Week of November 19, 2006
Vernon: ‘Now, Dudders, when you have your thumb, index and pinky fingers extended and the rest down like this, it’s called the ”Jimmy Snuka” or ”I love you.” But, if you put your index finger down, it’s the ”hang ten” sign. If you want to be hardcore, just have your index and pinky fingers extended. Now, go upstairs and practice in the mirror!’
Vernon: Thirty-six, counted them meself!
Dudley: ……….. *Runs upstairs*
Dudley: *Comes back down with Smeltings Stick and thwaps Vernon*
Vernon: Dudley! Fetch the crowbar! I’m stuck!
Vernon: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.
Vernon: But nowhere in there does it mention fathers and sons! *Lunges at Dudley’s nose*
Vernon: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper; A peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked; If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper, Where’s the peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked?
Vernon: Now, you try!
—In reference to Lianne’s caption last week—
Dudley: If Harry’s my cousin, how come he’s of Asian descent?
Vernon: Well, you see, one out of every six people in the world is born Chinese. You, me, your mother, your Aunt Lily, and your Uncle James were all white, so naturally Harry had to be of Asian descent!
Dumbledore: *Watching from outside with McGonagall* See, I knew we’d get away with it!
Dudley: *Singing* gitchi gitchi ya yah hee! Mocca chocolate ya ya! Creole Lady Marmalade!
Vernon: *Singing* Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?!
Harry: *Waking up from nightmare, gasping* …That was a new one…
Vernon: …Remember, boy. One more word out of you…
Dudley: Dad! Do I look like Harry?
Vernon: Sorry, son. Force of habit…
Vernon: Dudley, I am afraid that I must ask you a life-altering, world-shatteringly vital question.
Dudley: *Gulps* Yes, father?
Vernon: How close am I to making the ‘rock on’ symbol with my fingers?
Vernon Dursley: ‘You see, Dudley, all of us have special powers. *Tries Jedi Mind Trick* These are not the cookies you want…’
Uncle Vernon: Just because Harry is like a boy Anastasia doesn’t mean he can start singing songs from the movie!
Harry: *Singing ‘Once Upon a December’* Things my heart used to know, things it yearns to remember!
Uncle Vernon: Now kick him, Dudley! Before it gets worse!
Uncle Vernon: ‘Ha! I match the bar, and you don’t match anything!’
‘Don’t sass me, boy! You’re a Dursley for God’s sake! You’re a good, respectable and NORMAL boy and as long as you live under my roof, you will do what normal boys do with their fathers and for the last time, pull my finger!
Dudley: No, Father, I will not let you pick my nose – go and pick Harry’s…
Vernon: Boy! Get in here!
Uncle Vernon: Dudley, you are an overweight, insolent, disrespectful, disdainful, impertinent pig that was taught to walk on its hind legs!
Voice in Background: I am Jo Rowling, and I approve this caption.
Uncle Vernon: *Takes deep breath* … ‘- What was I doing here again?’
Dudley: But Daaaaddd….!
Vernon: No, Dudley. You can tease him, beat him up, torment him and anything else you like – but whatever you do, you must not let anyone know he’s Suri Cruise!
‘Dudley, you large porky scoundrel, have you eaten my secret stash of butter?!’
Dudley: ‘Is that a ”hook’em sign,” Dad? I never knew you liked the Longhorns…’
Shadow Puppet Night at 4 Privet Drive:
Vernon: ‘And THIS is how to make the dog…’
Vernon: ‘Blue and red are tho your colourth!’
Dudley: But Daaddd…!
Vernon: Don’t make me snap my fingers in a Z formation!
Dudley: Daddy, I want to use the computer; you’ve been on there for hours!
Vernon: Now, now, Dudders, I’m waiting for the Order of the Phoenix trailer to appear online…
-Jake A. Ralphing
—Based on last week’s captions by Marielbug, Peter, Helene, Veronica, Stacey, Emily, and Matt—
‘Dudley, how many times must I tell you? No matter how much your cousin Harry MAY look like a taco, a country ham, a sourdough loaf, a potato, a turkey, or any other form of food, you may NOT eat him!’
Dudley: No, Father… Wrong again!
Dudley: Hey, Dad, what do you think of my Spider-Man costume for Halloween?
