Week of May 2, 2004
Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other peoples’ business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git!
McGonagall: *Clears throat*
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape a good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball!
Snape: I’m sick of these Marauders’ Murals!
Minerva: Well, it seems that an anonymous person has written a question, in blood, asking what exactly is considered funny enough to win MuggleNet’s Caption Contest.
Snape: Well, what is?
The Hogwarts staff were stunned by the presents they received from Santa.
Snape: Those must’ve been some cookies you left Santa!
McGonagall: I didn’t leave him cookies, I left him cheese?
Aahh, the power of cheese…
McGonagall: ‘Her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever’…
Madam Pomfrey: Who is it they’ve taken, Minerva?
McGonagall: Ginny Weasley…
Snape: Wait… how do you know – I mean, how do you really know?
McGonagall: …Hey, I’m just reading lines here!
The professors stared in horror as they watched an intruder chase Harry through the halls.
Creepy Old Guy: *Yelling* You know you want that Popsicle!
Snape: *Thinking* Is my hair starting to… curl? *Gasp* Finally!
Filch: *In the background* ‘And I tolds them not to let the house-elves near the good brandy, but does anyone listen?’
Tune in next week for another riveting caption: Will Snape fix his hair? Will we see more of Madam Pomfrey’s leg? Will McGonagall get to see what’s behind door #2? Will any of these question’s be answered? Most likely not…
Snape: I daresay! This is a bit of a sticky wiggit!
McGonagall: No idea what he just said…?
Madam Pomfrey: To Saint Mungo’s!
A moment in the thoughts of Severus Snape:
Did I remember to put my underwear on?
Why are we in this hall? This is from the Wizard of Oz, not Hogwarts…
What is that on Madam Pomfrey’s chest? Not that I was looking there – okay, I was – but what is that?
Why is my hair greasy and sticking together? I thought it stated clearly in my contract that my hair can either be greasy or sticky – not both! I wonder who did McGonagall’s hat… I must get the name.
Snape: Weasley?! Granger?!
Ron: Erm, hi… *Blushes and does up shirt*
Hermione: Erm, we were just holding a meeting for S.P.E.W…
Ron: Yeah, spew.
Hermione: How many times, Ron – it’s S.P.E.W.!
Snape: Oh yeah? Well what does it stand for, then, Specially Pleasured Egocentric Witches?!
Ron: *Mutters* Yeah, I’ll say…
Minerva: Oh my gosh, Poppy! Look at her teeth! Must be Harry Potter’s girlfriend…
Harry: *Jumps out, singing* I like big teeth and I cannot lie…
McGonagall: Apparently Eric just got his permit and, well, it seems he just ran over Mrs. Norris…
Snape: What a shame… I’m sure it was an accident though… *cough*
Filch: My cat… my beautiful cat. I will get revenge, you, Wiggle Puppy, you! I will get even!
McGonagall: Oh my gosh, it’s Lavender and Parvati… dead!
Madam Pomfrey: *Gasp*
Snape: So… how about them Red Sox?
Strange Mysterious Voice: Only in America – can a conversation go from two dead girls, to the Red Sox…
Producer: The sheet said the film was in the UK, not the US, moron…
Coming out in June 2004, Harry Potter and the Missing MuggleNet Captions. How did Yahoo delete all those entries? Will people remember their lost captions? Is this all just a big conspiracy that the US Government started in the 1950’s to cover up secret dealings with a fugitive alien race?! All this and more will be answered in HPatMNC…
McGonagall: Somebody’s been writing on the wall in blood!
Snape: Uh… wrong day to eat at Taco Bell, I guess…
McGonagall: I can’t get this door to unlock…
Mme Pomfrey: Have you used Alohomora?
Snape: That only works in the movies…
Madam Pomfrey: ‘If I would have only known it was Wear-all-Black Thursday, Minerva, why didn’t you tell me?! I can’t go out there like this!
Mme Pomfrey: Ooh, it’s Lockhart, shall I curtsy?
Snape: No, you dimwit! Can’t you see he’s smeared all over the wall?! Filch, get the spatula!
McGonagall: I really don’t think a spatula will do the job…. Let’s curtsy instead!
Snape: …and as you look to the right you’ll see a cavernous, desolate pit. We try to keep the students out, but you can only tell them so many times, you know?
BBC Newsroom: Our top story – all staff, faculty, and students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were shocked today and Professor Minerva McGonagall was, for the first time, speechless. Experts say the surprising event was caused by a student when the professor told him he was late, and the student said in reply, ‘I know you are – but what am I?’
Mme Pomfrey: Oh my – Minerva, what is this?
McGonagall: I… I can’t believe…
Flitwick: *Squeak* Oh my! Someone wrote…
Snape: ‘Eat at Joe’s’?!
Lockhart: *Laying on a hammock suspended between two torches* zZz…zz.Z.z
Flitwick: Should we… wake him? And let him know he’s about to catch fire?
All Together: Naaaah… *They walk off*
Educational Decree #117
By order of The Ministry of Magic, Dolores Umbridge is hereby granted permission to grant permission to grant permission to grant permission to make more educational decrees until it is decided that enough educational decrees have been made, in which case she is granted permission to grant permission to another to make more educational decrees…
Snape: The redundancy of it all!
Pomfrey: Why, I never thought I’d see the day…
McGonagall: Somebody graffiti’d on ‘What is Graffiti?’?!
The Teachers: Follow the spiders, follow the spiders…
Pomfrey: Why are we following the spiders anyway? It’s been hours…
McGonagall: Because Albus sincerely asked us to.
Filch: An’ we always do what Dumbledore says…
Snape: Excuse me – *stopped at the wall* They seem to have reached the end of their journey…
Flitwick: Ooh, where’d they lead us?!
Snape: S…somebody laid down spider traps… and, now, they’re all… dead…
Filch: …Well that was pointless…