Week of February 8, 2004
Blonde Girl: Did you hear? Some 3rd year said that we’d have to choose who we’d rather see naked – Professor Snape, Janet Jackson, or Richard Hatch!
Portrait of Woman Muttering: ‘Are you sure you don’t want a chair?’ the artist asked me. ‘No,’ I said, ‘I don’t mind standing up for a while.’ Nobody mentioned that I’d be standing up day in, day out for a few centuries!
Portrait of Man with Scroll: You can talk! I opted to spend my days with nothing to read but all the Subway captions Eric rejected!
Student 1: Why is there a portrait of Abe Lincoln in Hogwarts?
Student 2: He’s not a wizard, is he?
Student 3: Well, you know those Americans – pretty crazy, now aren’t they?
Student 4: Yeah, I mean after Janet Jackson’s ‘costume malfunction’ *cough cough*, I’d believe just about anything!
-Sierra and Jill
Girl: ‘Oh, there goes that guy who sent in 272 entries for the Caption Contest last week…’
…And the line for ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’ begins to form…
Girl in Picture: Guys!
Students: *Keep walking*
Girl in Picture: Guys! This isn’t funny! Let me outta here!
Students: *Snigger and keep walking, while Chris Columbus tries to sneak by*
Girl in Picture: Chris! You’ll get me down, won’t you? Won’t you?
Columbus: Ah – well, see, the thing is… Um… the techs do that! Yeah – the techs! Oh, look, I’m needed in the basement, bye!
Harry: Ron, I think she fancies you…
Ron: What? She does? *Stops and turns back to portrait* Hi… I’m Ron…
Some Girl: Hey, what’s Colin Firth doing on the wall?
Elizabeth Bennet: *Waving* Hello, Mr. Darcy! Make sure you say hello to Einstein and Shakespeare on your way up, children!
Girl: I think that portrait’s my grandmother!
Boy: Wicked! There’s a painting of a student’s relative in plain view of the school!
Girl: No, I mean that the portrait is my grandmother!
Girl Facing Out: What are we waiting in line for?
Boy: I heard we’re going to be able to see the Janet Jackson / Justin Timberlake Superbowl Half-time Peep Show!
Small Portrait of a Man: ‘Sorry, sorry, but would you happen to know whether an ”S” with pointy edges is an ”S” or a backwards ”Z”? I’ve been trying to find out for years, but no one would tell me…’
Dumbledore: ‘Attention: Due to the fact that my caption entries have been ignored, despite their AMAZING cleverness, all students will proceed in an orderly fashion up the stairs, and OUT of this week’s caption picture! Thank you!‘
Girl: Oh no!
Boy: What is it?
Girl: He’s doing it again!
Dumbledore: They may call me a pervert, they may call me a fool, but it’s Naked, Naked, Naked Time, all around the school! Wheeeeee!
Boys: Are all the portraits real-like?
Boy: And there’s some in our dorms?
Girl: I think so…
Boy: …I’m changing in the closet…
Eric: This way, first years. Now we come to Caption Contest Photo #88. Gather round, gather round; take notice of how the first captions had speech bubbles, but after a lot of controversy and corny jokes about them, they were removed.
Kids: Ooooh, Aaaah…
Eric: And now, if you follow me, we will begin the history of one-line captions…
Harry: Neville! Watch out for the –
Hogwarts students lined up, two in each row,
And were passed a rope, but why? They didn’t know.
There finally came the call to tug,
But not the combined strength could free the big lug.
For Hagrid again had been stuck in the door.
Small Man in Portrait: ‘Welcome to Hogwarts… oh, by the way, I’m getting a speaking part in the next film. Look for me!’
Harry: What’s the point of the changing staircases, anyway? Why in the world would anyone enchant the stairs to move?
Ron: Well, it’s a convenient way for us to ‘accidentally’ run into Fluffy, and also great for J.K.R. because she can blame it on the stairs if she messes up the directions around Hogwarts!
Girl One: Hey, look at that lady in the dress!
Girl Two: It looks like she’s turning red!
Hermione: Well, I read about her in Hogwarts: A History. She’s supposed to be allergic to paint…
Students: Percy! Why’s there a portrait of Orlando Bloom here?
Percy: Well, he was our greatest elf! I thought you would have known that!
Harry: Hey, are those letter boxes? I didn’t know portraits received mail…
Ron: I wonder how many stamps it would take to send to that…
Portrait: ‘Hello, and welcome to Hogwarts. This year you’ll be faced with a mountain troll, a three-headed dog, and an evil psychopathic professor. But don’t worry; there are good times too…’
Hermione: No, Harry. Even in the Wizarding world, hearing voices isn’t a good sign…
Small Man in Portrait: She’s right you know… *sigh* maybe I’ve read the book too many times, but I’m sure Hermione just stole Ron’s line. She shouldn’t really know more about the Wizarding world than Ron, should she? Doesn’t quite make sense –
Chris Columbus: Stop questioning my film!
Portrait 1: Look at all those students, so young and innocent! I wonder how many Ms. Rowling’ll kill off by the end of the series…
Portrait 2: Care to make it interesting? *Pulls out wallet*
Ron: Hey… is that sweet little girl in the portrait making a… PG-13-type gesture at me?!
Harry: Well maybe you shouldn’t have said her acting lacked depth!
During the tour of Hogwarts, the children learned that Shirley Temple, Napoleon Bonaparte, Benjamin Franklin, and William Shakespeare had once attended the school.
-Jaime and Brannan
‘We’re following the leader, the leader, the leader. We’re following the leader, wherever he may go…’
Painting: ‘Bye, firsties… make good choices!’
Girl On Stairs: *Wipes something off her face disgustedly* Ow! Who shot the spitball? Hey, June, you don’t think…
Second Girl: *Looks at portraits suspiciously* …Nah!
*Portraits stifle giggles*
Plate Under Middle Portrait: ‘Honest Abe’ Lincoln, finest Veritaserum guinea-pig Hogwarts has ever seen.
Student 1: Oh, look! There’s a portrait of the Queen when she was our age!
Student 2: She’s still doing that wave – after how many years?!
Sociologists were surprised at the number of people that would line up and dress in black robes, all to get .43 seconds in a Harry Potter film…
‘Either these stairs are moving, or I drank way too much Firewhiskey!’
Kid 1: I would’ve never thought pictures could walk and talk…
Kid 2: Clearly, you’ve never been to Singapore…
Blue skidoo, we can too!
Draco: Stop! Stop singing this terrible song!
Portrait 1: Why, what’s the matter, sonny, is daddy ashamed of his past?
Portrait 2: Yeah! Doesn’t Lucius Hooky-wooky want the world to know he lost his arm to a boy in tights?!
Boy 1: Alas, tis common knowledge these stairs are weak.
Girl 1: Hath ye no courage?
Boy 2: Dost thou dare walk thee to thine own grave?
Girl 2: O’er the railing ye be sent if thou wish to blab!
Harry: Why’s everybody talking in Olde English?
Portrait: Excellent question, Tybalt! I, William Shakespeare, am working on my most recent play, Much Ado about Something, which takes place in this very castle! In it, a young boy wizard and a young girl witch are secretly in love, and throughout their years at wizardry school they fight, nag, and do all but admit their affection for one another! Meanwhile, a mean old wizard with a nasty attitude is plotting against their best friend, whom the young and beautiful witch is also entwined with!
Harry: Oh… I see. Hey…. wait -?