Week of April 10, 2005
Vernon: *Throws the letter aside* Bills! Bills, taxes, more bills!
Harry: Hey, that was mine!
Vernon: …What an excellent idea! From now on, Harry should pay all our bills!
Vernon: *Reading return address* ‘Publisher’s Clearing House… hmmm…’
Dudley: Is it… true?
Mr. Dursley: Yes… We’re being cut from the 4th movie!
Mrs. Dursley: Hmph! I told you two to lose some weight! Hollywood prefers slim actors…
Vernon: *Reading* ‘Mr. Tea Pot, Table in the Kitchen, 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey.’ …
Teapot: Woohoo! I’ve just been accepted to play ‘Prop 21,356′ in Movie 5!
‘What do you mean I have to send more money to ensure next-day delivery of HBP?!’
Petunia: I wonder who it’s from…?
Dudley: I don’t know – all that’s listed are the letters ‘I’, ‘R’, and ‘S’…
Vernon: Oh… great. Lock the doors – we’re not coming out ‘til May.
Teapot: Are you tired? Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day!
Teacup: *Giggles* Oh, stop! You are such a TEAse!
Dear Mr. Dursley,
After much research and with the help of a fingerprint, we have been able to conclude that you took the cookies from the cookie jar. Your hearing will be on July 31.
-CJM (Cookie Jar Ministry)
Teacup: ‘You know, Kettle… if you continue to face that way, we’re going to have some problems…’
Uncle Vernon: ‘Oh, look! They’ve accepted me to kindergarten!’
Uncle Vernon: What’s this?
Dudley: It’s my French citizenship application. They sent me the hat last week.
Vernon: Hmm, so does this mean that Harry’s finally getting the death sentence?
Dudley: If it does, can I get my old room back? I’d like to have his owl tomorrow, too, Mom… for dinner…
‘Look, dear! It’s our invitation to Charles’ and Camilla’s wedding!’
‘We’ve been nominated for the Witches’ and Wizards’ Choice Awards… for ‘’Meanest Muggles”…’
Vernon: This is totally flippin’ sweet! We may have just been awarded $1 million!
Petunia: No, Vernon, it says we’ve just been audited $1 million…
HAPPY TAX SEASON!
Dumbledore sends Uncle Vernon an honorary invitation to Hogwarts upon discovering that all these years of malice and prejudice against wizards stemmed from the fact that he was deprived of having a unicorn as a little boy.
Vernon: ‘You must be kidding me – SPEW? What kind of an organization is that? Petunia, chuck it – I’m not spending a dime on them.’
‘…The Campaign to Find Snape’s Clothes?! What sort of rubbish are these new-fangled politicians up to?!’
Vernon: Oh, look! A letter from Warner Brothers Studios!
Dudley: It must be about filming GoF!
Petunia: I bet they gave us a pay raise!
*Vernon opens the letter; a loud voice erupts*
Donald Trump: You’re fired!
Teacup/Kettle Shippers: They’re baack!
The Rest of Us: Not again!
Teapot: I’m a little teapot, short and stout…
JK Rowling: No, no, no! That’s Dudley’s description, not yours!
Teapot: Oh, sorry…
‘What’s this? Someone wrote this letter in green ink… Normal people don’t use green ink?!’
Teapot: I think we’re in the wrong movie – this doesn’t look like ‘Beauty and the Beast’?
Teacup: Yeah. It’s more like ‘No Beauty but Three Beasts’!
‘Son! You’ve been accepted to the National Boy’s Barbershop Chorus!’
Uncle Vernon: ‘It’s another postcard from Marge… seems she’s floating over the Himalayas now, and she’s only been mistaken for a spy plane twice!‘
Vernon: ‘Petunia – you entered the Best Hollowed Cheeks Contest? Why didn’t you tell me?!’
Tea Kettle: Oh no, I’m out of focus again!
Tea Cup: Yeah, tell me about it. This is horrible – I get all shined up for nothing.
Orange Juice: Well you can’t even see me. Thanks a lot, kettle… How do we go about getting a new director around here?
Vernon: It’s a poll that’s being sent out asking which month you’d like MuggleNet to have the caption pictures Photo-shopped…
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dursley,
We are pleased to inform you that Dudley has been accepeted to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of a necessary books and equipment. Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.
Proffessor M. McGonagall
Dudley: Really? Oh-that’s wonderful! Maybe I’ll finaly be able to catch Harry.
Petunia: Oh, look! There’s more!
P.S. Misters Monny, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, would like to congratulate the Dursley’s on being so incrediously thick and guilable that they would believe their boar of a boy would have any amount of magic at all. This message will self-destruct into vibrantly ornate colours and annoying noises in 5-4-*BANG*
*When J.K. Rowling makes a Typo*
Vernon: ‘Oh, look! It’s a letter for the boy from… Harvard…?’