Week of August 14, 2005
Firenze: Harry, it’s dangerous to be in the woods in these times… don’t you see that unicorn?
Harry: *Sighs* Look, let’s cut to the chase… how much?
Firenze: Five Galleons.
Harry: Five? Oh, oh well… *hops on Firenze and rides back through the forest*
Firenze: What are you doing in the Forest so late, young Potter?
Harry: I’m looking for the captions. They wouldn’t show up when I clicked the button!
Firenze: Didn’t you read the scroller? It said that you had to click the link for all the captions.
Firenze: ‘You know what this means, don’t you? It means Tri-Star Pictures lost the bidding war for the Harry Potter franchise…’
Chris Columbus: ACTION!
Dan: But, Chris, I can’t act towards a tennis ball!
Chris: It’s not a tennis ball, it’s a centaur!
Dan: *Grumbling* Sure looks like a tennis ball…
Firenze: Listen… Harry… um, I’m kind of entertaining my lady-friend over there, so could you maybe come back in 15 minutes or so?
Harry: But what about Vol –
Firenze: – Yeah, yeah, we’ll talk all about Voltron later, man. Just come back later. And step on a twig or something so I know you’re coming!
‘It is a terrible crime to slay a unicorn, although their hides can be used to make stylish white stockings…’
Harry: What? Don’t look at me like that! You know it wasn’t me!
Harry: Stop that, I say!
Harry: KNOCK IT OFF!
Hermione: Harry! It’s a painting… a Muggle painting. The kind that doesn’t move… remember?
Harry: ‘So, let’s you and I go 50-50 on the unicorn hair. I mean, it’s a shame to let that poor animal, and ALL those galleons, go to waste!’
Parvati: *Impersonating Harry with Polyjuice Potion* What was that thing you saved me from, *mutters* you gorgeous, hairy beast…
Firenze: Do you know what is now at Hogwarts?
Harry: A bunch of angry shippers that think Hermione should be my girlfriend?
Firenze: The innocent are always the first victims… then after that comes the giant spiders and the headmasters.
A very well-placed bush.
Firenze: Harry, Is your scar a Horcrux?
Harry: What do I look like, J.K. Rowling?!
Harry: Firenze, Is my scar a Horcrux?
Firenze: What do I look like, J.K. Rowling?!
Firenze: So, you see, Harry, always eat your veggies and you’ll grow big and strong – just like me!
Harry: What about the hooves, tail, and extra two legs?
Firenze: Mfft… Yes, well… At least you’ll get nice washboard abs!
Unicorn/tree root shippers: Yay!
Eric: I’m beginning to think the only way for me to avoid the shipper jokes is to post an image that’s completely black…
Black pixel/Other Black pixel shippers: Not so fast!
‘Simba… what have you done? You must run, boy, run away… run away and never return!’
Harry: Hey, Firenze, why did the chicken cross the road?!
Firenze: Mars is bright tonight.
Harry: Who are you?
Firenze: I am Hagrid’s half-brother’s half-brother.
Harry: So Hagrid is your half-brother’s half-brother?
Firenze: Yes, Hagrid is my half-brother’s half-brother.
Harry: So Grawp is…
Firenze: Both our half-brother.
Harry: So that would make you…
Firenze: Hagrid’s half-brother’s half-brother.
Harry: And your half-brother’s half-brother is Hagrid.
Unicorn: *Whispers* Save… yourself…
Firenze: You’d better get back up to the castle, Harry.
Harry: Okay, Fir-ENNS… er, FIRE-ens… I mean Fur-EENZ… or is it Fur-ENZEE…
Firenze: *sighs, muttering* Why couldn’t she just have named me ‘Bob’?
Harry: Firenze? You haven’t happened to see my over-sized lantern anywhere… have you?
Firenze: Um… no, don’t you have a wand?
Harry: Well, yes, but that’s not the point…
Firenze: You shouldn’t be in the forest during these dangerous times…
Harry: *Thinking* Wow, a ten-pack!
