Week of November 12, 2006
Dumbledore: *To Self* ‘No witch or wizard will respect an L-shaped scar…. Minerva, bring me my pocketknife…’
Dumbledore: *Tilts head, squints eyes* He looks like a Grimm if you do this…*Tilts head other way* But like this he looks more like a sheep!
Dumbledore: A baby? …A Baby?! I thought ‘Trick-or-treat’ was a request for sweets, not children!
McGonagall: *Frowning* Either way, I think you should give him back, Albus… that one looks like trouble.
McGonagall: Funny, Albus, how you decided to get rid of every light on the street, but conveniantly forgot the one on the Dursley’s front porch…
Dumbledore: Hush, Minerva, dear. I’m trying to figure out whether or not this large bump on Harry’s head will be hide-able under a strange hat when he’s older.
Rise in house prices means older first time buyers.
‘And now, I must touch his head to the lamp…’
Dumbledore: Anyone who uses the phrase ‘as easy as taking candy from a baby’ has never tried it.
McGonagall: Maybe you should have thought of that before you gave him your last lemon drop, Albus…
McGonagall: Don’t you think it unwise to leave a defenseless baby on a damp doorstep? Not to mention forcing him to live with people who’ll hate him for his very existance?
Dumbledore: No – besides, who would take him? That scar really ruins his face… which looks a bit like James’s but -
Baby Harry: -I’ve got my mom’s eyes. I KNOW!
Dumbledore: Since when did his scar say ‘Voldy Rocks!’?
McGonagall: What? Let me see!
Both: The Wonder-Boy-who-survived-the-Dark-Lord goes round and round…
Dumbledore: Should we really be using the only survivor of the Death Curse as a toy?
McGonagall: …No… I guess not…
McGonagall: ‘No, Albus! Don’t let him go into the light!’
Upon hearing of the success of the Harry Potter series, the Coneheads wanted a piece of the action. They were thoroughly disappointed, however, when they looked upon young Harry’s head and discovered that Zorro had beaten them to it.
Finally, after searching several blocks, Dumbledore finally found a house with a light on out front, and could prove – once and for all – that the baby had his eyes, not McGonagall’s.
-Girl from Mars
Baby Harry: Malfoy… evil.
McGonagall: …We can get him counseling for that.
McGonagall: Oh my, Albus! That scar looks terrible!
Dumbledore: Oh I know. I couldn’t possibly tell you how to get under Gringotts with that!
Dumbledore: ‘Oh, and I almost forgot Dudley’s present. A real life Harry Potter action-figure baby doll. Oh, he’ll be so excited! Now, come on, Mrs. Claus, we have to go find my reindeer.’
‘Wait a minute… red hair? Freckles? …I DON’T BELIEVE IT!’
McGonagall: ‘Albus… may I have a bite of the taco?’
Dumbledore: Hey, watch this! Light as a feather, stiff as a board…
McGonagall: Albus, please!
Hush little Harry, don’t say a word.
You’re parents were just killed by the Dark Lord.
And even though there’s a scar on you head,
Just be thankful that you’re not dead.
You’ll live with Muggles of the worst sort-
Another thing you can blame on Voldemort.
Now we’ve got to quiet Hagrid’s tears,
So we’ll see you in eleven years…
Minerva: Oh, Albus. He is just adorable!
Albus: And to believe I got him on eBay… for only $4.50!
McGonagall: Did the Potters adopt, Harry, Albus?
McGonagall: Well, since when has Harry been of Asian descent?
Dumbledore: What? *Looks* Oh dear…
Minerva: Albus, how’d the boy get that scar?
Albus: Ah, that, Minerva, I cannot tell you. I can, however, assure you that he is most certainly not a Horcrux, whatever the editorials may suggest…
Dumbledore: Funny, I could have sworn there used to be a door here…
McGonagall: Oh, who cares? We’re missing the party! Just tie a brick to him and throw him through the window – if he gets hurt, we’ll just blame the scars on Voldemort!
Albus: Tell me again, please, why we – two prominent divorce lawyers – are taking a baby dressed in robes?