Vernon: Rock on, Son!
Dudley: Only thirty-six presents? This is an outrage! Last year, there were thirty-seven!
Vernon: I shall fix this immediately. Let me get my sledgehammer and I will smash two of last year’s presents.
Harry: *Wakes up* What a wonderful dream!
A never-before-seen clip showing why the Dursleys were absent from the ‘Goblet of Fire’ movie:
Vernon: Dudley, you know how we pretended for so long that Harry wasn’t a wizard? Well, we have a secret for you, too.
Vernon: You are Dudley Phillip Vernon Windsor… Princess of Genovia.
Harry Melling: Forget it! I can’t take this anymore!
Vernon: …And when they got to the ninth hole…
Dudley: *Thinking* Look amused… look amused…
Vernon: ‘Quiet, or I’ll wrap you with my spider-powers – Go, web, go!’
Vernon: ‘…And don’t you ”last year I had 37” me, or I’ll poke your eyes out!’
Dudley: Dad, are you a bigot?
Vernon: No – I just hate anyone who’s not an upper-middle-class, Caucasian British citizen with no magical heritage.
Dudley: Oh… okay.
Vernon: Love and peace, my son!
Dudley: I’m gonna get you, groovy new Dumbledore…
Vernon: ‘Dudley, I thought your mother and I made it perfectly clear to you that you’re to STOP making Harry’s old baby blankets into sweaters!’
‘Well, Duddy my boy, I fixed your Super-Power Radar Remote-Operated Multi-Purpose Ultimate Radio-Television-Computer Gadget. Unfortunately, I glued these two fingers in the process…’
Vernon: One sip of the drink in that teapot and you will tell the truth, Dudley, my lad!
Dudley: *Takes a gulp* Bleurgh, that’s salt-water!
Vernon: That’s the truth!
This little piggy went to Smeltings,
This little piggy caught gnomes.
This little piggy got a feast,
This little piggy got the Sorcerer’s Stone.
And THIS little piggy went ‘AAAH Dementoids!’ And the other piggy dragged him home.
Vernon: ‘…The same thing we do every night, Dudley – try to take over the world!’
Vernon: Dudley, I have to have to say this, but that undershirt looks horrible with your regular shirt.
Dudley: You’re one to talk! Just look at your tie!
Vernon: Leave my tie out of this…
Vernon: ‘STHU NOOB!’
Uncle Vernon: What did I tell you about bullying Harry!
Uncle Vernon: Not until after you’ve eaten!
Harry: *To himself* Some parent you are…
Vernon: ‘And then, Andrew went
‘Girlfriend, I know you didn’t just eye my slice of cake. Mmmhmmm!’
*A Moment of Upstanding Family Morality uncharacteristic of the Dursleys*
Vernon: Thirty-six! Counted them meself!
Dudley: But Daaaadd! WHY did I get ONE less present this year than I did last year?!
Vernon: Because therapists agree, Dudders – by the time you’re forty-five, punks like you will have nothing!
Vernon: Now, Son, listen closely… this is a good one!
Vernon: Four international businessmen are on a golf course, and soon they hear a ringing sound. The Canadian businessman walks to his golf bag, pulls out his cellular phone, and talks for a minute with his office. ‘Very important to be in touch these days,’ he says. ‘Yes,’ his golfing partners agree.
Vernon: A short while later, a different ring is heard, and the American golfer holds his hand to his head, as if to imitate speaking to a receiver, and begins speaking in what is clearly a real conversation. After the call, he explains to his fellows ‘it’s the very latest in cellular technology – a speaker is attached to my thumb, and a microphone to my pinky. You can’t even tell it’s there.’
Vernon: Not too long after this, the German businessman picks up a call with a speaker in his ear and a microphone on his tooth, explaining that that, truly, is the latest in cellular technology. And when they arrive at the ninth hole, the Japenese golfer excuses himself.
Vernon: After he doesn’t reappear for several minutes, the American golfer goes to make sure he is okay. He finds him behind the bushes on his knees, and asks him if everything’s alright. ‘Yes,’ replies the Japanese golfer, ‘if you could just give me a minute here, I’m expecting a fax…’
Vernon: Hahahahaaaaahaha!!!!! Get it? A FAX! That one’s going to the Masons!