Week of June 13, 2004
Trelawney: No, definitely, my child, you do not possess the view. But, maybe you could do well on my bowling team…
Trelawney: ‘Tickle tickle, tickle tickle!’
‘No, Professor, I wanted you to help get the splinter out, not tell me the foreboding significance of it being on my lifeline…’
Trelawney: No… no! It is too horrible to utter what you have etched into your hand!
Hermione: Let me guess – the Grim…
Trelawney: No, but it signifies the… the Clogged Artery! *Reveals a McDonalds Super Size Meal*
‘Please! I beg of you on bended knee – you must tell me how you tame your hair!’
Trelawney: I see… I see… Harry, please give me your hand, dear – her future is boring…
Trelawney: Ahh, Miss Granger, I see horrible, devastating things in your future!
Hermione: Yeah, but can you see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?!
Trelawney: Ah, yes, I see… In the future you will use a time travel device to save a… is that… a hippogriff? And, oh my! You use that hippogriff to save – is that Professor Snape? No – it’s Sirius Black!
Ron: Come on! Who would believe that?
Trelawney: ‘Oh, dear me, I see arthritis in your future… too much time spent writing those homework assignments…’
Trelawney: What fine hands you have, my dear…
Hermione: All the better to grab my bag with, throw your crystal ball across the room with, and storm out of here showing tremendous girl power with! *Storms out*
Trelawney: I lied… she has terrible hands…
Sybill: I’m told you have extraordinary fashion sense, my dear. I think that remains to be seen, however I do see you’re wearing a charming necklace which maybe I could… borrow perhaps? Just relax… come on now… does this tickle? Look deep into my eyes… and repeat after me, ‘double, double, toil and trouble; give Sybill the pretty bauble’…
Trelawney: This little finger went to Hogwarts, this little finger stayed home. This little finger had pumpkin juice, this little finger had none. And this little finger -
Hermione: -That’s enough! *storms out*
Trelawney: How does that feel?
Hermione: Well, to tell the truth, I liked the train hand massages better…
Prof. Trelawney: I’m sorry, m’dear; it looks like marrying Prince William will not be in your future…
Hermione: Humph! I hate this! Bunch of rubbish this is!
Trelawney: There’s something in your ear.
Hermione: …And my hand told you this?
Trelawney: Ooh, I see darkness… a bluish darkness covering your lifeline… what could this mean!
Hermione: …That I spilt a drop of ink on my hand?
Trelawney: I knew that…
Trelawney: In your future, I see you being very rich. Here is your large estate; there is your mansion, and look! *Spits into Hermione’s hand* There is your swimming pool!
Trelawney: I predict that you will be leaving us soon.
Hermione: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6…
Hermione: What is it – the Grim?!
Trelawney: No! It’s the George Bush Supporters’ mark!
Harry: No! I trusted you!
Ron: I can’t believe it!
Voice in the Background: I’m John Kerry and I approve this caption.
Recruiting new members for the Perpetually-Permed Hair Club.
—-The Reality of Time Travel—-
Trelawney: Oh, heavens no!
Hermione: *Sighing* What is it?
Trelawney: Your… your hands, my dear!
Hermione: *Slightly caring* What about them?
Trelawney: They’re – they’re… well, now you may be able to get away with it – but in thirty years, all this time traveling you’ve been doing will really start to show on the skin!
Trelawney: Do you really want to be taking all these classes? Hours unaccounted for; you’ll be years older than your birth date if you keep it up!
Hermione: I’ve got to see Professor McGonagall! *Runs out, horrified*
Trelawney: I predict that – within the next thirty seconds you will -
Hermione: -What? I will what?
Trelawney: See! I have yet to fail!
(Look behind Trelawney’s back)
Trelawney: ‘Now, Miss Granger, if I have to confiscate just one more Magical Ken doll…’