Minerva: Albus, I have told you a thousand times: Britney Spears’ pre-nup states, ‘In the case of divorce, two lawyers dressed as wizards will take baby Jayden Spears as the House Elves seize K.Fed’s new cars and bling.’
Albus: *Grumbles* Pop stars…
Dumbledore: *Hides Harry under beard, and brings him out again* Peek-a-boo!
McGonagall: Dumbledore’s gone mad…
It was when Dumbledore suggested that they leave a baby, unattended, on a doorstep all night long, that McGonagall realized Albus had become senile.
‘Oh, Albus… not a plaid blanket… what will people say… they will think he is a Squib!’
McGonagall: …They’re the worst sort of Muggles imaginable!
Dumbledore: *Sniff sniff* And I believe our dear boy has just made their surprise tomorrow morning a bit more of an unpleasant one…
McGonagall: Are you sure about this, Albus?
Dumbledore: Of course, Minerva. When Alohomora fails, there’s no better battering-ram than a stunned baby.
McGonagall: It still seems rather cruel…
Dumbledore: Ah, he won’t feel a thing. Got a head thicker than Hagrid’s homemade toffee!
McGonagall: Whatever are you talking about, Albus? Harry’s been down for Hogwarts since birth!
Dumbledore: Harry? Harry who? The baby? Oh! This is Neville Longbottom!
McGonagall: Really, Albus. I know that the storks are your friends, so couldn’t one of them have handled this delivery?
Dumbledore: My dear Minerva, Harry here is precious cargo. Besides, they’re paying me in lemon drops… and you know how I love Muggle candy…
Dumbledore: *Acting like a very, very old and single aunt* Ooh… ickle Harry poo is a weautiful little thing. Who’s the Chosen One? You are the Chosen One!
Dumbledore: You gave Oldy Voldy the good ol’ one-two, didn’t ya? Who is my little hero…?
Dumbledore: Oh! Ejem, erm… okay, let’s not let ourselves get emotional.
Albus: Here’s one I made earlier!
Minerva: What about that scar on his forehead…?
Albus: Blast it, woman! I can’t get it perfect every time!
Dumbledore: Now, we just have to put a small cut on the baby’s forehead and then he can pass as Harry!
McGonagall: …Wouldn’t it be easier to just give them the real Harry?
Dumbledore: You must be joking! Then who will make Dumbledore Waffles the way I like them?!
‘Okay, Minerva, you know how this works. I’ll set it on fire whilst you knock, then it’s both under the Invisibility Cloak to watch as the foolish inhabitant rushes out, stamps out the flames, and realizes the blanket is full of dog poo! Ready?’
Dumbledore: ‘This country ham weighs a ton…’
-Peter, Helene, and Veronica
Minerva: Now, now, Albus… I know it’s hard for you to part, but it really is time to give that old plaid leisure suit of yours to Goodwill.
Dumbledore: *Looking sadly upon his bundled-up suit* Can’t I just wear it one more time?!
McGonagall: *Reading note pinned to blanket* ‘Fra-gi-le. Hmm. I didn’t know the boy was Italian, Albus…’
Dumbledore: Wait a minute! This isn’t Harry, it’s a watermelon with a face painted on it!
Hagrid: Bah, the hooded fellow in th’ pub said nobody’d notice th’ diff’rence!!!
Dumbledore: And now, I shall condemn you to a life of endless and unjustified suffering. Good luck, Harry.
McGonagall: OR, you could simply -
Dumbledore: -Shh! Everyone must think that we had no choice!
Dumbledore: ‘Oh dear. This is the child that is supposed to save the Wizarding World? Well, uh… perhaps he’s just sort of an… ugly duckling… *as he folds the blanket back over baby’s face*’
McGonagall: Can you do anything about that scar, Albus?
Dumbledore: Even if I could, I wouldn’t – then Jo Rowling would have to come up with a new last word for Book Seven!
Dumbledore: Hmm… this baby looks remarkably like a potato…
McGonagall: Maybe that’s because it IS a potato!
McGonagall: He has his father’s hair.
Dumbledore: …And his mother’s eyes.
McGonagall: …And his father’s rear end.
Dumbledore: How would you know that?
Dumbledore: Good luck… Harry Potter.
*Dramatic John Williams playing in background*
McGonagall: Er… shouldn’t we ring the doorbell?
