Week of December 21, 2003
*The Trio in Rivendell*
Hermione: Look at what Ardent is wearing…
Harry: She is saying something in Elvish… *pokes Ron* what is she saying?
Ron: *Translating* ‘This… isn’t… your… movie… Go back… to your own.’…
Emma: That’s really absurd…
Rupert: Tom, thirteen-year-old boys aren’t supposed to be 6’1”. Didn’t you get the memo?
Tom: Well, thirteen-year-old boys aren’t supposed to have voices so deep you can barely hear them either…
Dan: *Squeaky voice* Yes! I can still be Harry because my voice hasn’t stopped cracking and I’m still 5’4”!
Ron: Is that who I think it is?
Harry: Big belly, fur-trimmed hat, long white beard…
Hermione: So he does exist!
Man Off-Screen: Oy oy oy! I’ve got Hanukkah presents for all of you! And I tell you, schlepping all this way through the snow with no reindeer… Oy gevalt!
Trio: *Reading his name on the suit* Shloimey Claus?!
Shloimey: Well, there haven’t been any Hanukkah captions yet!
Hermione: Percy is certainly ambitious…
Harry: Who knew he had it in him?
Ron: We are not related! I mean, just because Fudge told him to dance around Hogwarts in Dobby’s tea cozy to get a promotion…
Percy: Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree!
Harry: Don’t you think this is weird?
Ron: Writing on the wall in blood!
Harry: No, not that… Isn’t it odd how we noticed a puddle of water on the floor before we noticed big, red writing on the wall?
Harry: Who knew McGonagall and Seamus would actually make very good Salsa Dancing partners?
*The Hogwarts Nativity Play*
Harry: Why is Snape the Angel Gabriel?
Harry: Do you think I should’ve told him? I mean, about Nearly Headless Nick’s zipper?
Ron: Are you mad?
Hermione: No, Harry. Even in the Wizarding World seeing someone’s zipper open isn’t a good thing!
Harry: Hermione, what’s wrong?
Hermione: I, I forgot what a pronoun is! And the test will begin in a few minutes! I’m going to fail!
Ron: Look, if it asks you what a pronoun is, just write that it’s a noun, which lost its amateur status.
Hermione: Oh, thanks, Ron! You’re a lifesaver…
Harry: *Whispers to Ron* You don’t know either, do you?
Ron: *Whispers back* We can only hope she gets points for originality!
Harry: …Well that settles it; there is a roof on the Great Hall…
*Pulls curtain aside*
Ron: I can’t believe it!
Hermione: It can’t be…
Harry: You’re Slytherin’s Heir?
Neville: Oh – uh – Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!
Voldemort: *Materializes in the hall* I am Tom – Marvolo – Riddle…
Hermione: ‘Marvolo’? What’s that, some kind of laundry detergent?
Harry & Ron: *Snigger*
Ron: *To JKR* Why is only Harry‘s name in the title? I helped, too!
Hermione: Yeah, me too! *Pouts*
Ron: *Reading* ‘The Chamber of Secrets has been opened… Enemies of the hair beware’…
Draco: *Takes a nervous look at Hermione*
Harry: Enemies of the hair beware! *Looks at Malfoy* You’ll be next, slick-heads!
Ron: Is that…
Harry: It is… I don’t believe it!
Ron: It’s Professor McGonagall, and she’s had…
Both: A boob job!
Hermione: *Scoffs* Call that a ‘boob job’? I’d say there’s been a landslide in Silicon Valley…
‘Hagrid, I think you misunderstood… you’re supposed to be a big, hairy, half-giant, not a big, hairy half-naked giant!’
Harry: There’s another message on the wall: ‘For a good time, owl Narcissa at…’?
Hermione: That’s really… wrong…
Ron: Yeah, that is gross… *Smiles wickedly* Can I be the first to tell Malfoy?
Ron: ‘Well that‘s the last time I give Scabbers a Scooby Snack…’
*At the S.P.E.W. Puppet Show promotion*
Puppet Elf: Master tells us to do bad things, but we do them because we are good house elves!
Puppet 2: Rip! Kill! Tear!
Harry: Are you sure this is suitable for children, Hermione?
Harry: I just realised something…
Harry: If there’s no spoon, then what the heck did I eat my cereal with this morning?
Ron: Harry, can you read that?
Harry: Nope, can’t read it…
Ron: Slytherin’s Heir must be left handed…
Harry: It says ‘Stop sending in Subway and My-Caption-Didn’t-Get-Picked Jokes!‘…
Hermione: It’s written in blood…
Ron: Eric must be serious now…
‘We really need more bathrooms on this floor, so this sort of thing doesn’t happen…’
Nearly-Headless Nick: Haha!
Ron: Er… what is it, Nick?
Nick: Just wait till Sir Properly-Decapitated Porpington hears about this!
Harry: – Hears about what?
Nick: I’m going to join the army of Dwimworld, get to be commanded by Aragorn, and go kill a bunch of orcs while doing so!
Ron: What are ‘orc’s?
Nick: I’m not quite sure, but if we don’t’ kill them then Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Gandalf won’t be able to help Frodo and Sam destroy the Ring of Power and Sauron and his evil forces of death will kill us all and bring about a world of savage rule!
Harry: …I think I’ll go to Potions now…
Hermione: Harry, look!
Harry: Oh no!
Voice of Tom Riddle: That’s right, Ginny… we must get the cookies… we must get the cookies…
Ginny: *Walking zombie-like to a painting of food, tickling a pear, and disappearing behind it*