Week of November 26, 2006
Harry: Don’t you hate it? People staring at you all the time.
Harry: I mean, people don’t stare at me all the time, well actually sometimes they do, but you know, it’s not like you.
Snake: *hissing a bit louder*
Harry: But being locked up all day, I mean, my uncle locks me up in my cupboard, and he doesn’t feed me for days. At least you get fed…
Snake: *hissing even louder*
Harry: *Sighs* You know sometimes I wish that things were different, but you know, I shouldn’t live off hopes and dreams, right -
Snake: *hissing incredibly loud* SSSSSSHUT UP!!!
Harry: So what you’re telling me is that I can understand you because this Vold-something…
Harry: Yes, yes, whatever. Well, you’re saying that he tried to kill me after he killed my parents, but instead of killing me he sort of… transferred his powers?
Harry: But my parents died in a car crash…
Snake: Yes, that’s it… they were ordinary people – and you just happen to be able to talk to snakes…
Harry: Okay, now that we have that cleared up…
Snake: *Thinking* I would do a facepalm right around now if I had handsss…
‘What do you mean, ”They eat snake in Brazil”?!‘
Snake: ‘…on the plus side, they feed me lots of blueberries! Look at my tongue!’
‘It’th tho embarrathing being a thnake with a lithp.’
Snake: Brazil is nice this time of year… not too hot, not too cold… ripe fresh fruit straight from the tree… tourists usually gone… freshly shedded skin… warm sun in the day, cool breeze at night…
Harry: It says here you’ve never been!
Snake: *Shouts* Can’t a snake have a freakin’ daydream?!?!
‘I would give you a big hug, but sometimes I don’t know my own strength and must be on my way. Thaanksss again!’
Snake: ‘Thanksss… now, could you please point me in the direction of small, furry animals?’
Harry: …And those are the dreams I had last week. Do you think something is wrong with me?
Snake: Kid, I think you should be more concerned that you’re talking to a ****ing snake…
Snake: ‘I wonder what Freud would sssssay about thisss!’
Harry: Yes! Now I can make a snakeskin skirt… Yea me!
Snake: *Blinks* …and I thought I had problems…
Ron (Offscreen): Haaarrryy…?!
Harry: Don’t worry, Ron, it’s just a robot.
Ron: Haaaarryy… it has teeeeeth….
Harry: Ron, I am SURE it’s a robot.
Ron (with Snake coiling around his neck): *Whimpering* HARRY!
Harry: Ron! It’s a robot!
Harry: What are you doing on the floor?!
This Specimen was Bread in the Zoo.
Harry: Oh, I see – so, you’ve never been to Brazil?
Boa Constrictor: Duh…
Harry: No problem!
Snake: Lord Voldemort, here I come!
Harry: Don’t you mean Brazil…?
Snake: …Sure, whatever you say…
Snake: SsssSsss. Ssss ssssSs ssssSsss?
Harry: SssSs! Ss ss ss. Sss SsS ssSs. Ss?
Snake: Ss ss sssSSss. SsS. Sss!
Snake: Slither, slither, hiss, hiss… Now, Harry, gimme a kiss!
‘Hello. I was wondering if you could introduce me to Samuel L. Jackson. I have this idea for a movie, called Snakes on a Plane…’
Snake: Hey, kid, wanna hear a joke?
Snake: A man goes to bat and hits the ball clean outta the ball park. Runs to first, then to second, onto third and finally slides into home plate.
Harry: …That’s it? I don’t get it.
Snake: That’s ok — neither did the catcher.
Snake: And sssssso, after that he sssset about sssssending me around to ssssstrangle mugglesssss. It really made me feel like a sssssimple minion insssstead of a trussssted ally. It wassss frussssstrating.
Harry (the psychiatrist): And this troubles you, understandably. Please, go on…
Snake: It issss sssssso nicccce to have sssssomeone who lissssstensssss….
Snake: Thanksss, Amigo.
Harry: You know, you really shouldn’t say ‘Thanks, Amigo’ – you said you were from Brazil and in Brazil they speak Portuguese, not Spanish.
Snake: ……Sssshut uppp…
‘I really need to thank my agent for landing me this Harry Potter gig instead of ‘Snakes on a Plane.’ Sure, I might have gotten better insurance, but I would have had to do my own stunts… well, that and I don’t fancy walking in on someone’s Mile High Club acceptance speech…’
Snake: No, Harry, I… am your father…
Snake: *Laughing* Ha! That was a joke! You protagonist characters will believe anything.
‘I’m tellin’ you, kid, Snakes on a Plane is a COMPLETELY different movie if you speak Parseltongue!’
Radcliffe: Why do you look so… computer-generated?
Snake: What, you think Chris Columbus would put you in any real danger?
Radcliffe: I guess not. No one would do that.
Snake: Actually, I might’ve been real if Alfonso had directed this movie.