Dumbledore: Quiet! We’re building up the melodrama!
‘Minerva, I will take you to Jerry Springer for this! You can’t expect me to believe it’s MINE? At my age?!’
Dumbledore: What’s that, Harry? There’s a sale down at Wal-Mart? I’m there!
McGonagall: We can’t bring a baby to Wal-Mart. It’s not sanitary…
Dumbledore: But I really want to go!
McGonagall: Fine, we can leave him here – but we have to come and get him when we’re done.
*They both disapparate*
Dumbledore: It’s so sad… Lily and James… Funny that Harry looks nothing like them…
McGonagall: What do you mean? Harry has green eyes and…
Dumbledore: No… he has red eyes, a slit for a nose and OH MY GOD IT’S BABY VOLDEMORT!
‘Albus, do you know the diaper-changing spell?’
Dumbledore: I hope no-one criticizes that I’m leaving this infant on a porch in the middle of the night…
Minerva: Don’t worry, Albus, this night will be the best he will have for many years…
Dumbledore: Very true…
Dumbledore: Look, Minerva, he’s got my nose!
McGonagall: *Under her breath* the poor boy…
Dumbledore: Wait, we’ve got the wrong baby.
McGonagall: How can you tell?
Dumbledore: It’s got blonde hair and it’s smirking at me. Remind you of anyone?
I Spy, Hogwarts Deluxe!
Can you find…
A picnic blanket?
A crystal ball that predicts the explosion of the sun?
A single bush, that looks like a tree, but isn’t?
And last but not least…
A pair of new parents who are older than life itself?
Dumbledore: ‘I know, I know, dear Harry… Fluorescent lighting isn’t very flattering on either of us. Don’t cry…’
Aunt Petunia: *Unseen looking out window* ‘No, no, dear, it’s just Jehovah’s Witnesses again. Don’t get the door.’
Dumbledore: *Offscreen, inside house* ‘We couldn’t just get the Girl Scouts or Jehovah’s Witnesses calling at our doorstep, no; instead, we get eleven pounds of foreshadowing and symbolism.’
‘Darn. I asked for Rye, not Sourdough…’
Dumbledore: Aw, who’s a cute little legend? You are, yes you are! Coochy coochy coo…
McGonagall: Er – Albus, the other cats are beginning to stare…
Minerva: Albus, why don’t we just drop him off at the orphanage or something? Anywhere but here would be best.
Albus: I’m afraid we can’t, Minerva. You do remember the last time we did that with an orphaned soon-to-be wizard…?
-Marissa the Different
Minerva: Gee, I do hope he won’t be out here all night long…
Dumbledore: Now now, this is a nice and caring family!
*Eleven Years Later*
Dumbledore: *Looking into his Pensieve* Did I really say that? Better not show Harry this in six years…
McGonagall: Do you get the sense we’re a bit… out of place, here, Albus?
Dumbledore: Ah, Professor, I’m out of place everywhere…
Dumbledore: ‘…Why does this name tag say ”Luke”?’
Minerva: Albus, don’t you think we should give them a REAL baby?
Albus: I doubt they’ll know the difference, Minerva; this baby cries, eats, poops, and BLINKS!
McGonagall: Professor? Is it just me, or does Harry look a bit… plasticky?
Dumbledore: Er, Minerva… I don’t think Hagrid picked up the right baby.
McGonagall: How do you know that’s not Harry Potter, Albus?
Dumbledore: Because this is my Amazing Allison Doll…
McGonagall: ‘Put that back in the freezer, Albus! Thanksgiving’s not for two weeks!’
McGonagall: Albus, why must you leave Harry with such awful people?
Dumbledore: My dear Professor McGonagall, haven’t you ever seen ‘Star Wars’? ‘Superman’? ‘Spy Kids’? ‘The Princess Diaries’? ‘Disney’s Hercules’?
Dumbledore: *In baby voice* Is ums a big ums? Oh, yes he is. Is a big boy!
Baby Harry: *Giggles*
McGonagall: Oh, let me try! *Baby voice* Oh, he’s such a cutie! Oh yes he is. Yes he is.
Baby Harry: *Yawns*
Dumbledore: I win.
