Week of January 25, 2004
‘Tell me right now who turned off the Technicolor! I said now!
Uncle Voldy Wants You!
Join the Dark Forces Today!
The Pureblood Nation is calling on you!
‘Okay, where’s my bagel?! I’m not performing in color without my bagel! What’s that you’re eating, Chris?’
Alex Trebeck: Welcome back to Jeopardy! Tom, the board’s yours!
Tom: I’ll take ‘Future Dark Lords’ for 1000 please…
Tom: Hagrid, I must stop you… before it kills again!
Hagrid: But a lil’ bit o’ interpretive dance never hurt anyone!
Tom: It’s amazing, isn’t it, Hagrid?
Hagrid: What’s amazing?
Tom: How someone so dashingly handsome, smoldering hot, and utterly irresistible can be this evil!
Hagrid: *Mutters* You know it’s a guy judging the caption contest, don’t you?
‘Now, where did I put that ”Win a Caption Contest” spell?’
Tom Riddle’s Nightmare:
Tom: Mr. Snoogies! Come back!
Mr. Snoogies (the Teddy Bear): *Drifts away*
Tom: *Chasing after in slow motion*
Harry: What are you doing, Tom?
Tom: *Ignores Harry*
Audience: He can’t hear you, Harry. You’re in color; he’s in sepia. It just can’t happen…
Dumbledore: …and the next ‘Tom Riddle’ goes to… Michael Jackson!
Colin: Oh, he certainly deserves to win; he’s definitely touched us all…
*A group of Death Eaters are playing ‘CLUE’ *
Avery: Ooh, ooh, I know who did it! It was Madam Pomfrey with the jinxed rope in the Department of Magical Transport!
Tom: Show-off… Aveda Kadevra!
Dark Arts lesson #311:
1) Stand straight up.
2) Look slightly apprehensive.
3) Hold your wand out.
4) Be prepared to be beaten by a teenage black-haired boy; for he has been proven smarter than you will ever be.
Tom: *Thinking* No wonder this stuff doesn’t sell… it just isn’t inspirational!
Tom: ‘*High-pitched voice* Eww! Gross! Get that yucky spider out of here! Squish it! Squish it!‘
‘I didn’t want to do this, Hagrid… *smiling* Well, actually, I did…’
Tom: ‘Eeny, meeny, miney, mo… Sorry, Hagrid, but your monster’ll have to go!
‘Kids: *Taunting* Riddle me this, Riddle me that…
Tom: And this, Harry, is why I became Lord Voldemort…
Tom: *To Harry* I shall call you Squishy, and you shall be mine, and you shall be my Squishy! Come here, Squishy…
Tom: Ow! Bad Squishy, bad!
Dori: Wow, I know I’ve heard that line somewhere…
‘And if you call now, you too can be the owner of this lovely, fifty-year-old diary! Er… pay no attention to the slightly-transparent teenager emerging from the book…’
‘They’ll have your pants for this, Hagrid…’
Tom: *Looking in a mirror* If only I was as cute as Sean Biggerstaff… then maybe I wouldn’t have this internalized angst directed towards my Muggle father leading me into this life of violence, lusting for immortality and world domination. But no… Sean is much cuter…
‘Yes! Soon I will rule the world, and every 3rd Wednesday we shall eat Chinese food and fight for the rights of all little fuzzy animals!’
Christian: ‘*Exasperatedly* Years at Cambridge… strange artsy plays, dumb children’s shows, stuffy period pieces, and now this: prancing around in a dress with a stick in my hand!’
‘Here’s the stick they dislodged from your posterior, Severus…’
Riddle: Your love has broken the curse… I’ll never have to kill again…
Mr. & Mrs. Weasley: …Really?
Riddle: *Evil grin* Nah! I’m just screwin’ with ya!
Ron: Bother! Bother! Bother! Bother!
Harry: Bother! Bother! Bother! Bother!
Ron: Bother! Bother!
Tom: This is enough to drive any super-villain into Rehab!
Harry: But Tom, I meant they’re good for your soul!
*Heavenly music plays; Harry turns into an angel with clouds behind him*
Tom: I have no soul!
*A fiery place of doom appears in the background and a deep voice laughs*
Hagrid: Whatcha up to, Tom?
Tom: Well, it says ‘stay tuned’, so I’m staying tuned…
Hagrid: Er… how long you been at it?
Tom: 3 days, 19 hours, 42 minutes, and 13 seconds…
Hagrid: Okie *walks away*
Tom: Mother! What have you done? Mother! *cue ‘Psycho’ violins*
Tom: ‘Freeze, Columbus! If you don’t put me in another movie, I’ll turn you into a 2nd Unit Director faster than you can say ”Home Alone”!’
Riddle: Boe a hûn neled herain dan caer menig!
Hagrid: What? That’s not your line?
Riddle: I know, but my boyfriend might be watching and he says I look sexy when I speak Elfish. Hey, Jeffy-poo! I love you, sugar booger!
Tom: But… it was so real… *pointing to Neville* you were the cowardly lion… *points to Snape* and you were the tin-man, *points to Gilderoy* and you were the scarecrow…
Tom: Lord Voldemort is my past, present, and future! *Spells out I AM LORD VOLDEMORT*
Harry: Hey! That’s a pretty cool trick!
Tom: Yeah, I know! And, if I jumble the letters again, getting rid of an M and an R but adding an O, I can spell ‘TREADMILL VOODOO‘!
Tom: That’s what you stepped in, that’s the white substance on your shoe, and that explains the abrasion on your palm! Let me play that back for you: !mlap ruoy no noisarba eht snialpxe taht dna ,eohs ruoy no ecnatsbus etihw eht s’taht ,ni deppets uoy tahw s’tahT
Th-That‘s Malfoy? That’s who everyone thinks is the heir? Puh-leez! He looks like that Muggle, Aaron Carter! (I doubt he could really damage anything other than my ear drums!)
Tom: *To the mirror* I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, gosh darn it, people like me!’
Chris: Okay, everybody: places!
an: Aaaaaaaaaaaalrighty then, Chris!
Tom: Hey! What’s Jim Carrey doing here?
Jim: Warner Bros. was lookin’ for a Riddle character, and it sure beats green tights and purple question marks!
Harry: Do you think it suits him?
Hermione: Yeah… Eric is way better anyway…
Eric: Hey, thanks, guys! Thanks to your supreme magical talents, he’s finally out of the picture…. or, well, into the picture, haha!
Emerson: Hey! Lemme outta here! Guys? Guys!