing!
Ron: Yeah! What they don’t realize is that they’re actually little white stars above the #8 on the keyboard of different sizes!
Hermione: *Reading OotP to the common room*
Harry: *To Ron* They say I can’t listen because they don’t want to change the future…
Christopher Lloyd: And cause a paradox that could destroy the entire fabric of the universe?!
Harry: Wrong movie, dude…
Chris Lloyd: It’ll still cause a paradox…
Harry: But this is a fictional book!
Chris Lloyd: Then why is your friend reading your book in your book?
Harry: …I’m not quite sure…
Hermione: ‘Fred! George! How many times do I have to tell you – stop testing out your Snow Bombs in the common room!
Mysterious Person Not in Shot: Don’t believe the lies! This is not Hogwarts! See the horses on the wall? You are actually in Rohan! We all have to get out of Middle Earth and back to Hogwarts. I say we hold a peaceful assembly and sponsor a bake sale!
Seamus: Um, no?
*The whole common room is in shock because of all the great presents Santa brought*
Harry: Wow! Those must’ve been some cookies you left Santa…
Ron: I didn’t leave him cookies – I left him cheese?
Narrator: Aahh, the power of cheese…
Harry: What’s going on?
Ginny: Fred and George are testing their new product!
Ron: What is it?
Ginny: Extra-Strength Viagra!
*Everybody awaits Santa coming down the chimney*
Hagrid in a Santa Suit: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Chris-mas ev’rybody! Have yeh all been good boys an’ girls this year? Cause if yeh haven’, I ain’t givin you no presents…
*The whole common room cringes*
Harry: I think we preferred it last year when Flitwick and McGonagall dressed up as elves!
McGonagall: Percy Weasley has just informed me that somebody stole many of his younger brother Ron’s possessions. Remind me again what they were, Percy.
Percy: *Clears throat* Well, he lost his favorite undies with the lollipops on them, his teddy bear Mr. Tickles, and a Cabbage Patch Doll.
Ron: Percy! How dare you!
Ron: You’re supposed to call them kids! Not dolls! They’re people too, ya know! *Stomps off*
Little Boy: No, no, no! You’re not concentrating hard enough!
*Everyone stares at a giant spoon*
Little Boy: Just remember… there is no spoon…
Boy: Wow, is that a talking Eric doll?
Girl It sure is! Pretty cool, huh?
Boy: Go on, then! Lets see what it says!
Girl: *Squeezes hand of the talking Eric doll*
Eric doll: *High squeaky voice* Please do not send in captions complaining about your other captions not being picked! And, by the way, I’m a talking Eric action figure, not a doll…
Hermione: What’s wrong, guys? Don’t you like it?
Dean: Look, Hermione, we’re into this whole ‘free the enslaved house-elves’ thing, but -
Seamus: Sewing little hats to the back of your robes to free them when they wash them is just mad!