Week of December 28, 2003
Phineas Nigellus: You know, I just visited my other portrait at 12 Grimmauld Place, and guess who still sleeps with a teddy bear?
Portrait 1: Hey, do you want to hear a joke?
Portrait 2: Um… no.
Portrait 1: C’mon! Don’t leave me hanging! Ha! Get it?
Portrait 2: …What an idiot…
Dumbledore: How many times must I say it? Don’t fall asleep wearing your hat!
Portrait: Does this look like a Smithy Luxury Apartment? I think not! I can’t see the extra-large paddling pool, or the 12” big screen TV! This isn’t a little piece of Heaven, Dumbledore! I can’t even take the hat off anyway!
Dumbledore: Ah… the curse of being painted…
Dumbledore: …and so, Grindelwald bent down to tie his laces and *Wham*! I hit him straight in the back with the Aveda Kadevra curse! Dead as a doorknob! Well, now that you’ve heard that story I must tell you how I discovered the 12 uses for dragon’s blood! It was a warm summer day, and I just happened to pass a dragon…
Portrait: Albus! You really need a hobby!
‘Hmm… I really need a new job. I mean, am I working up to my full potential?’
Harry: C’mon, guys… I know none of you are really asleep…
Paintings: *Keep faking sleep*
Harry: Hey! Wake up!
Paintings: *Staying still*
Harry: I’ll get the Paint Thinner!
Paintings: We’re awake! We’re awake!
Ron: Harry?! Where are you?
Harry: Ron! What happened?
Hermione: We’ve been turned into pictures! Aah! And this isn’t my good side!
Portrait: Man, it is soo boring in here… Dumbledore never throws any parties. When I was headmaster, I through parties all night and day! But then there was one time when I…
Portraits: Shut up, Ned!
Guy 1: Well, I can’t use a Subway joke…
Guy 2: …Or a ‘Priceless’ joke…
Guy 3: Or a Waldo joke…
Guy 4: *Grins* …But they didn’t say anything about Michael Jackson!
When the other headmasters kicked him off the wall, Rudolph the red-nosed headmaster felt very sad…
Because of the lack of movement in this picture, it has been declared ‘Impossible to Caption’.
*Tonks appears in Dumbledore’s office, disguised to somewhat resemble him*
Tonks: *Spots one of the odd magical contraptions and grins* Now I can find out how Dumbledore’s One-of-a-Kind Delicious Turkey Sandwich Maker works! *Pushes the red button. A sandwich pops out*
Dumbledore: *Walks in* Nice try, but the Turkey Sandwich Maker is guarded by extremely powerful magic! Calmly back away from it, and give me that sandwich!
Tonks: Oh, man! *Hands back sandwich and disappears angrily*
Dumbledore: Wait! Come back here! …I don’t like people trying to steal my sandwiches!
A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words – Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, and Chris Judd. Walls will come down and butts will get bigger. Coming soon to a theater near you.
Voldemort: Come to the dark side, Harry Potter!
Harry: *Looks puzzled*
Voldemort: What? Why waste money on lighting the whole room?
*Harry and Ron stumble across a wall of portraits*
Ron: Wow! It’s MuggleNet’s Wall of Shame!
Harry: It appears so, although I don’t remember it being quite so decorative…
Eric’s Voice: *Cackles* My newest punishment for those who are still sending in Subway and Not Picked jokes! They’ll be immortalized in a portrait as an old man for all to pass by and ridicule…!
Harry: …They have funny hats, too…
Portrait 1: Why are we in the Caption Contest? We aren’t crucial to the story…
Portrait 2: Hmm… I know! We are here because Dumbledore wanted to share the fame and put us in the spotlight for once!
Portrait 3: No, no… The real reason we’re here is because the entire cast is on holiday leave… They’ve nobody else to be in the Caption Picture, so they took a photo of us…
All Portraits: Oh…
Witch snoozing in chair: ‘Alright, whose mobile phone was that?’
Portrait 1: I am so bored…
Portrait 2: How ’bout a sing-along?
Portrait 3: Yeah!
Portrait 1: At first I was afraid…
Portrait 2: I was petrified…
Portrait 3: ‘Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side…
All Portraits: But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong; I learned how to live alone and so you’re back… fr-
Dumbledore: Dah! Keeeep – quuuiiiieeettt!
Man w/ Long Beard: I don’t believe it’s snowing inside!
Woman w/ Head Down: Asterisks, people, asterisks…
Tour Guide: …and on your right you’ll see DaVinci, as portrayed in the movie ‘Ever After’, and just ahead is Gandalf the Grey. Any questions?
Phineas: Yeah, since when was DaVinci a Hogwarts headmaster, let alone a wizard?
Tour Guide: …
Portrait 1: My portrait is better than yours!
Portrait 2: You wish! Anyone with eyes can see that mine is best of all!
Portrait 1: In your dreams! Do you wanna start something?
Portrait 2: Bring it! *Pounds against wall, knocking Portrait 1 off*
Portrait 1: That’s not faaaiiirrr! *Voice gets fainter… thud*
Dumbledore: What’s going on here?
Portrait 1: Well you see, uh, there was a bit of a… portrait earthquake – yeah, that’s it!
Dumbledore: I didn’t feel any earthquake…
Portrait 1: You wouldn’t, now, would you? It was a portrait earthquake!
Portrait 1: So… do you like… stuff?
Portrait 2: Yeah, I like stuff… hey, Digs, do you like stuff?
Portrait 3: Stuff rocks…
Portrait 1: So…
*At the W.C.f.M.N (Wizarding Clinic for Mental Nutcases)*
Portrait 1: Hey, look! We have a new member!
Lockhart: Hi, I’m Gilderoy…
Everyone: Hi, Gilderoy!
Dumbledore: *Watching* Well it’s about time he joined…
Spotlighted Portrait: So what are we going to do tonight, guys?
Other Portraits: The same thing we do every night: try – to distract – the audience!
The pictures were hung on the walls with care, in hopes that St. Dumbledore soon would be there…
Dumbledore: ‘Okay, can all of you please close your eyes so I can change?’
Pointed Hat Wizard: ‘I knew I should’ve asked for the portrait with a view!’
Portrait 1: *Laughing* I love that trick step… gets Neville every time!
The portraits could hardly contain their excitement upon hearing Professor Umbridge announce that in accordance with Educational Decree #3,329, carrots who wear sunglasses and specialize in Elvis impressions will no longer be permitted at Hogwarts, and anyone suspected of associating with said carrots will be stripped naked, covered in toothpaste and thrown from the highest window of the tallest tower.
Portrait: Hey, everybody! Be quiet, he’s coming!
Santa Clause: *Crawls through the window* Hmm… no chimney… Oh well… *crosses the office*
Portrait: One… two… three…
Portrait 2: *Cut off from view* Polo…
Portrait 2: Polo…
Portrait 3: Dah! What do you people want with me?!
Portraits: Oh… we forgot. Sorry, Marco…