Week of December 18, 2005
Dumbledore: ‘Cedric, Harry, you are to enter the maze at the sound of my beard bell.’ *Jingle jingle*
Dumbledore: There is something very important I need to ask you.
Harry: Professor, is everything alright?
Dumbledore: Do either of you have a laxative?
Dumbledore: Now, what would you boys like for Christmas?
Harry: Dumbledore? Why are you pretending to be Santa?
Cedric: I’d like a new broom, to win the Triwizard Tournament–
Harry: No wonder you’re in Hufflepuff…
Dumbledore: Good luck, Harry. Unfortunately i have to leave. Santa’s called in sick, and I’m his understudy. Don’t you go dyin’ on me.
Dumbledore/Emerson: Okay, so here is the plan – we are all dressed up as GoF characters so we can sneak into the movie.
Cedric/Andrew: YEAH! YEAH! ALL RIGHT!!
Harry/Ben: That means I get to do scenes with Emma… right?
Dumbledore: ‘Ok, here is the final TriWizard Tournament task. It’s a task designed to test one’s endurance in the non-magical community. In order to win, you must dash through the crowded mall while avoiding injuries from mad parents hustling to finish their shopping on Christmas Eve and avoid the crazed Muggle fangirls to buy me a nice pair of Christmas socks. The champion that gets back first, has the best pair of socks, and has all of their limbs in tact wins. One last rule, NO MAGIC. Any questions?’
Dumbledore: Perhaps you two would be able to tell me – why does the caption contest require an e-mail address?
Harry: Because owls are alot harder to fit through a modem?
Dumbledore: Harry, Cedric. Listen to me carefully, it’s very important you concentrate on what I’m about to ask you two.
Harry and Cedric: …
Dumbledore: Now… boys? Where did you get those customized shirts from?!
Dumbledore: Say hi to Lily and James for me. Cedric?
Dumbledore: Goodbye. *Wanders off, whistling*
Harry & Cedric: ?!
Harry: Professor Dumbledore, what happened to your arms?
Cedric: And your face! It is so red.
Dumbledore: Let’s just say it involves a rogue parrot, 50 blue twinkling christmas lights. a variation chemichloromagus potion, three Death Eaters, two Muggle murderers with chopsitcks, Paul Bunyan, and one iPod Video to hold all the songs and videos.
Harry and Cedric: …
Dumbledore:Harry, Cedric. Now, I know you guys are dying to win…
Cedric: Actually, no, sir, that’s just me.
Dumbledore: Boys, watch me imitate John Wayne…
Dumbledore: I know I’m not supposed to be telling you this, but I couldn’t stand to see either of you get hurt. This next task involves athleticism, self-reliance, and quick thinking. You WILL be frightened, but I must ask you not to scream. You see boys, the last task is…fangirls!
Dumbledore: ‘Harry, Cedric, no more sneaking around the Prefects bath, you’re giving the slash fans too many ideas.’
Dumbledore: ‘Cedric, Harry…. Never let the media fool you. They told me beard ties were cool.’
Dumbledore: ‘About this maze…well… Let me put it this way — Have you ever seen Little Shop of Horrors‘?
Dumbledore: Harry, remember – The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon. The vessel with the pestle holds the brew that is true!
Harry: (to Cedric) I think he’s been watching too many Danny Kaye reruns. . . .
Dumbledore: I only have one photo in my hands, and whoever’s name I call will be one step closer to being the next Triwizard Tournament Champion.*commercial break*
‘And now, before Merlin and these assembled witnesses, I now pronounce thee wizard and…oh, no, no, no, that’s not it… Welcome to the Triwizard Tournament!’
When Dumbledore lost one too many thoughts to the Pensieve.
Dumbledore: People change in there…I mean… people REALLY change…I was in there earlier today, and I saw Lupin shaving!
Harry and Cedric: *Gasp!*
Dumbledore: Now boys, its too easy to get lost in Lollipop Woods so be careful there. Don’t even try to cross Molasses Swamp, you’ll get stuck for sure. The Goey Gumdrops might be worth the risk…
Cedric: Um… Professor, should you be telling us this?
Dumbledore: … About Lord Licorice, don’t waste your time fighting him, just sneak past. I mean it Harry, even if he does want to turn the rest of Candyland into licorice. Now, about Queen Frostine…
Mr. Bagman: It is time for the final task to begin!
Harry: *Thinking to himself* Candyland? The final task is a live version of Candyland?
Dumbledore: ‘And remember. Red sparks if you’re in trouble, green sparks if you’ve won, and a dazzling web of light made of green and red light by brother wands miles away if you’re battling Lord Voldemort in a graveyard. Now, get to it.’
The consequences of getting Micheal Gambon to do an Irishman as Dumbledore..
Micheal Gambon: C’mere, lad. Havin’ a romp around with Myrtle in the prefects’ bathroom was just fine and dandy, jumpin’ into the loch in those ghastly trunks was… passable, but wearin’ your linech pyjamas to the tournament to get the lasses and win the log is just goin’ a wee bit too far!
Mike Newell: *Facepalm*
Dumbledore: ‘Boys, this task is a-MAZE-ing! Hehehe. Sorry, bad pun.’
Dumbledore: Good luck boys. And remember, there are no small Triwizard tasks. Only small competitors.
Cedric: *Thinking* My head’s cut off and the bit of my name you can see is ‘Gory’, is that forshadowing?
Cedric: Professor, I’m a bit worried. Someone’s written ‘GORY’ on the back of my shirt…that couldn’t be an omen of my forthcoming demise, could it?
Dumbledore: Goodness, no. But the red bullseye target we painted on your forehead might be…
Dumbledore: Now Harry, do you know what the definition of epitome or exemplified is?
Dumbledore: Cedric, do you know what the definition of inevitability or exemplar is?
Cedric: No… What does this have to do with the task?
Dumbledore: Absolutely nothing, but I wouldn’t recommend you getting into a conversation with Eric.
Dumbledore: Now boys, we must think of something clever. We’ve been submitting so many captions each week and they never get chosen.
Harry: I never get chosen for anything.
Cedric: Aren’t they calling you the Chosen One?
Harry: Shut up!
Dumbledore: Potter, what is that growing on the side of your head?
Potter: Oh, it’s a mini-hermione in case I can’t recall a spell
Dumbledore: If either of you make a Verizon wireless bar joke right now, I’ll expel you.
Dumbledore: Now boys. I don’t care which one of you wins *cough Potter cough* as long as you try your hardest *cough Potter cough* and represent Hogwarts as best *cough Potter cough* as you can.
Harry: ‘Professor, do you mean to tell us that you are one of the MuggleCast listeners who’s over 54 that Andrew was talking about in Episode 18?’