Firenze: ‘No, I’m sorry, Harry, R.A.B does not stand for ”Ronan and Bane”…’
Firenze: ‘Yes, Harry, this forest does give a whole new meaning to the term ”more trees, less Bush”…’
Firenze: ‘OK. So maybe the forbidden forest wasn’t the best place to teach you the fundamentals of archery…’
Harry: How did I do for my first archery lesson?
Firenze: Well, considering this was the great hall when we all started…
Harry: You mean you don’t know how to do the Hokey Pokey?
Firenze: Well, the centaurs never let me join in any of their centaur games…
Centaur: You know I work out because of my six-pack!
Harry: Actually… there’s only four little pack thingies….
Centaur: Um… *eyes dart from side to side* Voldy… Horse… Death… Castle…
Harry: ‘No! Don’t kill me because I’m a Leo! Not everyone can be a Sagittarius!’
…The caption scroller is experiencing difficulties…
Centaur: Are you attempting to leave school grounds, Mr. Potter?
Harry: Are you attempting to dance the Flamingo, Firenze?
Centaur: …This conversation…
Harry: Never happened. Got it… *Walks off*
Harry: Legless man!
Firenze: Armless boy!
Harry: Wow, are you Firenze?
Firenze: Yes, it is I. I foresaw our meeting tonight.
Harry: Um… did you see the dead unicorn?
Firenze: Quick Harry, find something funny to say about a dead unicorn for this week’s Caption Contest!
Firenze: Uranus is big tonight…
Harry: Not as big as yours…
Firenze: …what are you talking about?
Harry: What are you talking about?
Firenze: Now, remember, there’s a 99% chance of doom and chaos in your future.
Firenze: Beware of DADA teachers…
Firenze: And tell all the girls that I look like Legolas when you get back to school…
Harry: Who would kill an innocent Unicorn?
Firenze: Can you think of no one?
Harry: no… not…
Firenze: Yes Harry, Ronald McDonald.
Harry: I always knew their burgers weren’t real beef… but UNICORNS?!
Firenze: I’m not even going to tell you what is in their Chicken McNuggets…
Firenze: ‘Yes, it is true that we centaurs bear much animosity towards the Wizarding Community. Being treated as a second class citizen is one thing, being looked upon as an animal is another, but putting a Wal-Mart smack dab in the center of the Forbidden Forest is the absolute last straw!’
Harry: Wow, have you ever entered the Kentucky Derby?
Firenze: Yes, but under the alias Smarty Jones.
Harry: That was YOU!?! I had my money on you the whole way…
Harry: Excuse me, but are you the imprint of a departed soul?!
Firenze: It’s a good thing that half of me is hidden behind this bush; otherwise, Sorcerer’s Stone would have gotten a PG-13 rating too!
Firenze: It is a terrible crime, to correct the pronunciation of my name…
Harry: But, who would do such a thing?
Firenze: can you think of no one?
Harry: Do you mean – the Scholastic web site?!
Firenze: Hmm, a dead unicorn… and a very sheltered powerful young wizard… I blame society.
Harry: You haven’t seen a screaming blond kid around here, have you?
Firenze: I can’t say that I have…
Harry: Why did Voldemort just drink blood from a unicorn?
Firenze: Because elephants are out of season.
Harry: Hey, why’d Voldemort go sliding off so fast?
Firenze: Well, you may know unicorn blood has magical properties – but it’s also a very strong laxative.
‘You see Harry, that’s why I want a raise… that unicorn gets better dental than I do!’
Harry: ‘Honestly! Can’t I have a clandestine, late-night meeting in the woods without a new ship being launched?!’
Harry Potter and the Lost Xena Episode.
Firenze: What happened to this poor unicorn?
Harry: See, it went like this. I got here and was all like WOAH and the dude over there was all ‘GRR’ and Malfoy was all AAHH! and the dude over there was like ‘FWOOSH’ and I was trippin and then he was all ‘MWA HA HA HA’ and then you were all, gallop , gallop, gallop ‘FWOOM’ and then he was all ‘EEEEK!’ and whooshed away!
Firenze: … …