Week of December 10, 2006
Uncle Vernon: I’d prefer a Felafel or Scone!
Aunt Petunia: Or a Bagel of Sweetness.
Harry: What’s wrong with my Cinnamon on Marzipan?
Uncle Vernon: It’s just a Gobbet of Fibre!
Dudley: I thought I Ordered lots of Weetbix!
Aunt Petunia: And where’s my Half-Cut Quince?!
Harry: THAT’S IT! This is the LAST time I cook you all a continental breakfast!
Harry: Uncle Vernon, what was that strange magazine you got in the mail? That lady on the front was wearing a bikini and bunny ears…
Vernon: That was – a Halloween costume magazine, Harry… I am throwing a party this year!
Harry: Well I sure hope Aunt Petunia isn’t going as Page 3…
Vernon: You see, boy, you don’t need an Invisibility Cloak! All you need is clothes in the same pattern as the background! Take a look at Petunia. You can only see her head, legs, and arms!
Dudley: *Searching in the air* Mum, where are you?!
Hermione: *off-screen* ‘Looks can kill’ is a metaphor, Harry…
Harry: Uncle Vernon-
Vernon: What is it, boy?!
Harry: Y-you have a bit of egg in your moustache…
Vernon: Oh! I’m saving it… for later.
Vernon: What’s with the old man pants, Harry?
Harry: These are NOT ‘old man pants,’ they are vintage-style Coach courderoys. I saw them in Cosmo. And, I must say, I look better than you in your… cardigan…
–Continuation from Rachel’s caption last week–
Uncle Vernon: Harry… could you introduce me to Romilda Vane?
Dudley: What kind of cookies are these?!
Harry: *Grins to himself*
Harry: I hope that you enjoy these cookies. I saw Rachel Ray make them on the food network, and they looked delicious!
*The Dursleys eat the cookies*
Vernon: I don’t feel so well…
Dudley: Me neither…
Harry: Oh – did I forget that the show was ‘30-Minute Food Poisoning for Nasty Relatives?‘ *hollow laugh* How silly of me!
Uncle Vernon: Sunday is the best day of the week. Do you know why, Harry?
Harry: Because in a few minutes a hundred letters will emerge from the fireplace and we can all scream and run and finally get away from here to a shack on a rock in the sea?
Harry: *laughs* erm… okay, I was just guessing…
Vernon: Didn’t we already have this picture for the Caption Contest?
Dudley: But I still match the magazines, mum still matches the chair, and you still match the wallpaper…
Harry: And I still don’t match… I know..
Vernon: Do you know why I like Sundays?
Harry: Because you can go to church and repent for abusing and neglecting an innocent child?
Vernon: …Go to your room…
Uncle Vernon: Hmm, do you know why I always like the week of the Eleventh?
Harry: Because it’s the week Eric reuses this picture every 15 months?
Uncle Vernon: Right you are, Harry!
Vernon: What do you have on that plate, boy?
Harry: Oh, just the large quantities of enthusiasm and inclusion of the Dursleys in many captions from the last few weeks.
Harry: Uncle Vernon, doesn’t my story remind you of Cinderella?
Vernon: Don’t be silly, Harry. Now, I want you to scrub the terrace, sweep the halls and stairs, clean the chimney… and, of course, there’s the mending and the sewing and the laundry. Oh yes, and one more thing… see that Dudley gets his bath.