Week of March 21, 2004
Uncle Vernon: It’s one-eyed, one-horned…
Aunt Petunia: Aah! It’s a flying purple people eater!
Vernon: ‘Transfigurasius Dudleyius Dinosaurius? What sort of gibberish is that?‘
Petunia: Oh, Duddeykins! You’re definitely going to win the costume ball in that outfit!
Dudley: …What outfit?
Hagrid: Er, uh… sorry about yer boy, Mr. Dursley… I… I only wanted ter put a piggy tail on’im…
Dudley: I love you, you love me; we’re a happy family!
Uncle Vernon: Well, at least he isn’t a Teletubbie…
Ron: *Gives a blood-curdling scream*
Harry: What? What is it?
Ron: Don’t look, Harry – it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen!
Harry: But I’ve already seen the dinosaur…
Ron: Dinosaur? I was talking about your aunt and uncle in their underwear! *Shudders*
Vernon: Are you sure this is where Marge wanted to meet us?
Petunia: That’s what Harry said… and I can smell her perfume too – Eux de Lizard Breath.
Alfonso’s original vision for PoA: Harry doesn’t inflate Aunt Marge – he turns her into a rampaging T-Rex. Although JKR nixed the idea, Alfonso’s idea of Marge as a man-eating dinosaur is actually quite accurate and the clip will show in the DVD Bonus Materials.
Dinosaur: It’s just a step to the left, and then a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips, then tuck your knees in tight!
Uncle Vernon: How did we wind up in Transylvania?
Little did Vernon and Petunia know that the Dinosaur Crunch cereal they’d bought at the supermarket was… special…
Unfortunately, at the start of June, it emerged that the old rumors of Steven Spielberg directing a Harry Potter movie were in fact true…
*STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!*
Vernon and Petunia: Aah! *Turn and mumble, terrified*
T-Rex: *Stomps up to them, stops, and lowers his head to eye level* Pardon me, but would you happen to have any Grey Poupon?
Vernon: Oh, don’t mind that, it’s just the cat.
Petunia: Uh, Vernon? We don’t… have… a cat…
*They both exchange worried looks*
-Bella and Anna
Oh, great. As if we didn’t already have enough problems on our hands dealing with the Christian fundamentalists complaining that Harry Potter promotes witchcraft and Satanism; now they’ll be complaining that Harry Potter is evil because it endorses evolution!
Vernon: ‘Well, Marge, Ripper’s had a few square meals…’
Dinosaur: ‘Honey, come quick! There are humans in our yard!’
T-Rex: *Thinking* Yumm…foood…
Uncle Vernon: *Thinking* Yumm…foood…
J.K. Rowling’s early planning stage for Book One…
JKR: Hmm… *chewing on a sugar quill* Alright… so then the Dursleys are forced to take Harry with them to Jurassic Park and when Dudley makes Harry angry, Harry accidentally makes the high-voltage fence disappear and…
Vernon: Umm, Ms. Rowling? You don’t suppose we could do this at some place… less dangerous… like the zoo with an escaped python?
Rowling: Hey, who’s writing this story – you or me?!
Petunia: Don’t eat me! He’s fatter and I’m sure he tastes better! If… if you want I’ll even help prepare him!
Voiceover: Millions of years ago, before the time of man, dinosaurs roamed the earth. There were many fierce dinosaurs, but none so fierce as the Vernonsaurus or the Petuniadactyle.
*Welcome to the Famous Witches and Wizards slideshow for Muggle families with magical children*
Mr. Weasley: Oh, and this slide, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, is Madame Maxime, head of Beauxbatons Academy of Magic, walking in one of the many gardens in her school…
Vernon: Um, I think Dudley’s ‘Jurassic Park’ slide was in there before you turned the machine on…
Mr. Weasley: Oh! His autobiography! How fascinating!
Petunia: ‘Told you we should’ve taken a left at Albuquerque…’
They could not find him in a boat,
They could not find him with a goat.
They could not find him in a train,
They could not find him in the rain.
They could not find him in a pan,
They could not find the camera man!
Dursleys, meet the Dursleys – they’re a stupid Muggle family,
From a place called Surrey, they’re about to be eaten with glee…