Week of February 29, 2004
Harry: Sirius, is that you?!
Hermione: Harry… it can’t be…
Harry: But, he looks a little like him, right?
Ron: Err… not really, mate. The only way that can be Sirius is if the veil transported him to Jamaica, and then, for some strange reason, I’m inclined to say ‘Singapore’…
Jack: Wow, cool, a castle! – Oh my God, I left the oven on at home! It’s going to burn all the RUM! *Runs away*
Ron: *Looking out the window* Stupid Muggle, fell subject to that repelling charm…
Harry: Works every time…
Elizabeth: That’s it, then? That’s the secret, grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow – you spent three days lying by the lake at Hogwarts drinking firewhiskey?!
Jack: Welcome to the Wizarding World, love…
Dumbledore: And this, everyone, is one of Lord Voldemort’s attempts to look evil!
Harry: *Mutters to Ron* I could look that evil if I spent three hours drinking in a bar…
Depp: Those black rattling things are real, aren’t they…?
Alfonso: *Not making eye contact* Of course not…
Depp: What happened to Gary then?
Alfonso: Uh, um…. He got off sick, yes? Yes, that’ll do. Action!
Depp: I’m so unhappy… I need a hug…
Jack Sparrow: Okay, what in the world am I doing on the Harry Potter set?
Hogwarts Girls: *Laughing*
Hermione: I meant to conjure up a sparrow, not Jack Sparrow!
Jack: This doesn’t look like Isla de Muerta!
Will: *To Mr. Gibbs* I knew we should’ve used a compass that pointed north!
Jack: Today is the day you will always remember as the day Captain Jack Sparro – *looks down at leg*
Giant Squid: *Pulls him across the ground and into the lake*
Jack: Where am I?
Harry: Will said you fell behind and the pirates decided to keep to the code…
Jack: But… where’s Will?
Harry: Oh, he’s down in the kitchens, cooking breakfast with the other elves…
When Barbosa told Jack Sparrow he was going to be abandoned on some ‘God-forsaken Island’, Jack hadn’t really expected it to be Scotland…
Johnny: This is where they put me for the new movie? I have to share a screen with Tom Felton? Poor guy doesn’t stand a chance… *3 girls faint*
—Back at the Castle—
Tom: This is where they’re shooting the new PotC movie? I don’t seriously have to act with him, do I? Poor guy doesn’t have a chance… *Slicks back hair and pouts when only one girl faints*
‘We’ve found a better island to leave you on this time, Jack! This one has no rum, no beautiful women, and is rampant with angst-ridden teenagers learning how to do magic!’
‘They didn’t have to kick me out of their stupid castle just because I wasn’t following ‘the rules’… Besides, I thought they were more or less guidelines, not ‘rules’…
Parvati: ‘Wait a minute… if Johnny Depp is here then that means Orlando Bloom must be here too!’ *Screams, running around in circles*
Jack: *Finds himself at the big ending of PoA* Oh dear God… *Hides behind a bush* Urgh, a worm! Bah, leave me alone… I wasn’t expecting this. I was expecting a patron! Expecting a patron! *Stands up and yells* EXPECTING A PATRON!
Harry: *Looks up, sees familiar-looking man* expecto patronum… dad?!
Jack: They’re stealing my ship!
Ron: Bloody Durmstrang students!
‘She’s safe, just as I promised… she’s all set to marry Ron just as she promised, and you’re going to be murdered by Voldemort for her just as you promised. So we’re all men of our word, really, except for Hermione who is, in fact, a woman.
Madam Hooch: I’m sorry, but magnetic objects are not allowed on the Quidditch pitch…
As it turns out, Johnny Depp did go to Hogwarts…
Johnny: Now, where’s that Win-an-Academy-Award-for-Best-Actor Spell?
Reporter: ‘Sirius Black has been spotted near Hogwarts. His new look includes a red bandana, beaded hair, and a tan. He may also be using the alias Jack Sparrow.’
Jack: That’s ‘Captain’!
Hermione: Accio Johnny Depp!
Ginny: It works! Do Tom Cruise next!
‘I’ve found the last piece of Aztec gold! Oh, no, wait… that’s a snitch…’
Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Curse of the Lightning-Bolt Scar
JKR: ‘…and then a man named Jack Sparrow -‘
JKR: ‘…and then a man named Captain Jack Sparrow -‘
Disney: Copyright infringement, Ms. Rowling!
Ron and Hermione: Up! Up! Up!
Jack: You can keep doing that all day if you want, lad, those brooms are never gonna move…
Ron: UP! *Thwack* Ow! Shut up, Jack…
Jack Sparrow: Oh my – is it? It is! You’re Harry Potter!
Harry: *Sigh* Yes, I’m Harry Potter… the Boy Who Lived Not Once, But Five Times…
Little Girl in Background: 1st when he was a baby, 2nd when he saved the Stone, 3rd when he fought the Basilisk, 4th at the Triwizard Tournament, and 5th in the Department of Mysteries! I’m his biggest fan! *All in one breath*
Jack: I hate PG movies! There’s no rum!
Harry: No kidding – I have to read fanfics in order to read anything juicy about my life!
‘Sure, I can be the new Potions teacher! I can combine liquids together and make powerful concoctions! Like, uh, using the powerful potion ingredient ‘rum’! I could mix rum with gin, rum with coke, rum with… I could make anything! I could make Corkscrews, Bacardi Cocktails, Crusty Creoles, Pina Coladas, Pineapple Fuzzes, Pink Flamingoes, Bermuda Triangles, Firefighter’s Sours, Black Devil Fog Blowers, Rain Mans, Blue Hawaiians, Gorilla Milks…
‘What the – Where am I? Jeannie!‘
Johnny Depp: Wha-hey! How did I get here? Last thing I remember I was at the Oscars watching Sean Penn get Best Actor…
Bill Murray: *Walks up with a sandwich* Didn’t you know? They send all the Academy Award losers to Hogwarts…
—-Continuation to Victoria’s Caption—-
Depp: Y’know, maybe they think we have more time on our hands now that we didn’t win the Oscar, and we’ll want to try out for the new DADA position…
Murray: Here comes Dumbledore, let’s ask him…
Dumbledore: Hello, my very-talented actor friends! As you suspected, I have positions for both of you if you aren’t too busy!
Murray: You mean you’re going to employ two DADA teachers?
Dumbledore: Heaven’s no, Mr. Murray! Mr. Depp here is going to be our DADA teacher, but you‘re going to be the new Crookshanks!
Murray: Er… but – you have a Crookshanks! I’ve seen the PoA trailer! Darn it! I knew agreeing to do the Garfield movie would gain me more unwanted attention and once again keep me from an Oscar!
Johnny: What? Where am I?
Mike Newell: You’re at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
Johnny: ‘Hogwarts’? Why am I at Hogwarts?
Mike Newell: The only way you’re gonna get an Oscar is if you star in an HP film – so stop asking questions and go help Hagrid breed some Nargles!
Depp: ‘So that’s why Sean Penn gave me that Oscar before the show – it was a portkey! That way, when they call me up there to win, I won’t be present so they’ll have to give it to him instead!’
Jack Sparrow: ‘Erm, I’m at Hogwarts… this isn’t good… this is worse than the time Barbosa and m’lads went to see Kill Bill…’