Week of April 25, 2004
Man: Do you like… popsicles? I’ve got some popsicles upstairs…
Old Man: Where is he? What have you done with him?!
Harry: Erm, I’m sorry… who?
Old Man: ‘Who’? ‘Who’?! You know ‘who’!
Harry: *Stares blankly* …Voldemort? Well I fought him back at Hogwarts last year and I –
Old Man: Noo! Where is Waldo?!
Man: Excuse me – could you spare some change, some liquor, and a light?
Man: *Pokes Harry*
Harry: Ouch – what was that for?
Man: *Shouts to others* Yep, this is the real Harry Potter!
‘Hi, sonny, would you like to join the Dark Forces of Voldemort? We have a nice dental plan…’
Tall Bearded Guy with Hat: ‘You know, Mr. Potter, I’m willing to bet that if you pulled your trousers up just a tad bit more, you could wedge them in your armpits and never need a belt again in your life! And if you put on a larger shirt…’
Man: Harry Potter, what an honor to finally meet you!
Harry: Hey, you’re the guy who bowed to me in the supermarket once!
Man: He remembers me! Can you believe it?
Harry: Yes – you were also the one who was peeking in my living room and bathroom windows… and the one hiding in the bushes in the morning!
Man: Umm, nonono – that was my evil twin brother!
Harry: Yeah, that’s what the guy who waved to me from across the street said…
Wizard: Harry Potter, so glad to meet you!
Harry: Hey, aren’t you the guy on that Guns N’ Roses album?
Old Man: You’ve… got to pick a pock-et or two…
Harry: Where do I sign?
Drunken Man: In a small little house all covered with vines, lived twelve little girls in two straight lines. They broke their bed, brushed their teeth and went to bed. And the smallest one was ‘Madeline’…
Harry: – That’s great and all, but I just wanted to know where the bathroom was…
Guy: I think you’re Harry Potter!
Harry: I think you‘re crazy!
Creepy Guy: Are you The Boy Who Asked for More?!
Harry: No, I’m the Boy Who Lived – Oliver is a different story.
Old Guy: Harry! There’s no time – listen – I’ve come from the future to tell you how the 7th Book ends!
Harry: The ‘7th Book’?
Old Guy: Yes! I’ve got to tell you before it’s too late – the book will be called Harry Potter and the –
JKR: That‘s him, boys!
*An MoM squad of hit-wizards grabs the old man and takes him away screaming*
JKR: It’s okay, Harry – let me show you how a Memory Charm works…
Man: Hello, fine sir, I am here representing the Department of Magical Creatures. The gnomes are roaming the magical lands homeless, eating trash out of other people’s homes – it’s very tragic. Would you please sign our petition to give the gnomes some nice warm socks?
Harry: Uh, sure…
Harry: Excuse me, sir, but I’m looking for a Christmas present for a friend of mine, Arthur Weasley – perhaps you know him? Anyway, he collects funny hats – how much do you want for yours?
Man: Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but notice how abnormally high your belt is…
Harry: Oh yeah? Well at least I’m wearing pants!
Wizard: Not lost, are you, my dear?
Harry: I was just looking for Gringotts. I’m trying to find a lollipop.
Witch: Gringotts doesn’t have lollipops, try Flourish and Blotts.
Man: Hey, you’re Harry Potter, right? Do you really have that scar?!
Harry: No, but I do have a breath mint, and you can have it!
‘Grandpa Granger at your service…’
Hagrid: Oh, hiya, professor, didn’ seeya thar! Harry, this is professor Quirrell… he’s your new Defense Ag-
Old Man: Eh? Whassat me boy? *Confused*
Quirrell: *Steps forward* No no, Hagrid! That’s just a weak old man, I am professor Quirrell! *Looks to Harry* I’ll be your Defense Against the – I mean – D-defe-fence against the D-d-dark arts teacher this year.
Harry: Er, hi, professor Quirrell…
Quirrell: Yes – so g-g-good I saw you – Hagrid’s so hung-over he probably could’ve introduced you to Lord V-v-Voldemort h-h-himself and told you he was me!
Hagrid: *Blushes* Sorry…
This photograph and the man in the background is proof – sheer evidence pointing to the real reason for Harry Potter. It wasn’t written to entertain; it wasn’t written for eight-year-olds everywhere to have a comfortable fluffy Hagrid stuffed animal to sleep next to. This novel was made, simply in a more unusual way than other novels, to further test Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity! Mysteriously, he has returned from the dead to oversee its progress.