Week of August 8, 2004
*Draco sings softly to himself*
I’m too sexy for my tie,
Too sexy for my line,
Too sexy for my book,
Too sexy for my shirt.
I’m too sexy for this class,
Too sexy for my cash,
Too sexy for my wand,
Too sexy for this song!
Goyle: Wow, that apple Draco’s eating really does make the scene look more natural!
Malfoy: Oh great, the ceiling’s broken again – somebody go get Dumbledore.
Eric: HEY! That was MY joke!
Malfoy: Darn, I thought he was still on vacation…..
Malfoy: *looking at Harry on Buckbeak* But I look more like Leonardo DiCaprio! I should have been the one to do that…*pouts*
Goyle: What’s going on over there?
Malfoy: Oh, Ben is leading a ‘Burn the Titanic DVD’ protest.
Goyle: *Shakes head* Muggles…
Malfoy: *Cackles* We’ve done it Crabbe! We’ve found the Half-Blood Prince!
Crabbe: You mean Mark Evans?
Malfoy: Of course! It’s so obvious!
J.K.: *mutters* Idiots… Complete dolts…
Nobody knew it, but it was currently Hippogriff mating season – and the real reason Malfoy was attacked was because of his attracting scent of apples.
Goyle: *Thinking* I wonder if Draco knows that’s what his hair looks like from the back.
Aaron Carter’s latest music video to the song ‘One Bad Apple.’
The synchronized glaring of Slytherin…
Never before has a blonde boy eating an apple been viewed as a ‘sinister’ image, but this new director is all about challenging the standards of our society.
*Two Monster Book of Monsters sitting in the front row of movie theater running a commentary*
Book 1(Ernie): Now, see here folks, we have a great picture displaying the range of complex emotions that Alfonso Cuaron was trying to capture all at one time; each character feeling an emotion so unique, intricate, subtle, and delicate, that you can’t truly catch and comprehend it all at the same time!
Book 2(Alfred): You have to admire the ingeniousness of Mr. Cuaron. If you make a scene that is virtually impossible to analyze properly, no one can ever contradict him concerning its aesthetic value…I’m in awe…I give it Five Stars!
Draco: Get away from my apples you little mudblood!
Random Gryffindor Explanation Kid: Them apples are really rare. Finding one of them is like catching smoke…
*Long awkward silence*
Monster Books: If we sneak away quietly, maybe they won’t notice us…
‘At last’, thought Goyle, ‘Malfoy has taken a bite of the apple – he will fall into a deep sleep soon – and I shall place him in a casket of glass to await his true loves kiss – but wait – look at the girls in Slytherin – maybe now he may wish he was kinder to the pretty mudbloods…’
Cuaron: Cut, Cut – Joshua (Goyle) what is your motivation in this scene?
Joshua: Uhm… Dwarf liberation?!
Slightly less well known than the Hogwarts Toad Choir is the Slytherin A Capella group. Pureblood Gentlemen, shown here preparing to sing their rendition of ‘A Lot of Cursin’ To Do.’
Caption: Surveys show only 1 out of every 5 students pays attention in class.
It was some time before Tom and Jamie realized they were acting to the camera that was switched off…
Shemp, Larry, Moe and Curly: The early years.
Guy on Draco’s left: Draco, Crabbe, Goyle…What are you looking at?
Draco: Not now! I am only half done with my gymnastic head exercises…
Draco: I can’t believe that Cuaron made me do my hair like this.
Goyle: You think Mr. Newell will say to slick it back again?
Crabbe: Yeah, picture a ferret with gelled hair…
While Malfoy and Crabbe aren’t looking, Goyle attempts to push the guy who stole all his scenes into some Devil’s Snare
Moments after the picture for this week’s Caption Contest was taken, Draco Malfoy learned the hard way that the Monster Book of Monsters really, really loves green apples.
Malfoy: What is Hagrid doing?
Hagrid: *Looking in mirror* I’m gonna teach this class, and everybody’s gonna like it because I’m smart enough, good enough and, gosh darn it, people like me!
*Audience reactions while watching POA*
Kids: Theres that bad mean old Draco Malfoy!
Teenage Girls: Hee Hee…Forbidden Fruit
Draco’s Angels: Back in Distraction
Little does Draco know that Hermione learned the Snow White Apple Curse, over the holidays!
This year, Draco’s father went the extra mile and bought his son a new goon and a girlfriend!
Draco: I’m so Slytheriny, even my apples are green!
Other Students: …
Right book: That’s the thirteenth time they’ve done that today!
Left book: I know! I could act better than that with one cover tied behind my spine!
Right book: Yeah, so could I! So…erm…what have you been in before?
Left book: Well, there’s a small shot of me on a bookshelf in Tomb Raider…and I’m shooting Finding Neverland with Johnny Depp at the moment.
Right book: He’s so sexy!
Left book: Yeah…oops! Here we go again…
Alfonso: AAAAAAND ACTION!
DAILY PROPHET: Vicious ‘Monster Book’ savagely attacks 13-year-old Hogwarts student, Draco Malfoy, as he innocently eats an apple on the first day of class…
Ben: This… this is the same image as last weeks! What… what happened?? WHAT HAPPENED? It’s broken! Someone has to fix it!! Hurry! Oh, the misunderstanding! Hurry! HURRY–
Damon: *Hits Ben upside the head with frying pan*
When Movies Collide II
Malfoy: What is Sean Connery doing here?
Cuaron: Didn’t you hear? We’re now filming Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alcatraz.
Goyle – Why does everybody assume I’m thinking about that unfinished apple?
The cast of ‘Queer Eye for the Magic Guy’.
Draco: Do you know kid standing next to Goyle?
Crabbe: No clue.
Goyle: Me either.
Kid: *Whispers* I see dead… I mean wizard people.
Draco: Speilberg is slipping actors on the set again…