Week of September 18, 2005
Snape: Tell me, Potter, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
Harry: I don’t know, sir…
Snape: And, Weasley, tell me where to look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?
Ron: I don’t know sir.
Snape: Very well, then tell me the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane…?
Harry and Ron: We don’t know, sir.
Snape: Oh, you’re no help at all! Now I’ll have to finish the darn crossword puzzle on my own!
Snape: Perhaps you boys can help me with my… crossword. What’s an 8 letter word for two underage wizards who were seen flying a Ford Anglia over London?
Harry: Ron, that’s nine.
Snape: Try… deceased.
Harry and Ron: !!! *Stare wide-eyed*
Snape: 3 Across. ‘A four letter word beginning with ”S”, the Dark Lord’s is in seven parts and Professor Snape doesn’t have one’…
Ron: *Looks scared*
Harry: A soul?
Snape: ”’Potions professor, 5’8”, dark hair, own teeth, pension, likes walks in the countryside and holding hands…”? Is this your idea of a joke?!’
Snape: And these, Uumpa and Luumpa, are my mastermind future plans for the Everlasting Gobstopper! The Golden Tickets served merely as bait for those ignorant little children! My dungeon experiments were only the beginning! I WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!
Harry: … … …
Ron: Look, Harry – Snape’s got an Invisibility Cloak! You can only see his arm!
Snape: Either that, Weasley, or you’ve got a cheap monitor.
When Dumbledore enchanted the castle to be just like the Candyland game, their fears came true when they found out who Lord Licorice was.
Harry and Ron stood in shock after hearing the most horrific punishment that they had ever been given:
Answering the dastardly crossword puzzle in the Daily Prophet – complete with moving black boxes.
*Snape answers the crossword*
Snape: Potter, what is the answer to #7 down, ‘a 4 letter word for something made from trees and is magical’?
Harry: Er… ‘wand’?
Ron: No, it’s ‘book’.
Snape: What’s a five letter word for murderer?
Harry: Uh, S-N-A-P-E…
Snape: What’s a five letter word for traitor?
Snape: Can this be right?
Ron: umm, what, sir?
Snape: It says here that in Half Blood Prince I am evil.
Harry: Well we personally think so, but only 46% of Muggles do. 31% say you are not, and 23% say maybe.
Snape: A six letter word for trouble… …POTTER!!!!
Snape: Boys, I really must say that I’m disappointed in you, playing Sudoku in lessons; it’s just not good enough. Minesweeper really is the only thing to develop logic skills!
The Lost Chapter of Harry Potter: The Pocket Crosswords of Severus Snape.
—In continuation of B.H.S.’s caption last week—
Snape: ‘… Okay, 4 down. ”A unique string of letters and numbers that the web server stores in a file on your hard drive”, 6 letters…’
Snape: Now… ‘What is the plural of the word moose?’
Harry: Uh, sir? Aren’t you supposed to be yelling at us for letting the Muggles see us flying a car?
Snape: …Do you have any idea how serious this is?!
Ron: ‘Serious’, or ‘Sirius’?
Snape: Listen, I’ve made it so that when people walk by, they hear me yelling at you. You’re just here to help me with this crossword puzzle. Now what is the plural of the word ‘moose’?!
Ron: *whispers to Harry* Let’s mess it up. He’s been evil to us for three years straight.
Harry: *whispers to Ron* You’re right. Let’s tell him it’s ‘meese’!
Ron: *whispers to Harry* Why ‘meese’?
Harry: *whispers to Ron* ‘Cause goose rhymes with moose and the plural of goose is geese.
Both: It’s ‘meese’, sir.
Snape: Another one bites the dust.
Ron: ¿Usted es la impresión de un alma partida?
Eric: Not even in Spanish, Ron…
Rupert: I can just imagine Eric groaning about how many ‘‘can you tell me a [insert number here] word for [insert subject here]’‘
Daniel: That’s his fault for putting a picture with a crossword puzzle in it…
Shadow of a teacher: Would you care to explain the purpose of this Mudblood word game to me again?
Harry: It sharpens the mind?
