Week of December 12, 2006
Vernon: I demand that you get out immediately!
Hagrid: Dry up, Dursley, you old prune! *Bends gun*
Vernon: No problem, I can just hold the gun the other way!
Hagrid: *Bends the gun into a knot*
Vernon: I can still hit you with it.
Hagrid: *Takes gun, throws it into the ocean*
Vernon: *Cries* Please go away?
Petunia: ‘You couldn’t let him just read the letter, could you? Nooo, YOU had to take it away from him, then bring us to this hut on a rock in the middle of the sea to escape the mad barrage of letters that followed, only to have a wet half-giant burst in at midnight and drip all over the rug which, even though it isn’t rightfully ours, I’M STILL UPSET ABOUT!!!!’
-Lola the Coconut
Petunia: ‘When the real-estate agent said ”rustic,” I thought she meant we’d have a view of the woods… DUDLEY, DON’T TOUCH THAT THING!’
‘Back off, I tell you! I don’t care if it’s a plastic prop, I’m not afraid to use it!’
Vernon: ‘Ha! That ought to teach that jolly fat man about coming down my chimney!’
Vernon: Get out of our house, you sorcerous trespasser!
Santa: But, but -!
Vernon: I hope it’s not the people from the tax company! I can’t afford to lose 45 pounds!
Petunia: *Thinking* you can afford to lose much more than 45 pounds if you ask me!
Petunia: I’m scared, Vernon! What do I do?
Vernon: I’ll protect you! Scratch that… you’ll protect me!
Petunia: Now watch, Verny, as I perform my magic trick!
Vernon: But I thought you hated magic! *Gets out gun just in case*
Petunia: *Flips the switch on the wire and a million pounds plus an all-you-can-eat buffet pop out of thin air*
Vernon: *Drooling* Magic… goooood…
Vernon: ‘Potter and his effin owls again! Don’t worry, Petunia, we will soon have a few nice juicy birds to eat…’
Hagrid: *Breaks through the door* Sorry about that! *Steps on Vernon’s suitcase* Oops, my bad! *Accidentally destroys vase on table* Pardon me; it’s not my day! *Sits down where Dudley is sleeping* Hmm… I think I’ve got something in my -
Vernon: ’18 days, 23 hours and 19 minutes to get a MuggleNet tee shirt?! I’ll show them, me and my RIFLE say I have 19 days, 21 hours and 12 minutes…
Petunia: Why don’t you just buy one now?
–Inspired by Julie’s caption last week–
Loch Ness Monster: *Tears down door* Harry, me laddie, yeh never answered! Is that the McTavish Clan yeh wearin’?!
*The real reason for the CC’s sudden change in pace*
Vernon: I’m warning you, you’ve marched my family through enough grief the past few weeks. Come any closer and I won’t be responsible for my actions…
Eric: Aaaand moving swiftly along…
Petunia: Vernon! Why are you shooting at innocent people!
Vernon: It’s nothing, dear, I’m just practicing for my hunting trip with Dick Cheney…
Vernon: ‘Shhh! Be very, very quiet. It’s wabbit… I mean, wizard season.’
Who ya ‘gonna call?
Petunia: It must be the Continuity Eagles, wondering how if we’re in a cabin on a rock in the middle of the sea we can still have electric lighting…
Uncle Vernon: Get away, 9-foot-tall man with the power to bend space and time!
Aunt Petunia: *Whispers* You’re going to need a bigger gun…
–In continuation of Brett’s caption from last week–
Jack Bauer: ‘Let the boy go to school, or MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WILL DIE!’
‘Momma! ‘Nuther gater in the house!’
‘Nuther gater? Gimme that shovel!’
Uncle Vernon: I wonder… if I squeeze my face a little bit tighter, do you think I could look completely like a plum with a disturbing moustache?
Aunt Petunia: …
Vernon: I see a little silhouetto of a man, scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?
Petunia: What’s a scaramouche?
Harry: I believe that Scaramouche refers to the popular historic novel written in 1921 following the adventures of a young French aristocrat during the French Revolution.
Vernon: How do you know so much, boy?!
Harry: How do you know the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody?
Vernon: ‘DUDLEY! GET AWAY FROM THAT SLIGHTLY-SMUSHED-MISSPELLED-HAPPY-BIRTHDAY-CAKE AND NO ONE GETS HURT!’
Petunia: ‘Shoot it, Vernon! It’s a repeat!’
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!
LITTLE WHINGING HILLBILLIES:
Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Vern,
A poor mountaineer, locked his family in a shed.
Then as they slept they heard something rude,
And the door was knocked down by a giant dude.
Huge he was, brown beard, lots of keys.
Well the first thing you know Ol’ Vern’s wet his pants,
Lil’ Harry said ‘Hogwarts, what’s that and where?’
Said ‘with Dumbledore you really ought to be,’
So they loaded up the boat and they travelled out to sea.