Week of March 14, 2004
Little did Aragorn and Legolas know that the Mirror of Erised was on loan at the International Museum of Magical Mirrors. In its place was the Mirror of Doof.
Legolas: Apparently, freedom for my kin and the races of men and dwarves is not my dearest and most heartfelt desire… it seems that all I really want is a sandwich…
Aragorn: I find my heart is likewise stricken; I see nothing more than a cake. Perhaps there is something wrong with this mirror?
Merry and Pippin: *Off screen* The mirror is working fine from where we are!
Aragorn: It…it’s Arwen! What is this thing?
Legolas: According to the writing, as we elves are able to do anything, it’s a mirror that shows your deepest desire.
Aragorn: Wow… Arwen… *sigh*
Legolas: *Does a double-take*
Aragorn: I see myself standing in front of a throne and wearing a crown… what do you see?
Legolas: My hair… it’s short… and how did I get it to be that color – that shape? I’ve never seen anything like it… it’s so beautiful… I’m so handsome… I – I mean, I’m killing thousands of Uruk-Hai with only my bare hands!
Aragorn: …Right… *edges away from Legolas slightly*
Legolas: Aragorn, it shows that the Sorcerer’s Stone is in your boxers!
Aragorn: Actually, it appears that it’s under Arwen’s pillow…
Legolas: Would you look at this mirror, Aragorn? It’s… me… without any fan girls ogling me!
Aragorn: I see myself being crowned by Gandalf.
Legolas: Move over then and let me see… *silence* hmm…
Aragorn: Let me have another go… *Steps in front of the mirror* …Do you think this mirror shows the future?
Legolas: How can it – I’m already a woman!
Aragorn: So that’s what my hair looks like without grease…
Legolas: What do you mean? Can’t you plainly see that I’m finally Mr. Middle-Earth?
Legolas: ‘llameht fot seria feht sioh wllawe htnor orim rorrim? What the heck is that supposed to mean?’
Seconds later, Sirius Black falls through the archway knocking Aragorn over.
Legolas: But… isn’t this the Mirror of Erised?
Sirius: Oh, don’t ask me… the whole thought of me dying from falling through a veil is stupid enough, so why not appear in the middle of Hogwarts with two stars from a completely different film?
Aragorn and Legolas grew bitter when the magic mirror revealed that it was in fact Professor Dumbledore who had the best hair and who would become the new Pantene Pro-V spokesperson.
The sign above the threshold:
Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please deposit all deadly weapons, magical cloaks, and evil jewelry at the gate, and refrain from falling into crossover plot holes which rabid fan-girl writers may use to manhandle their objects of desire. Enjoy your stay!
‘Told you we should’ve taken a left at Albuquerque…’
Orlando: Viggo, where are we?
Viggo: A strange place, where they say a dark terror lives, or many of them…
Orlando: Well, where is it?
Girls: *Screaming* Orli!!!
Viggo and Orlando: Aaah! Fans!
Aragorn (Harry): ‘I think I know what Hermione wished for on her birthday…’
Aragorn: Well, Dumbledore did specifically say in Book One that the happiest man could look into the mirror and see only himself…
Legolas: But Aragorn, we’re not even reflected there! It’s just empty!
Yoda: Clouded, your future is…
Aragorn: Hey, no fair! You’re from last week’s caption!
Legolas: Yeah, let LotR have its own glory!
*Both peering into the mirror*
Aragorn: He is passing into the Shadow. He’ll soon become a wraith like them…
Legolas: We cannot linger.
Aragorn: Alright then, let’s just find your cousin Dobby and get out of here…
Legolas: I said he was an elf, I didn’t say we were related!
Aragorn: Uh… where are we?
Legolas: You just had to touch it – why do you always have to touch it?!
How the Stone really got destroyed:
Legolas: Hey, I got the magical treasure out of the mirror…
*They both look at the stone*
Aragorn: That’s it? I was hoping for a brand new sword or something… let’s go…
Gollum: Hmm… it seems the nasty men left us rock candy!
Legolas: Darn… I knew I shouldn’t have worn tangerine orange robes to the audition…
Aragorn: Well, at least you’ve got a manly bow – the producer tried to hit on me…
Legolas: Er… Aragorn?
Legolas: …What if your heart’s desire was to find out what your heart’s desire was, and by looking in the mirror you just see yourself looking in the mirror?
Legolas: …and it looks like cloudy skies over Middle-Earth for the duration of this Caption Week… Possibly a chance of snow… Now over to Aragorn with ‘Sports’…
Aragorn: Erm… well it would seem that we can add yet another item to the list of accomplishments for the Elven race in this series – apart from willingly resorting to self-mutilation and often causing those which they love most to experience multiple near-death experiences, they can now predict the weather using a dirty old mirror…