McGonagall: That’s not fair. You were tickling him with your beard.
Dumbledore: But he likes his Dumbly-wumbly, oh yes he does!
Baby Harry: *Giggles*
*They suddenly smell something foul…*
Dumbledore: Here, you take him.
McGonagall: No, I wouldn’t dream of it!
Dumbledore: Really, I insist!
McGonagall: Let’s just leave him on this doorstep.
*The two drop Harry on the doorstep and run away quickly*
McGonagall: Albus, why are we here again?
Dumbledore: I just had this sudden urge to tell everyone ‘Boom shak alak alaka to the twentieth power’…
McGonagall: ‘I wonder when the continuity eagles will notice that this light is still on…’
Baby Harry: ZzZz…. *snore*
Snape: Sleeping, Potter?! 45 points from – um…
Snape: Slytherin! Oh – hey, wait… *stalks off*
Dumbledore: ‘Hmm… I think there’s a spot of dirt on his cheek. I better clean him up or else Petunia might not let him in. She still might not let him in anyway, but we might as well give him the best chance possible…’
Dumbledore: Oh, Minnie, our child is beautiful!
McGonagall: I just can’t wait until he gets your beard…
Dumbledore: My goodness, Minerva, his face was completely wiped off!
McGonagall: Albus, that’s his back side…
Dumbledore: ‘What a coincidence! The scar, black hair, …exactly like that boy in those childrens’ books…’
Dumbledore: I’ll sure feel bad for the family that got this one, he’s a fatty!
McGonagall: Darn straight!
McGonagall: Is that a baby?
Dumbledore: Either that, or I packed a lunch…
McGonagall: ‘So… where are the Wise Men?’
I always knew Albinerva would work out!
Dumbledore: ‘Alas! He peed on me!’
Dumbledore: ‘I think I saw on Muggle TV that all babies are born with blue eys. I’m sure they’ll turn green, Professor… absolutely positive.’
Dumbledore: I think we have a little problem.
McGonagall: *Gasps* That’s not Harry Potter, it’s -
Dumbledore: -Suri Cruise…
‘Alas, he has earwax…’
‘We shall call him Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore Jr., and he shall be our Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore Jr.!’
Dumbledore: I wonder why Miss Granger asked us to sign off on this large package for her…
McGonagall: It’s labelled ‘Corona.’
Dumbledore: I assume it must be the new model of a Nimbus broomstick, then…
-Jake A. Ralphing
Dumbledore: What did you say, Harry?
McGonagall: I think he means that the light is too bright.
Dumbledore: Oh. *Takes out Put-Outer*
Travis: *Sighs* For a few Glorious Months I was a caption winner…
Eric: …Don’t even think of trying to win with a caption that doesn’t relate to the present subject.
Travis: …But that happens all the time.
Eric: Well – yes, um… Have you heard about those Weasley Twins? Somehow got warped to November?! *glares*
Minerva: ‘Whatever you say, Albus… I still think he resembles the plumber…’
Dumbledore: ‘I am sorry to do this to you, Harry, but now that we have finished the Eric Scull World Tour, I am going to have to leave you here until you are old enough to come to Hogwarts…’
‘Professor Dumbledore… are you sure this is the right choice, and that you’re not condemning him to ten years of living in a cupboard under some stairs or something?’
Dumbledore: This boy will have EXCEPTIONAL powers.
McGonagall: Sounds like he has exceptional powers in his pants… Bleh.
Dumbledore: ‘Would you know, I rather feel like we’re leaving Tarzan with the apes…’
And thus, the ‘Daniel Radcliffe is small’ joke continues…
McGonagall: Are you sure he’ll be alright, Albus? I mean, with these Muggles… is it really best for him?
Dumbledore: He’ll be fine… until his cousin is old enough to tease him about being delivered on their doorstep in a pink plaid blanket…
Albus: *To Baby Harry* Hello, baby…
Minerva: *Blushing* Not now, Albus!
Harry: *Thinking to himself* Lady, quit tickling my feet and turn into a Kitty-Cat again. That was totally awesome. To the cow that jumped over the moon, eat your shorts! You got NOTHING on this lady, she RULZ!