Week of January 9, 2005
Harry: Okay, Hermione, pick a color.
Harry: Y-E-L-L-O-W. All right, now pick a number.
Harry: 1-2-3-4: ‘You are going to fall in love with a Bulgarian hunch back’.
Hermione: Ha! I told you fortune telling is rubbish!
Harry and Hermione search relentlessly through Douglas Adams books to prove to H.P. Sleuths that Snape is not a vampire but, in fact, a depressed android.
Harry: Hermione, why is my book thicker than yours?
Hermione: Because I already know everything in there.
Harry: Ha! Hermione, my picture is not next to the word gullible in the dictionary!
Hermione: I never said that – I said it should be, and I think you just proved my point…
Harry: ‘and the Oscar goes to…’
Harry Potter: The Boy who Lived; the youngest seeker; now, head of the Hogwarts Origami Society.
Hermione: *Thinking* Werewolves? How odd? Wait a minute… yesterday was the full moon, wasn’t it? And Professor Lupin isn’t in class today. Of course! Lupin is a werewolf! Honestly, what would Harry and Ron do without my brainpower?
Harry: *Thinking* I wonder how far I can get my fingers into this folded piece of paper before it rips…
Emma: I didn’t think that taking the role of the smart girl would entail actually taking the test!
Dan: I’m not complaining – I get to make paper airplanes all day. YAY!
Harry realized that Hermione’s love notes were becoming increasingly more intricate.
Snape: What is that origami book doing in your hands?! 100 points from Gryffindor!
Harry: But, sir, Dra-
Snape: -And I expect that you will say that Mr. Malfoy made it, charmed it, and sent it to you…?
Hermione: Oh, don’t be such a child, Harry.
Harry: Yeah, like I’m the one who changed my hairstyle twelve times in this scene?!
Harry: *Thinking* Hermione just handed me a note! This could be the confession of love I’ve been dreaming for! Should I open it here, or…?
Hermione: *Thinking* I hope Harry reads that note telling him that his fly is open…
Harry: When did you get here?
Ron: Will people please stop stealing my lines?!
Hermione reads an interview with Russian Olympic gymnast Svetlana Khorkina.
Svetlana: I like being called a diva. A diva is magical… she always comes out on top.
Hermione: Hey, that’s me! *Puts on a sparkly pink tiny T-Shirt which reads ‘DIVA’*
The new Caption Contest comes by owl in note form!
Hermione: It says here that Origami was created by man thousands of years ago.
Harry: It was probably created by the same guy who invented Play Doh. You could never make it into the shape you wanted it to be… *sighs*
Harry: Don’t look now, Hermione, but there seems to be a tall, metallic object with a light on it staring at you.
Hermione: Oh, please, Harry, lights cannot stare.
Harry: Sure they can! Haven’t you seen Lord of the Rings where that Sauron guy, the big flaming eye, sends his spotlight out to stare at people?
Hermione: ‘That was SO not in the book, Draco…’
A hush falls over Hogwarts castle as tax season begins.
Hermione: Harry lost his body, Dumbledore lost his arms, and now my arm is shrunk! What’s next?!
Ron: *From offstage* Anyone seen my leg?
Snape: Due to the recent misplacement of body parts, the staff is now required to begin each class with body part attendance. Now… arms?
Snape: *Mutters* I beg to differ…
Harry: *Reading letter from Draco out loud* ‘Harry, look to your left. It’s Paris from Gilmore Girls! Maybe she chose Hogwarts over Harvard…’
Harry: *Opens note*
To my one true love,
Well it’s been three years and I can finally confess to you my love. Did it hurt falling from Heaven? If I counted a star for every reason that I love you, I would run out of stars. You are my everything.
With endless love,
Harry: *Makes disgusted face*
Ron: Whoops! Wrong person!
Harry: *Singing* A Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter. Weasley, Weasley!
Hermione: Harry! I’m trying to concentrate! Be quite or Professor Snape will hear you!
Harry: *Still singing* Snaaape! Snaaape! Ooh, there’s a Snaaape! Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter…
Harry: Yay! At least now MuggleNet can afford half my body!
Hermione: Don’t get too cocky just yet, Harry… I hear Eric’s got his eye on a new television set.
Malfoy’s Note: ‘Hey, Harry? Can you read my Caption Contest Entry and tell me if you think it’s any good?’
Hermione: So, Harry, did you hear about Flitwick and Snape?
Harry: Yes, actually, and I was going to write a caption about it but somebody hurled a rock at me.
As Emma reeled in shock at how a kissing scene managed to get into the GoF script, Daniel quietly tucked away a fifty-pound note from Rupert.
-Jake A. Ralphing
Harry: *Opens note*
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
You should have died,
At the end of Book Two.
P.S. Tell Hermione she’s a mudblood.
Hermione: *To herself* ‘Dear Diary, mental note: Do not go poking around the Egyptian tombs again. Ron wasn’t kidding when he said that there were curses to make you grow extra limbs, and this darned extra arm of mine keeps trying to spell-check my homework!’
Hermione: *Writes* Do you like me?
Harry: *Writes* Have you not been to Madam Puddifoot’s section on MuggleNet? I’m going to marry Luna.
Harry was sure now that he had a Captain Jack Sparrow Origami Hat, the girls would not possibly be able to resist him.
As the two remaining members of the trio somberly wear mourning black, the majority of the pollers at MuggleNet realize their biggest mistake
Scrivenshaft’s Advertisement: ‘Even Harry Potter uses our quills!’
Emma: *Randomly starts screaming* Omigosh! I’m so happy!
Newell: Cut! What was that about?
Dan: You okay, Emma?
Emma: I’m better than okay – Brad Pitt is single!
Hermione: Um, Professor? Page 394 talks about Time Turners, an Invisibility Cloak, and a broom closet, but no werewolves?
Snape: I meant the textbook, Miss Granger… not the American PoA…
Harry worked intently on Professor McGonagall’s newest lesson, ‘Create Your Own Owl’.
Hermione: ‘Don’t look at them, Harry, maybe they’ll click on another site…’
Narrator: ‘As the budget was pulled tighter and tighter, even the pictures began to feel stretched.’
Harry/Paper Swan Shippers: Yay!
Eric: For the umpteenth time, I said STOP IT!
Harry/Paper Swan Shippers: We’ve got our First Amendment rights! *Hold up a copy of the U.S. Bill of Rights*
Eric: No you don’t! As Caption Man, I declare the Caption Contest a division of MuggleNet, a sovereign nation, and myself the (virtually) omnipotent ruler of it!
Harry/Paper Swan Shippers: *Pout*
Eric: It is true… when you are Caption Man, you can do anything!