Week of February 22, 2004
Fat Lady: Red light, green light, 1-2-3!
*Students run, then freeze*
Fat Lady: Harry, you moved – go back!
Harry: No fair! That’s not even the way you play! You have to turn around and say ‘red light, green light’, then see who moved at the count of three!
Fat Lady: *Grins* Life just isn’t fair… you know?
Fat Lady: Password?
Fat Lady: May I take your order?
Harry: Yeah, I’d like a cheeseburger, and – wait a minute!
Percy: ‘Speak friend and enter’? What kind of password is that?
Percy: Dang it, I forgot the password…
Fat Lady: Well that’s too bad, but I do have some good news…
Percy: You’ll let us in without the password?
Fat Lady: No – I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!
Fat Lady: Are you sure you like the pink dress? I can go back and show you how the blue one looks again?
Ron: The pink one is great! Can we get in now?
‘Last one in has to give the Fat Lady a sponge bath!’
*Students dash in*
Percy: I better inform Dumbledore – the Mirror of Erised is malfunctioning!
Ron: Sure, Percy, ‘Malfunctioning‘…
Percy: Open Sesame.
Harry: But – isn’t that a tad obvious?
Fat Lady: Oh, come on! I’ve been doing this for centuries, how much Latin gibberish am I expected to think up?!
Percy: ‘pig skin’.
Fat Lady: That is correct, but wait – am I in a good camera view Chris? Does my hair shine? Do birds sing when they see me?
Chris: Sure… – action!
Ron: Percy, we haven’t started Maniacal March yet…
Ron: I don’t think it’s time yet for your head to look like Mickey Mouse’s…
Boy in Front: Uh…. Open Sesame… Alohomora… Pig zits… Wonder-bread… Pork Radish! Okay, just open up already!
Jack Sparrow: *Casually walks up to the boy* You can keep doing that forever, the portrait is never going to move.
Boy: Oh, well excuse us if we haven’t resigned ourselves to the dungeons just yet!
Harry: How come only half the hall is lit? Can’t Dumbledore afford to light the whole place?
Ron: *Gasp* Hermione’s been making him pay the house-elves – there’s no money for electricity!
Hermione: How many times do I have to tell you? Electricity and all that can’t be used in Hogwarts!
*Lights flicker off*
Ron: Um, if she starts singing, does that mean the term is over?
Percy: Shut up, Ron, she’s the Pink Lady, not the Fat Lady…
Percy: Caput Draconis!
Fat Lady: Gesundheit!
Fat Lady: *Panicked* Is it true what I heard? My portrait gets slashed by an escaped convict in two years?!
Harry: Yeah, but don’t worry… the guy who does it gets his comeuppance two years later.
Harry: But… what happened to the Mona Lisa?
Fat Lady: Eric fed me bad captions for a year…
Ron: What’s holding up the line?
Percy: …and then, I turned 8, and my life changed forever. I had read the whole ‘So You Wanna Be a Boring Old Fart When You Grow Up?’ book series. I now had started a book series of my own, but Fred and George burnt it just before it was completed and I gave up. Well, Ron was four and Ginny was three, and I had so many siblings I could have died. Then a pony came to me in a dream, and I met Kimberly the Magic Flying Oyster…
JKR: Hehe… I can keep this going for hours…
Percy: …and, as I always say: If it’s not Baroque, don’t fix it!
Harry: *Grumbles* Be glad it’s not your neck…
Percy: And this, First Years, is what happened to Molly Ringwald after that Muggle movie…
Fat Lady: Ha, ha, ha, very funny. But, you must admit, I am pretty in pink. Stop sniggering, you, the girl in front!
Hermione: *Rolls over in fits of laughter*
Ron: I hate it when someone makes an obscure Muggle pop culture joke…
Harry: Mirror, mirror on the wall, show me the girl for whom I will fall!
Fat Lady: *Voldemort’s voice* ‘Hello! This is the residence of Lord Voldemort, a.k.a You-Know-Who. I am not home at the moment, so please leave your name, address and owl, and I’ll kill you soon. Goodbye!’
Percy: Let us in, Miss Fat Lady…
Fat Lady: What’s the magic word?
Percy: Er… alohomora?
Fat Lady: No, not that magic word.
Percy: accio common room, riddikulus, lumos?!
Fat Lady: Nope.
Percy: Dah, that’s it! If we can’t go around you, we’ll go through you! *Runs*
Ron: Percy’s been watching too much Looney Tunes…