Week of April 11, 2004
Harry: Ready, Ginny? Roll over and play dead!
Ginny: *Rolls over*
Harry: Good girl!
Tom: Do you want a treat? No? Perhaps a scratch behind the ears?
Harry: Tom, give me my wand back!
Tom: You won’t be needing it; now let’s duel!
Harry: But, you said I wouldn’t be needing my wand!
Harry: Poke it – see if it’s alive…
Tom: No, how about you poke it?
Harry: No, you poke it!
Tom: No, you…
Harry: Ginny! WHAT HAPPENED?
Tom: She slipped… *shifts eyes nervously*
Tom: ‘Poor girl… if only she knew they drained the pool last night due to that grindylow infestation…
Tom: Chicks really did my new cologne!
Harry: *Mutters* Yeah, they’re falling all over you…
‘Oh my God, they killed Ginny!’
Tom: And when the penguin hits the bucket of water it will hit the tap, which will slowly fill the room up with water, killing this stupid little girl!
Harry: You really put a lot of thought into this overly-elaborate scheme, didn’t you, Voldemort?
Tom: I try…
Harry: What did you do to her?!
Tom: Nothing… I simply told her you were coming to rescue her, and she went bright red and kind of fainted…
Tom: Soon I shall resume my solid form, and Ginny Weasley will be dead, and I can take over the world!
Harry: Big words coming from a ‘Vomited Armor Doll!’
Tom: Hey! It’s not my fault I’m lysdexic!
Harry: Ginny, Ginny, please wake up!
Riddle: She won’t wake up…
Ginny: *Thinking* Harry, you idiot! Hurry up and kiss me so I could wake up!
Harry: What did you do to her, you -
Tom: Hey, it wasn’t me, honestly! She just watched that news scroller thingy go by and… I guess Eric was right – it can get too fast!
At first, no one minded the raven tap-tap-tapping at the chamber door. It added a definite classy air of Poe, at first. But then the raven went all Hitchcock, breaking into the chamber and bringing with it nothing but death, death, and more death!
Harry: ‘Tom, that was really mean, assigning me to life guard duty when you knew I couldn’t swim and flunked CPR!’
Harry: Ginny, don’t listen to that guy – look at him, he still writes in his diary!
Tom: Hey, Harry, it’s a journal – and you know it.
Harry: Right, a journal, okay, but you’re wearing a dress!
Tom: No, it’s a robe!
Harry: Do you think she’s asleep?
Tom: *Sarcastically* Of course! I mean look at her – she’s barely breathing, she’s extraordinarily pale, and she isn’t moving!
Harry: Yeah, she’s just gotta be asleep. After coming all this way to rescue her, you’d think she’d at least be ready to leave!
Harry: What’s Ginny doing here?
Tom: She just had a seizure a few minutes ago…
Ginny: Cheese… crackers…
‘Remember this, Harry: A friend will help you move, but a good friend will help you move a body.’
‘Potter, though this Chamber, much like yourself, is undoubtedly dim, can’t you clearly see that this is the same stick dislodged from your Potion Master’s posterior?
Tom: ‘All right, Harry, the rules are simple: we both pull on her, and the person who can get her belly button across the line wins!’
Harry: Noo! Ginny! Wake up! Please wake up!
Tom: She won’t wake, she’s simply dea-
Ginny: Hiya, Harry!
Tom: What the? *faints*
Harry: Give me my wand, Tom…
Tom: What do you think you’re going to need a wand for, lightning head?! You’re going to be attacked by a giant snake that kills you with its stare. What are you going to do, Bippity-Boppity-Boo yourself out of here? I don’t think so!
Harry: C’mon, Ginny, hurry up! We need to get you out of here!
Ginny: *Moans and rolls over* Just five more minutes, please…
Harry: Oh no! Not another one!
Tom: Yeah – some Gryffindors just can’t hold their liquor…
*Tom and Harry stumble upon Ginny’s newfound sleeping spot*
Harry: Hmm… well I guess we can’t shoot the final scene with her in the way… what to do now…
Tom: I’ve got an idea – let’s take two pots, filling one with hot water and one with cold. Then, when she wakes up… -
Harry: -They really don’t call you the evil Dark Lord for nothing, do they?!
Harry: Oh no, Ginny just fainted!
Tom: Hey, come to think of it, I’ve been feeling strange lately too… like I’m not 100% 3d or something…
Harry: Oh no – I’ve been hearing voices lately also! One of us could be the next one to drop!
Tom: Well, I guess that’s what we get for trusting the stability of the school’s Jell-O…
Ginny: eergh… *faints*
Tom: Eh, heheh… heh.
Harry: HEY! *runs up to Salazar, banging on the statue with all his might* Say ‘excuse me’!
Harry: What should we do?
Tom: I’m not sure… I called twenty minutes ago!
Harry: Wait, called? Called whom? Who can you call when a damsel in distress is unconscious lying on the floor of a very wet and leaky room with broken pipes in a school with ghosts all around? Ghostbusters?
Tom: No, Harry, the Mario Brothers!
Tom: No, not again! When will Ginny learn that the Chamber of Secrets isn’t her own private sleeping quarters?!
Harry: The day you stop putting her to sleep with your cheesy magical alphabet soup tricks!
Tom: You see, Harry, as Ginny grows weaker, I grow stronger.
Harry: Yeah, but see, what I don’t get is, why is her leg gone?
Tom: Oh – well, we were both practicing our somersaults earlier, and she accidentally rolled into the statue of invisible ink. It’s still there and all, it’s just temporarily invisible.
Harry: Wa-wai-wa-wait… you two were both – what?
Tom: Practicing somersaults – why, what’s so funny?
Harry: *Snickers* Grow as strong as you want off of Ginny, Tom, but a more solid character you’ll never be!
Harry: I know I traded my Pikachu and Charmander for your Squirtle and all, but when did Jigglypuff get out?!
Tom: I’m not sure, all I know is that she must’ve gotten hungry…
Harry: How so?
Tom: Ginny’s leg is missing…
Tom: Suddenly I don’t think that draining the life force from Ginny was a good idea after all…
Harry: What? I mean – not that I want you to, but why not? It brings you to life, doesn’t it? So you can destroy me and rekindle the flames that your old self left weakening?
Tom: Yeah – maybe, but – I dunno… for some reason I’ve got the most powerful urge to kiss you.