Week of December 4, 2005
Crouch: Look out! Snape’s got an invisible gun on me!
Dumbledore: Barty, I think your moustache is on a little too tight.
Dumbledothanks!re: Professor Snape! Don’t shoot rubber bands at our visitors!
Snape: Sorry, Sir…
Dumbledore: *Silently to Snape* Good shot, though!
Severus Snape would long be remembered as the wizard who invented the Wedgie Maximus spell.
Snape: *Thinking* Great. I’m stuck with a feminine Adolph Hitler and a man who puts his beard in a ponytail. Listen to them fawn over Potter. Screw this… I am going back to Lord Voldemort. At least he has Muffin Mondays…
Snape, McGonagall, and Dumbledore look on in sympathy as Crouch looks in horror in the mirror for the first time as an armless man.
Snape: If you squatted down, Barty, and you wore high heels, Albus, we could look like those Cingular bars too!
Crouch: That’s the most preposterous idea I’ve ever heard!
Dumbledore: Indeed! I only wear heels on special occasions!
Harry Potter and the Three Wise Men
Crouch: Well, Dumbledore, of course I see the seriousness of the situation but I simply must insist that we continue as… *gasp!*
Dumbledore: Severus, for the last time – will you please refrain from using Occlumency to send the minister nude images of yourself?!
Crouch: …And that, my dear friends, is the story of how I lost my arms.
Dumbledore: Would’ve made more sense if you’d lost your legs… Crouch. Get it? Crouch!
Everyone Else: UGH!
Crouch: I never thought I’d see the day.
McGonagall: Oh dear…
Dumbledore: I guess Emerson won’t be calling the Ben Schoen/Emma Watson shippers ‘delusional.’
Crouch: The rules are absolute. Potter must teach Gilderoy Lockhart how to tie his shoes.
Harry: *Thinking* Must run away… I wonder whether Sirius has any extra room in that cave of his… I wonder how rats taste?
Dumbledore: Knock, Knock.
Crouch: Ugh…Who’s there?
Dumbledore: Interrupting Sheep!
Crouch: Interrupting Sheep wh-
Dumbledore: BAAAH! *Goes into fits of laughter*
Crouch- Ah!! You scared the Cornish Pixies out of me!
Crouch, Snape, McGonagall, and Dumbledore were shocked when the Queen appeared and asked Dumbledore for her nightgown back.
Barty: What is going on here?
Albus: I never liked this room. I set it on fire. Accidentally, of course
If all French girls look like that, I’ll have to move there…
Snape: I love to point.
McGonagall: I love to have a sour face.
Dumbledore: I love Barty Crouch!
Crouch: Well I love my sanity, but we can’t all get what we want!
Crouch: *Gasp* Albus! The hue of your cap and your robes are not the same! Someone call the fashion police!
Snape: *Pulls out stylin’ fashion police badge* I’m here already.
-Llama of Doom
Mr. Crouch: The Triwizard Tournament is not that dangerous, you just have to be stupid *cough, cough* skillful enough to enter it.
Harry: *Looks at missing arms* I see…
All: *In song* ‘Adeste, fideles, laeti triumphantes, Venite, venite in Bethlehem.‘
Snape: *In thought* …Just because we know a lot of Latin doesn’t mean we should have to sing Christmas songs in Latin… doesn’t mean we should have to sing Christmas songs at all….
The NEW Maury Show
Dumbledore: The results are in!
Snape: And well… what is it?
Dumbledore: In the case of Severus Snape… you are …not… the father.
Crouch: I-I-I-I don’t believe it!? *is shocked* Severus, you’ll always be my child.
Snape: Get away, perv!
Crouch: *Cries and runs off stage*
Barty Crouch Sr.: Oh my god! I’ve just realized that my supposedly dead son is using Polyjuice Potion to turn into Moody!
Dumbledore: That’s absurd!
Snape: Not possible!
McGonagall: Did someone forget to take their meds today?
Crouch: Yeah, you guys are probably right…
Dumbledore: Er… Excuse me, Barty, but may I ask where your arms have gone?
Mr. Crouch: Into Hershey’s cookies and cream, of course!
Dumbledore: What is it?
Crouch: It’s just that… that… SOMEONE’S PUT CUSTARD IN MY POCKETS!!!!!
Crouch: So, were you…
Dumbledore: No, I’m afraid not. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get Severus near either a bathtub or a shower.
Crouch: *Sighs* But why?
Dumbledore: It’s always the same reaction – ‘So much soap… clowns will eat me…’
Snape: *Thinking* I’m gonna get you Crouch… Any second now, you’ve got nowhere to run -
Dumbledore: …and Barty, I assure you that Snape is no more a Death Eater than I am!