Week of September 4, 2005
McGonagall: Now I shall place this hat on your head to find out which house you belong in.
Hermione: Okay… *Under breath* don’t panic… Everything’s fine. Stay calm…
Sorting Hat: *While on* THRIFINGOR!
Everyone: *Low mumbles* What? Where?
McGonagall: *Takes Sorting Hat off*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR! …Bloody hair…
McGonagall: ‘And now I will demonstrate how the new Bounty paper towels can clean your old wizard hats immediately! Look at how dirty, patched, and frayed this old hat is. Now, with one swipe of the new Bounty paper towels, this hat too will become like new!’
Sorting Hat: Is it just me, Professor, or did your brim get wider since last year? *Wink*
McGonagall’s Hat: Oh Sortie! *Giggles girlishly*
Quirrel’s Turban: Oh, why won’t she love ME!?
Dumbledore’s Nightcap: It’s because you smell! Take a bath! Or have a lemon drop!
Sorting hat: So…you think I might have a chance with that cute hat McGonagall’s wearing?
Hermione: Well, I’m not one to gossip, but I heard she’s sort of got a ‘thing’ for Quirrel’s turban… Of course, I heard it from Susan Bones’ barrettes, and personally I just think they’re jealous…
*The annual Hogwarts spelling bee*
Harry: How was I supposed to know how to spell ‘supercalafradgalisticexpialadocious’?!
Ron: Yeah, well, ‘deoxyribonucleic acid’ isn’t much better! Wonder what Hermione’s is…
McGonagall: Hermione, your word is ‘cat’.
Harry and Ron: WHAT?!
Sorting Hat: Slytherin!
Sorting Hat: Just joking. I like to get a rise out of first years. Gryffindor!
Hermione: AAAARRRGH! *Points wand at self* AVADA KEDAVRA!
Hat: Oh, I was only joking, you’re in Gryffindor! … …little girl?
Sorting Hat: Let’s see, I believe you belong in Huffle-
Hermione:*Quietly* I have a very sharp pair of scissors in my pocket, and I’m not afraid to use them…
Students: *Gasp in admiration as Professor McGonagall bows*
McGonagall: ‘And that, students, is how you pull a Hermione out of a hat!’
Minerva: For my next trick, I shall pull a bushy haired, Muggle born, know-it-all first year from the hat!
Crowd: *Oooh’s and Ahh’s*
Draco Malfoy: *Thinking* They thinkthat’s wicked… wait till I perfect my act of pulling a mob of Death Eaters out of a Cupboard!
Quirrell: Okay, Snape, 5 Sickles! Fork ‘em over!
Snape: DARN! I was SURE she’d be in Ravenclaw!
Sorting Hat: Mmmm… chocolate, but you would do better with vanilla….
Hermione: Those are houses?
McGonagall: Oh, Peeves! For the last time, stop switching the Sorting Hat cake with the real one!
Sorting Hat: And *burp* you, liiittle cleve’ gurl *hiccup*, you can be a Glyffindor, no a Gylfindoore… GRYFFINDOR!
McGonagall: *Thinking* I wish Trelawney would stop hiding her Sherry bottles under the Sorting Hat…
*Extended Edition of Philosopher’s Stone*
McGonagall: ‘When I call your name, you shall come forth, I shall place the sorting hat on your head, you will be sorted into your houses, and then I will fully read from this week’s MuggleNet Caption Scroller’
The Sorting Hat’s new song:
You may think I’m long and boring,
But the new caption scroller will send you snoring!
HOW SNAPE GOT SUSPICOUS:
Voldemort: Move your head away from the candles, fool! You’re gonna catch me on fire!
Quirrell: Yes, yes, sorry my lord.
Snape: Excuse me?
Quirrell: I said ‘God, I’m bored’….?
Sorting Hat: Aha! Another Weasley…
Hermione: But my name is Hermione Granger…
Sorting Hat: Only in the first six books!
Sorting Hat: ‘…Better be GRYFFIN-*hack, cough, cough, hack* … *spits out hairball*….I hate this job….’
McGonagall: And I am an Animagus. I turn into a cat.
Hermione: A cat? Are you sure it isn’t a dog?
McGonagall: I think I know what I turn into, young lady. Why did you think I became a dog?
Hermione: I overheard some older students say you could be a real b-
…And another Harry Potter movie gets a PG-13 rating.
Six things you wouldn’t want to hear from the Sorting Hat:
1. Let’s do the Time Warp agaaaaain!
2. I’m Sparticus!
3. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend!
4. Here’s looking at you, kid.
5. I see dead people…
6. Que Sera Sera! Whatever will be, will be!
Sorting Hat: Now, click your heels three times…
Hermione: *clicks her heels*
Sorting Hat: Now say ‘There is no place like Hogwarts’
Ron: I’m going to kill Fred. He said we had to melt an evil witch with a bucket of water!
As security tightened, students were subject to random imprint-of-a-departed-soul check…
Hermione: *Thinking* But… what if someone has lice…?