Week of July 31, 2005
‘Well, my name is Biggerstaff… what did you expect?!’
Wood: Now, Harry, being a Seeker is an important job…-
Harry: -Um, Oliver, there’s a…-
Wood: -Don’t interrupt me, Harry. See, Quidditch is not just a game-
Harry: -Yeah, great, but there’s a Bludg-
Oliver: *Sighs* Oh, Harry, one day it’ll hit you that-
*Rogue Bludger zooms in and hits Oliver Wood*
Harry: …It… hit you, first…
Harry: It’s a bird!
Oliver: It’s a plane!
Both: It’s… Lavendar Brown?
Lavendar: *Flying on broomstick* Won-Won, where’d you go?!
Harry: I bet you it’ll be a week.
Oliver: I bet you it’ll be tomorrow.
George: What are you betting on, the game?
George: What then?
Harry: How long it takes for the Catherine/Eric shippers to form…
Wood: …And that’s the birds and the bees, Harry…
Harry: But – it’s all so messy!
Harry: Are you sure Mackenzie can fly that high, Oliver?!
Wood: …I wouldn’t hold out for a happy ending with Ginny, Harry, that’s all I’m gonna say!
Harry: Oliver, what was your first game like?
Wood: *Thinking* I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt…
Wood: Yes, Potter, that’s right. This is Ravenclaw’s old broom. It’s been acting a bit strange though. *Whispers* Some say a seventh of You-Know-Who’s soul is hidden in it. Don’t know if that’s true or not, but-
Fred: Stop telling him those stupid stories, Oliver!
George: Yeah, no one ever believes them!
Harry: ‘What do you mean I’ve ‘’grown a head taller”?’
Harry: Er… Oliver? How comes there’s no known descendants of Rowena Ravenclaw?
Oliver: Because no man will go after a woman with ‘claw’ in her name, Harry…
–Continuation from Eric’s caption last week–
Now that Snape’s bobblehead collection was found, Gryffindor House decided to draw twigs to see who would keep it.
Wood: ‘Looks like I win, Harry!’
Oliver: Quidditch isn’t that bad.
Harry: *Looks up, trying to ignore Oliver*
Oliver: I don’t remember my first Quidditch match.
Oliver: I got hit by a Bludger.
Oliver: I fell of my broom.
Harry: *Is petrified*
Oliver: I woke up a week later in the hospital wing with a broken arm.
Oliver: You see Harry, my full name is Oliver Michael Wood… *writes name in air*. In other words, *swishes around with wand; letters rearrange* I am Liver Wool!
Harry: Umm… What about the leftover ‘c’, ‘h’, and ‘e’?
Oliver: Well – uh – still working on that…
Harry: Help, Oliver, I need tips!
Oliver: Okay…hmm, let’s see…I’VE GOT IT!
Madam Hooch: No more talking; mount your brooms!
Harry: Whoa, what are all those?
Oliver: Looks like you inspired a lot of third years to start inflating their relatives – look, there’s Neville’s grandmother!
Harry: Oliver, have you ever seen more blatant innuendo in your life?
Wood: Nope, don’t think so…
Harry: wow, look! My lantern has grown!
Wood: My eyes! I… can’t… see!
Oliver: ‘Ah, Harry… most of your life’s most brutal injuries will occur here… *Breathes deeply* Smashing, isn’t it?’
Harry: *Thinking* Er, honestly, who names their kid Oliver? I mean, it’s just ‘olive’ with an ‘r’… it’s not like I can put it on my salad and have a nice lunch with it or anything…
Crowd: Surprise, Harry!
Harry: I’m blind!
Oliver: Well, what can you expect when there are 25 candles for you and 40 for JKR?
–Happy belated birthday Jo!!–
Harry: Oh my gosh! My scar is talking to me!
Scar: That’s right Harry, you’re a scarsletoungue!
The Caption Contest suddenly receives 1400 ‘Biggerstaff’ jokes.
Chris Columbus: ‘Cut! People, when I said pick a point in the sky to look at and look awed, I meant pick the SAME point!’
Harry: Whoa, look at the size of that –
Oliver: -Johnson, would you come over here for a moment? I want to discuss our game plan…
Oliver: ‘All right, troop, let’s go and finish off what we started… Those toilets aren’t going to clean themselves!’
‘This is a Prediction Stick, Harry. Hold it out horizontally, and it will point to the sky if there are going to be more than 2500 Caption Contest entries this week…’
Dan: Just WHAT is Chris doing with that crane?
Sean: Well, you know how they’re re-shooting all the films to get the ‘anvil-sized hints’ in?
Sean: Chris took it literally.
Harry: Whoa! Who put an Engorgement Charm on the Snitch?!
Oliver: That… would be the sun, Harry…
Oliver: You can say that again, Harry – it impresses even me!
Harry: All of those girls think you’re hot?!
Oliver: Of course! Why else would they call it ‘Woodditch’!
Wood: Yep, this year’s spoilers are even bigger than last! Just remember, it’s tackle, dive, conceal; tackle, dive, conceal; tackle, dive, conceal–
–Inspired by Orion’s caption last week–
Oliver: ‘Good thing Hermione’s wearing those tights, or we could never play Quidditch in the dark!