Week of August 29, 2004
‘And ‘ere we have a beautiful front entrance, complete with moss on the roof.’
‘Beaky, get off Harry! I know he rode you, but I don’t think you riding him will work!’
‘Now, Harry, how many times do I have to tell you? Only I get to play with the Super Deluxe Barbie Mansion!’
‘Sheesh! Where’d I put my keys? Sure, a coat wit’ a hundred and thirty-nine pockets sounds like a good idea, but wait ‘til you have ter search all of them just ter find something!’
‘One and a two and a three Macarena…’
Queer Eye for the Magic Guy
Jai: Today we’re making over Rubeus Hagrid.
Carson: Ooh, he’s so cute.
Jai: He’s 65, a teacher, and loves dangerous animals. Roar, baby!
When Hagrid stepped out of his hut to teach the lesson, his class had completely vanished and Manny the Manticore gave a surprisingly loud belch.
Class Member: Professor Hagrid, why is your arm missing?
Hagrid: I’m glad you asked me that! Let me introduce you to the next creature we’re studying…
Hagrid: Don’t talk to me. I’m trying to hold my breath to see if I’ll float away like Aunt Marge…
‘Welcome to my torture chamber – I mean, home. Have a pleasant death – I mean, time.’ *Smiles faintly*
Hagrid: ‘Ey, you kids! Get outta me pum’kin patch! *Pulls out an old rusty gun and misses by a longshot*
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Run!
‘It’s true what Mad-Eye Moody says, Harry, constant vigilance! You must be careful.’ *Turns around and smacks into doorpost*
Hagrid: THIS IS MY HUT AND NO ONE – I REPEAT NO ONE – IS ALLOWED IN IT. YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
First Years: Yes Mr. Giant, sir!
Hagrid: *Giggles* On’y kidding!
Ron: Er, no offense, Hagrid? But how the bloody hell did you gain so much weight so quickly?!
Dumbledore: *Rushing down* Hagrid! I asked you to GREET the Half-Blood Prince!
The grand opening of Hagrid’s Monster Petting Zoo suffered from surprisingly low attendance. But as Hagrid, the proprietor, explained, ‘I never take attendance’.
‘I may be just a half giant, and this door may be the only door that hides the true meaning of life, but you three didn’t hear it from me!’
Hagrid: JUST BECAUSE I’M HALF GIANT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN Play ‘KNOCK AND RUN’ ON MY DOOR AT SEVEN IN THE MORNING!
Harry: Hagrid, we don’t know you’re half giant until the fourth movie…
Hagrid: Right, right, No inner hostile feelings here…
Hagrid: And behind Door Number One…
Ron: Um, Hagrid? That’s the only door.
Hagrid: *Under his breath* I knew I should’a stayed in school…
Hagrid during an interview on Harry
Hagrid: I never, in a million years, pictured Harry doin’ what he’s doin’ now. I must blame myself for all of this…
Rita: You blame yourself for Harry becoming the next Dark Lord?
Hagrid: *Breaks down crying* I never supported him! All that trouble I put him through…with Norbert, and Grawp, and my talking disorder – I was always saying things I shouldn’t’ve! *Runs away crying*
Rita: *Turns to the camera smiling* And there you have it, a confession from Rubeus Hagrid himself. We can only hope that Harry realizes how naughty he’s being. Next week, we talk with the Weasleys – were they friends, or foes? Find out here! This is Rita Skeeter, digging the dirt you love to sniff, signing out.
Hagrid: And over here we have a cozy hut. It contains one bedroom, one bathroom, and a kitchen. It’s a real beaut, it is. We’ll start the bidding at oh, say 10 pounds! Any takers?
Audience: … *Sound of grasshoppers*
‘I lost 12 Pounds on the Henry Pegg diet. No, not pounds… I mean as in money. Like that crap works!’
‘…Is it wrong for a man to be afraid of his own plants?’
Hagrid: Sorry, you three, but I’m in no fit state to entertain today… *Giggling erupts from behind the door*
J.K. Rowling: ‘Yes, it’s true. Hagrid did enjoy eating pudding as a kid!’
‘Yes! I made it! I’m now taller than my roof!‘
‘Fang, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore?’
Hagrid: How many times do I have to tell you? I don’t want my house moved to a different location in the third bloody movie!
Lucius Malfoy: You call that a house?
Hagrid was horrified to find out that after two months of studying lions, he began to resemble one.
‘This outhouse is closed!‘
‘I knew I shouldn’t have bought a house from Bilbo Baggins!‘
*Looking for job openings on MuggleNet*
‘Hmm, an editor… let’s see what they’re looking for! Love for Harry Potter: Check! Grammar skills: Why o’ course! Open mind: Well, if I thought I could tame Grawp, then check! Hmm, I’m glad I’m over 15 so I don’t need parental permission… A love for reading: *Thinks back to learning about Norbert* Check! Ability to work with people: Well, my giant blood gives me that! Check check! *Applies*’