Week of January 4, 2004
Lockhart: ‘Well, at least nobody will make fun of him for being big-boned…’
Hermione: ‘Harry, you eat way too much Jell-O…’
Lockhart: ‘Flexibility is a fickle fiend… Flexibility is a frickle… Flecabalaly… Gah! Don’t trust bendiness!‘
Gilderoy: At least you’ll be able to bend more now…
Hermione: *Thinking* Oh, he’s so great with children!
‘Cheer up, Harry! It’s only a hand, after all! Maybe now you can get one of those cool hooked hands like Lucius!’
Lockhart: ‘You see, class, Yoga is a wonderful Muggle exercise program! Why, just look what can happen once you stretch your muscles! You really can lick your elbow!’
Gilderoy: Now, Harry, in my Quidditch days I had many accidents in pursuit of the Snitch! Why, once I crashed into the ground and cracked my head open, attempted a healing charm, and ended up turning it around backwards! That was an emergency visit to St. Mungo’s for sure!
Harry: If you’re trying to boost my morale, it isn’t working…
Gilderoy: ‘And if you call now and order our ‘Contortionism for Dummies’ kit, we’ll throw in a free Bendy-Arm Harry! Your kids will love him!
Harry had that all-too-familiar sensation that a house-elf was in some bizarre way trying to kill him, but with good intention.
‘You know, you should really see the nurse about this strange, bendy arm of yours…’
Harry: We’re not even playing Hufflepuff… how did they all get onto the field so quick? Why do they care if I got hurt? What’s the deal, anyway, I only see two Gryffindors! I feel unloved!
Gilderoy: ‘Hermione, that’s what I would do for a Klondike bar!’
‘All I said was that I didn’t want to buy her cookies, and the Girl Scout went mad!‘
Lockhart: Oh, uh… these things just, um, sometimes can happen… you’d best go see Madam Pomfrey, she’ll uh, fix this up in no time!
Harry: Will you quit worrying about the ‘no bones’ deal? I’ve got a bigger problem!
Lockhart: Umm… bigger… problem?
Hermione: Hello?! He’s got a mole the size of Texas on his arm and Chris said we shouldn’t delete any more scenes!
‘Anyone up for Boneless Harry Wings?’
Gilderoy: Well, Harry, on the bright side, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!
Lockhart: Well, I’m sorry you broke your arm, Harry, but if you’d just listened to that educational decree and stopped associating with that darn carrot…
Harry: I told you, there was no carrot!
Hermione: *Smugly* That’s not what you said under Veritaserum two minutes ago!
Gilderoy: I swear, if his arm slaps me agai-
Gilderoy: Oh, wise guy, eh? Nyuck nyuck nyuck!
Gilderoy: ‘Wait till Elle Woods sees this! The true meaning of ‘Bend and Snap’!
Lockhart explains how he makes his award-winning spaghetti…
Harry: You have to be the worst wizard I’ve ever heard of…
Lockhart: But you have heard of me!
Hermione: Harry! Are you okay?!
Harry: *Writing* I… can’t… say… anything. In the next few weeks the CC is focusing on one-line captions…
Gilderoy: ‘Well, Harry, I would say you’re a modern-day Stretch Armstrong, but believe me – that kind of thing will not gain you positive attention from the public eye!’
Gilderoy: ‘You see, Harry, you should never point any fingers – more fingers end up pointing back at you!’
Hermione wondered if Emerson’s request for one-line captions was the result of a long-time affiliation with Gary Larson’s ‘Far Side’.
[Emerson’s Note: ‘Indeed!’]-Wes
Lockhart: Wow, it’s just like Jell-O! *Jiggles his arm*
Lockhart: Amazing! *Jiggles his arm again*
Lockhart: Wow, I did it!
Hermione: But he’s worse than before!
Lockhart: Yeah, but they usually turn purple and fizzle into nothingness!
Lockhart: Well, look on the bright side, Harry!
Harry: And what would that be, exactly?
Lockhart: That I’m still extremely hand-som. Haha! Get it?
Lockhart: ‘And if you bend it this way, it becomes a portable shoelace decoder!’
Harry: Cool! Now I’ve got a built-in catapult!
‘…And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I cured a Transylvanian villager of biting his nails!’
‘Look on the bright side, Harry. Next time someone tells you to lick your elbow, the joke’s on them!’
‘Quick! We have to roll a 5 or an 8 before the game sucks him in completely and he comes out 26 years later looking like Tarzan!’