Week of February 15, 2004
Harry: Oooh, it’s that girl from the 6th year… she’s so hot!
Ron: Yeah! Do you think I can impress her?
Harry: Maybe… but why do you have Lockhart on a leash?
Ron: Duh! Everyone knows that girls like it when boys have a dog with them… it’s ‘cute’.
Lockhart: *Smiles* Woof…
Harry: Myrtle, we want to tell you… once Ron here kills Lockhart, you’re going to have a companion!
Lockhart: And then, if you’ll believe me, I grabbed the werewolf’s head like this, and I –
Ron: Just get in the hole…
Lockhart: *Sigh* No one understands me…
Harry: Get in the hole!
Lockhart: I was just looking for someone to love me for who I am…
Myrtle: Oh, Lockhart, come here, darling!
Lockhart: …and in the hole I gooooooo-ooooo!
Ron: *Whispering* Harry, do you think I can wipe Lockhart’s memory now, so we won’t have problems later?
Harry: *Also whispering* Yeah, I thing it’s a gr-
Lockhart: *Turns around and whispers in Harry’s ear* I like whispering, too!
‘Ooooooh, the clawwww!!!’
Harry: Wow, the effects are great in this film, you know?
Ron: Yeah, I suppose… except for the fact that the moon manages to shine through every single window in the castle when there is a pivotal moment…
Lockhart: Yeah, it even manages it in the dungeons.
Ron: Yeah, that is weird. Maybe it runs across the sky as quickly as possible to shine in the right place –
Lockhart: Or maybe it just takes up the WHOLE of the sky –
Chris Columbus: Or maybe we just use big lights!
Lockhart: Apparently… ah… the room has gone… blue…
The new reality show on MTV: When People Run Out of Caption Ideas
Ron: There is a message on the wall!
Lockhart: *Reads* Stop using my toilet or else…
Ron: -‘Or else’ what?
Myrtle: *Floats out of the toilet and smiles at Harry* I told you he would say that… now pay up!
Harry: *Withdraws ten Galleons* Why can’t you be more original next time, Ron?!
‘Mars is unusually bright tonight…’
‘You know, I’m starting to think that mermaid portrait keeps losing her shells on purpose…!’
Myrtle: Everyone’s been making fun of me all these years! I can’t go anywhere without someone making an awful comment… so, what’s up with you?
Harry: Try hanging around with brain-dead pretty boy.
Lockhart: Hey! I resemble that remark!
Harry: Whoa, what is that?
Lockhart: Oh, man! It’s a Moodysaurus!
Ron: What? What! I can’t see anything!
Ron: Huh? Why can’t I see it?
Lockhart: The Moodysaurus is only seen by those who are way too full of themselves, and are way too moody!
Harry: Really? Hey… wait!
*Lockhart and Ron snigger*
Ron: Gimme five, Professor!
Harry, Ron, and Lockhart: *Singing in a round* Blue moooon… you got me standin’ alone…
Simon Says: Turn everything blue.
Simon Says: Look this way.
Raise your wand – HA! Gotcha! Simon didn’t say!
Lockhart: *Humming loudly and singing* I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, and this is how it goes… I know a song that –
Harry: *Mutters* And I’m supposed to be The Boy Who Lived? I should’ve been called The Boy Who Would Have Rather Died…
Myrtle accidentally floats up with the steam of her hot shower…
~*~Briton Idol Auditions~*~
Harry: A WHOLE NEW WOOOOORLD… A NEW FAN-TAS-TIC POINT OF VIEW…
Myrtle: Yes, yes… good – don’t call us; we’ll call you…
Harry: That’s a lot of money! –
Lockhart: -More than I made off all of my books! –
Harry: -More than what’s in my vault! –
Ron: -More than… well, basically anything my family has ever had!
Together: Where did it all come from?
Disembodied Voice: All of this is the money that your life stories have gotten and earned.
Ron: Really? My family won’t be poor any more if part of that’s mine!
Disembodied Voice: But bwahaha! All of that is mine! All mine! You do not even exist! I created you, you are mine!
*J.K.R. appears and jumps on top of the huge amount of money*
JKR: It is mine! My precious… you are mine, all, all mine. All Jo’s… Precious… precious…
Lockhart: Let me escape quietly, and you can be the first to read my new book, Traipsing with Terrorists, about how I single-handedly stopped terrorism in the world.
Harry: I think President Bush is already taking credit for that…
Lockhart: Who’ll believe him? I actually have pictures of the weapons of mass destruction!
Harry: *Speaking in a coaxial tone* Oh, Hermione! Come on down from there now! Look! We’ve got Professor Lockhart! If you come down, he promises to sign your entire fan-obsessed library on him… all 700 volumes! C’mon, be a good girl…
Ron: Harry, Dumbledore does always say that the truth is preferable to lies…
Harry: Okay… Hermione! Although the prop department forgot the lenses in my glasses, I can still see up your skirt! So will you please get your sensible white-cotton-type fanny down here, NOW?
Harry: Here’s the plan… we go down there… kick some snake butt… and if we’re lucky, come out before bed-time. That’s if we’re lucky!
Ron: Oh, man! The permission slip said we were going to Disneyland!
Yes. David Thewlis’ Adolph Hitler moustache was that bad…
Modern Art: No one gets it.
Harry: I know that Ginny didn’t mean to throw the diary through Myrtle’s head, but this is just too much…
Ron: She’s made a fully functional ghostly firing range and target arena! Blimey…
Lockhart: It’s a small world after all…
Harry: *Joins* It’s a small world after all…
Ron: I swear, if you two don’t shut up…
Harry: We have to get Mary her briefcase back.. but first we’ve got to say her last name in Parseltongue to get past this door. But – what was her name?
Lockhart: Er…. starts with an ‘S’…
Ron: Well of course it starts with an ‘S’, it’s in Parseltongue!
Lockhart: Er… y’know, I don’t really recall…
Harry: Sswwimm, swammy, ssslippy, slimon… slummon…Swanson?
Lockhart: Look on the briefcase, maybe it’s on there…
Harry: Ah! Samsonite! Ha! I was way off!
Harry: It’s the Witch… she’s followed us here!
Lockhart: ‘Suh-suh-suh-Surrender Dorothy‘?
Myrtle: ‘Dorothy’, who’s ‘Dorothy’?
Ron: Dumbledore’ll explain it!
Lockhart: To Dumbledore!
Harry: Whatever shall we do?!
Lockhart: Well, we’d better hurry if we wanna see Dumbledore!
*They run off*