Snape: Pathetic. Even Muggles should know that the brain is round and therefore cannot be sharp!
Harry: *Slaps self in face*
Ron: Read my horoscope, Professor.
Snape: Upon driving an enchanted vehicle on school premises, a dark cloaked figure will see to it that you’re expelled and never get a decent job in the whole of the Wizarding world. Beware of figures in black, they’re looking to cause harm to you intentionally.
Ron: Blimey, it’s a paper from the future!
Harry: The headline is ‘Snape Kills Du–‘
*Paper bursts into flames*
Snape: …Cursed yellow journalism….
It is not a good sign when signs start to appear in the newspaper text…
A very good picture for a Harry Potter Edition ‘I Spy’ book.
I am a very loathed, self-hating teacher who wants to change his image. I don’t have anyone who loves me, I had a terrible childhood, and am very jealous of a young boy with questionable friends. Any ideas?
Wants His Blankie
Dear Wants His Blankie. I have been telling people what to do with their lives for quite some time and it seems to me, in my expert opinion, you should: Suck it up.
For many years, I have lived a double life. But now, I have reached a crossroads. I must choose only one path to follow for the rest of my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do…
This is a situation where you just need to go with your instincts. Who knows? The answer may be staring you right in the face.
Snape: *Looking a crossword puzzle* 5 down. ‘The Chosen One’.
Ron: Harry Potter?
Snape: No, you idiot! It’s ‘Anakin Skywalker’!
Potter! Weasley! Put your hand on this crossword so I can sell it on eBay…
Harry: *whispers* Ron, that fold in Snape’s paper looks exactly like Dumbledore!
Harry: We could make a fortune on eBay!
Snape: Boys, I’m having trouble with this crossword. You wouldn’t happen to know what a five-letter Yiddish word for ‘bedbug’ is, would you?
Harry and Ron: You dragged us down here for the word ‘vontz’?!
Harry: What’s wrong with Snape? His nose is twice it’s normal size!
Ron: He listened to the special edition Potter/MuggleCast so many times he caught Andrew’s cold!
Snape: God! I’m so congested!
—Continuation from Elanna’s caption last week—
Harry: *thinking* The Dursleys didn’t want me because I didn’t match their drapes… Now Ron matches the lamp, and Snape matches his office… where do I fit in?!
Harry: I’m sorry Professor! I didn’t know that Micheal Jackson was your cousin!
Ron: Yeah, you’re more manly!
Snape: ‘It says here in my Sunday paper that you were seen by no less than seven Muggles! Well, actually, it’s yesterday’s paper. There’s no post on Sundays, thanks to that stupid caption scroller!’
—Inspired by B.H.S.’s and Wilson’s captions last week, :P’s name, Orion’s, 60%’s, Nick’s, Amk’s then Ryan’s, and Matt’s captions at varying weeks, and many others’ captions—
Ron: Professor, have you read this article on Caption Contest Loopholes? *Hands Snape Daily Profit*
Snape: *Reading* ‘Ever want to continue a discontinued caption joke? Now you can with these loopholes!’ … *Reads on*
#1: It’s okay, I had ~McDonalds~ for lunch jokes.
#2: I found ~Oswald~! Jokes.
#3: ______ = ~Pricey~ Jokes.
#4: Absence of speech ~cubes~ jokes.
#5: ~Ravenclaw~ common room.
#6: Continuing from ~next~ weeks captions.
#7: ~Unique-string-of-letters-and-numbers-that-the-web-server-stores-in-a-file-on-your-hard-drive’ jar~ jokes.
#8: Girl Scout ~biscuits~ jokes.
#9: Hermione’s ~shirt~ jokes.
#10: Insulting ~Hermione/Harry~ shippers.
#11: 14 1/2 length captions.
#12: Are you ~a corpse that had been reanimated by a Dark wizard~? Jokes.
#13: ~Frowny~ faced names.
Snape: It says that’s all but I can’t help think were missing some… Oh look, a crossword puzzle! What’s a four letter word for power-crazy?
Ron: Try ~Eric~…