Week of May 21, 2006
Little Known Facts: Mona Lisa was headmistress of Hogwarts, 1497-1506. Only Nearly-Headless Nick knows why she’s smiling, and he’s not telling.
Dumbledore: Nice to meet you, but before you can save Harry you must figure out where he is; here’s a clue: Heed roars that wholly P.R.I.R.N.
Sophie: We need to find P.R.I.R.N.
Langdon: Why? Harry’s just down the hall.
Dumbledore: Hogwarts is perfectly willing to accomodate you with a place to rest before continuing on your journey. But, if you for some reason should overtake us in the box office totals, then be prepared to pack your bags!
Langdon: Did your grandfather leave us any clues on the Fat Lady?
Sophie: I’m sure, but it can only be seen by wand light. Lumos!
Guy: I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.
Girl: We were never in Kansas!
Casting Tom Hanks as Tobias Snape was only half as controversial as casting Audrey Tautou as Eileen Prince.
Langdon: ‘P.S.–H.P.R.O.C.K.S ….What kind of a code is this?! It’s impossible to break!’
Dan Brown and Jo Rowling finally realized that they could combine forces and dominate the best seller’s lists for Eleventy Billion Weeks!
Langdon: I just realized something!
Sophie: Is it a clue that could destabilize the entire world’s beliefs?
Langdon: No, I just realized I left the oven on!
Dumbledore: The Muggle-repelling charms work every time!
Daniel Radcliffe: ‘Mr Langdon, can we keep Ron Howard? And Hans Zimmer? Please?!’
In the end, Ginny convinced Harry to get his scar surgically removed if she dyed her hair. Neither one was too happy with the agreement.
‘This isn’t Poseidon? They cast Kurt Russell? Are you kidding me? I’ve waited all my life to ride that frick’n wave!’
Robert: I knew it was in Hogwarts when I looked at the picture!
Sophie: How do you know?
Robert: I recognized the floor immediately!
‘See that third figure from the left? That’s supposed to be St. Andrew. But look more closely. That’s Albus Dumbledore. And to his right–that’s Judas. That can only mean one thing; Leonardo knew that Dumbledore’s right-hand man would betray him. That’s what the Vatican has been covering up. A prophecy about Severus Snape.’
Sophie: What is it?
Robert: It’s…. It’s…. MuggleNet AXIAL! A direct descendent of the MuggleNet line.
Sophie: What happens now?
Robert: All we can do is pray. And register.
-Peter and Veronica
Sophie: Where are we?
Langdon: The same place where all fictitious characters who are banned by the Catholic church end up…
Langdon: No… HOGWARTS!
Langdon: Okay, so now we’ve discovered that ‘Harry Potter’ is real.
Neveu: And you thought we couldn’t top the whole ‘Jesus/Mary Magdalene’ thing!
Unsurprisingly, the average student stress level at Hogwarts was remarkably less harsh when Tom Hanks took over for Snape.
Sophie: So you’re telling that all of these historians actually believe that the Holy Grail is …
Robert: The Holy Grail is arguably the most powerful sought-after treasure in human history. The Grail has spawned legends, wars and lifelong quests. Does it make sense that it is merely a cup?
Sophie: But with all these books written about it, why isn’t this theory more widely known?
Robert: These books can’t possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time.
Sophie: Don’t tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail!
*Both get transported to Hogwarts dark hallway*
Robert: *Glares, through gritted teeth* I was referring to the Bible. But now, thanks to you, we’re in a Harry Potter hallway.
Sophie: Would you rather be in an LOTR: Return of the King scene?
Robert: …Good point.
Dr. Langdon: Everyone of these portraits is smirking like the Mona Lisa…I’ll bet the Holy Grail is hidden in the Chamber of Secrets! Da Vinci must be the original founder of Horwarts!
The Fat Lady: *To other portraits* Guys, stop teasing the poor Muggle…
After Andrew started driving, these people were the only ones left on earth…
HP Fans: ‘Great. Now we’re DEFINATELY going to hell!’
Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would like to congratulate Mr. Langdon and Miss Neveau but would like to kindly ask that they keep their greasy-but-not-as-greasy-as-snivellus-hair out of this storyline – as it’s complicated enough thank you.
Famed Rosslyn Chapel, the Cathedral of Codes, was silent as a tomb in the chilly morning air. Feeling an awe he had not known since childhood, Robert Langdon approached the last known resting place of the Holy Grail.
Langdon: Excuse me, do you contain a fragment of a semi-departed soul?
Sophie Neveu: *Facepalm*
‘So the secret guarded by the priory of Sion for all those years is the secret passage into Hogwarts that Fred and George discovered in their first week?’
It was then that the future Harry and Ginny realized the Kirby Vaccuum salesman would not leave until they had bought at least one.