Harry’s early resemblance to food followed him for most of his pre-Hogwarts days. Even the snake in the zoo wanted a taste of him.
Harry: Wow! A talking plot point!
Snake: Get used to it, kid…
Snake: Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth, then I could with you Merry Chrithmath…
Harry: You make more sense to me than Dudley!
Snake: Come on, kid, let me free!
Harry: I don’t know… but, I guess I will. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like you’re secretly the pet of my worst enemy and the evillest wizard of all time, AND contain a seventh of his soul, NOT to mention that you will some day attack my best friend’s father, right? Haha!
Snake: *Nervous laughter*
Snake: Go ahead, eat it! It’s only an apple, and it’s SO red and juicy and yummy!
Harry: …Excuse me?
Snake: Oh! Sorry… …. wrong Book…
-Peter, Helene, and Veronica
Harry: ‘Nothing, I just thought that the Basilisk would be a bit bigger, that’s all…’
Harry: Como estan?
Snake: Muy bien.
Harry: Es de England.
Snake: Es de Brazil.
Columbus: Cut! For the last time, Dan, it’s Parseltongue, NOT Spanish!
Snake: Pssst, Harry. I’m a snake from Indiana Jones here to talk to you about a movie that will be a BIG HIT! You in, bucko?
Dudley: *Screaming in background* Dad Dad, Harry’s going to be famous! Quick take away his meals for a week!
Snake: ‘I see scared-to-death people…’
Snake: You can’t make footprints in the Sands of Time if you’re on your butt, Harry. And who wants to make buttprints in the Sands of Time?!
Romilda Vane (disguised as snake): *Thinking* Just a little bit closer… slowly… almost there…
Tourists: SNAKE! AAAH, SNAKE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
Romilda Vane: Dang it! *slithers out of reptile house*
Harry and Snake: ‘Wow, it’s like looking into a mirror.’
(Ya see, it’s a Horcrux joke! it’s funny… if you think about it…)
Due to WB budget cuts, the new Harry Potter movie got stuck with David R. Ellis and now the new movie is called Harry Potter and the Snakes on a Plane!
Snake: Thhhaaaannnkksssss Ammmiiiigooo…
Harry: No problem.
Snake: Is there anything I can do to repay you?
Harry: Did you bite that fat kid in the butt?
Harry: Nope, I’m good…
Snake: Hey, do you speak python?
Harry: sssss hhssssshss sssssss
Snake: I meant the programming language… noob.
Snake: Hello. My name is Basilisk Jr. You killed my father. Prepare to die!
Must have been a layover at Hogwartsss!
Ron: Harry, what’s it saying?
Harry: Well, she said that Sheniqua told her that she been foolin around with Marquan, but Malik aint too cool with that, so him and Marquan gonna take it outside, you know what I’m sayin’?
Harry: *Thinking* ‘So far I’ve run into magic wands, invisible shops and now a blinking snake… STILL all more believable than Hermione’s parents being British dentists!’
Boa Constrictor: Welcome to S.N.A.K.E., or the Sweet New Adolescent Knowledge Emporium, psychiatrist department. How may I help you today?
Harry: *Intimidated* Umm…
Boa Constrictor: I see, you have girl problems! And who might this special young lady be?
Harry: *Still intimidated* G-ginny Wea-
Boa Constrictor: Of course! The young Ginny Weasley! My advice: win her back, or suffer eternal torment-
Harry: I JUST CAME FOR THE FREE LOLLIPOPS! *Runs out of the building*
Ron: …And he’s supposed to kill Voldemort? Heck! The whole WORLD will be gone by Tuesday!
Snake: Ahh, Harry Potter… you look jussst like your father… exccceppt your eyesss… You have your -
Snake: ‘…And then, they made me their chief.’
Harry: Any time.
Snake: By the way, name’s V.
Harry: V? V for what?
Snake: ‘Broomsticks, huh? Good choice, kid. Planes are overrated.’
Snake: And then he was all, ‘Hissy hissy little snakey slither on the floor you be good for Morfin or he’ll nail you to the door’ and I was like, ‘PSH!’
Harry: Wow… I’ve never spoken to a snake before… this is probably my only chance! Anything you want to tell me while this lasts?
Snake: *Hisses* Get some deodorant, kid. *Slinks away*
Harry: … *Gapes after it*
-Sammy J. Pepper
Snake: Let’s cut to the chase — you, me. Dinner.
Harry: Uh, no.
Snake: Four eyes!
Harry: I’m gonna make Gred and Forge some new jackets out of you!
Snake: *Sticking tongue out* I’m TERRIFIED! Especially since there’s a GLASS WALL between us, idiot!
Snake: ‘I’m SICK and TIRED of the @#&^($%)ing humans tapping my @#&^($%)ing glass!’
Harry: Who are you?
Snake: I’m ‘Ron’s Gurl.’
Harry: Wow, no wonder Eric didn’t like you…