Week of December 17, 2006
Harry: So, the last book will be called, ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?’
Hagrid: *Looks horrified* I shouldn’t have said that… I should not have said that..
Hagrid: Harry, I’m glad I found yeh… I have news! From the Muggle world!
Hagrid: THe last book will… it will be called, ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows!’
Harry: So… I’m going to die?
Somehow, Harry got the feeling that he was looked down upon.
‘Fee, fi, fo, fum, Voldemort killed your dad and mum…’
Harry: I think you’ve got something in your beard…
Hagrid: Yeah, it’s been there fer days, I don’t know what it is.
Dumbledore: *Popping out* Help… me…
Hagrid: Hello, Harry! ‘S been a while since I last’ve seen ya – you look alright, a bit plain around the edges and my goodness you’re thin – what’ve they been feeding you? But other than that you look just peachy, I wish I were peachy… *Breaks down and sobs*
Hopeful Child: Yes! I’m being rescued by Rubeus Hagrid, keeper of the keys and grounds at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where he will whisk me away to a world of fantasy and magic!
Hagrid: *Thinking ‘jeeze, not again!’* Ooorr, I’m Santa Claus, covered in soot from your chimney, here to deliver your presents to ensure you have a Merry Christmas.
Hopeful Child: ….
Santa: *Rolls eyes, sighs, and opens his coat, revealing several children nestled within* Jump in, then…
Dudley: I-I’m not Harry!
Harry: I am.
Hagrid: Well o’course yeh are! …an’ I’m the Queen o’ Sheeba!
Harry: Who are you?
Hagrid: I am Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys at Hogwarts. ‘Course you know all about Hogwarts.
Harry: Hogwarts? …I was waiting for Jack Bauer to rescue me.
Hagrid: ‘Bauer’? …Blast. *Yells over his shoulder* Dumbledore… We lost another one!
Hagrid: You’re a wizard, Harry.
Harry: Cool! Does that mean I get to wear a belt around my ribcage, too?!
Chris Columbus: Cut!
Harry: Hey, Hagrid, why do you wear your belt in the middle of your stomache like that?
Hagrid: Well… erm… I was going to tell you when you were older but… *whispers in Harry’s ear*
Harry: *Shocked expression on face* No amount of therapy will ever make this moment okay…
Hagrid: ‘What?! I’m not a big enough present for all eight nights?!’
Harry: Father Christmas didn’t forget about me! He just arrived 7 months late!
Hagrid: Just call me Father Birthday!
Dan: *to Chris* I’m quitting if you hire another person who is taller than I am.
*In walks Robbie Coltrane*
Dan: That’s it, find another Harry Potter!
Chris: Bring out the stunt double!
Johnny Depp: Bugger!
Hagrid: Harry… Don’t move…
Harry: *Shakily* Why not?
Hagrid: There’s somethin’ big an’ ugly on your forehead…
Hagrid: Of course yeh’re not like Eragon, Harry! C’mon, does Eragon have an old, wise mentor who dies like Dumbledore?
Harry: Yes, his name’s Brom.
Hagrid: Well, I bet he isn’t trying to kill an evil person like you’re trying to get rid of You-Know-Who!
Harry: Actually, he is. Except it’s an evil king named Galbatorix.
Hagrid: He don’t have a familiar like you have Hedwig, do he?
Harry: Yes. It’s a dragon named Saphira.
Hagrid: A dragon? What kind?! Where’d he get it? What kind is it?
Harry: *Walks away*
Emerson: ‘I-I’m s-sorry, sir… we don’t seem to have any MuggleNet T-shirts in size 50XL…’
Harry: ‘So, you come here advocating a very high-ranking wizard school, yet you give me a misspelled birthday cake?!’
Hagrid: Well, Harry, you look exactly like your father, but you’ve got…
Harry: Uncle Vernon, can I borrow your gun?
Hagrid: Blimey, Harry! Do ya not know where yer mum an’ dad learned it all?
Harry: Learned what?
Hagrid: You’re a Playboy model, Harry.
Harry: *Taken aback* I-I’m a what?
Hagrid: A Playboy model! An’ a thumpin’ good’un, I wager!
Vernon: *Turns purple in jealousy*
Hagrid: You’re a wizard, Harry! An’ I’m here to bring yah to Hogwarts!
Harry: Me? But… that nice snake in the zoo said that my parents were ordinary people and died in a car crash!
Hagrid: ‘The snake said’? Riiight… Well, let me rephrase that. I’m here to bring yah to Hogwarts… but we’ll drop by St. Mungo’s first.
Harry: Nice belt buckle, Hagrid.
Hagrid: Thanks! Just goes ter show that not everythin’s bigger in Texas. Solid proof!
Harry: Uh… yeah… *rolls eyes* the BELT is the proof…
Hagrid: Give it up, Harry, there’s no way you can win! I always win!
Harry: *With eyes streaming* I am the Chosen One, I’m going to defeat Lord Voldemort, but I am going to win this staring contest first!
-Roonil and the Wazlibs
Hagrid: If you want your letter, you’re going to have to jump for it. *Holds the Hogwarts letter above his head*
Harry: *Thinking* There’s no WAY this is fair!
–In continuation of Kaitlyn’s caption from November–
Hagrid: ‘Voldy Rocks’? When did your scar say that?!
Harry: My aunt and uncle said that my parents branded me with the name of their favorite rock band before they were killed by a stampede of people at one of their concerts.
Harry: Who are you?
Hagrid: Rubeus Hagrid! Keeper of the Keys and Grounds of Hogwarts… at least for now, but as soon as this beard turns white I’m claiming my throne in the North Pole!
‘Who am I? Well, I am the Ghost of Christmas Present! Come in and know me better man!’
Hagrid: Didn’t no-one ever tell yer?! Yer a mailman, Harry!
Hagrid: With a mum an’ dad like yours, what else could yer be?!
Hagrid: Yer a wizard, Harry.
Harry: Wizard? But I’m Harry… just Harry…
Hagrid: DON’T ARGUE WITH ME, BOY, OR I’LL GET YOUR UNCLE’S GUN AND UNTIE IT FROM THAT KNOT!
Harry: *Backing up* I’m a wizard, okay, I’m a wizard!
Harry: Hey, Hagrid, what exactly have you and Madame Maxime been doing in that tiny, tiny house out on the coast of France where you were all alone and it was dark and absolutely no one could see you? ‘Cause I was just wonderin’…
Hagrid: Uhhh… You ain’t ought to be askin’ about me private business, Harry… but just for the record… we were uh, doin’… doin’ our taxes.
Harry: Darn those taxes!
Hagrid: you know, Harry, taxes, uh, they really aren’t all tha’ bad…..
‘Twas the night of Harry’s Birthday, and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.
Vernon’s rifle was hung by his bedside with care,
In case any owls might find their way there.
Dudley was nestled all snug in his bed,
With visions of sugar-cookies dancing in his head.
Harry lay on the floor, getting colder,
Counting the seconds until he would turn one year older.
Then all of a sudden a great BOOM shook the floor,
Not a cannon, Dudley, but a knock at the door.
And there stood a huge man with a great mess of hair,
Who strode inside and gave the Dursleys quite a scare.
And I heard him exclaim, ere he made Petunia swoon,
‘Ah dry up, Dursley, yeh great big prune!’
Hagrid: No, Harry, you’ve got it all wrong. People don’t call you The Chosen One because you are obligated to someday kill the greatest dark wizard of all time! They only call you that because you dressed up as Anakin Skywalker last Halloween.
‘Twas the night of his birthday, and in the cold shack,
Little Harry was stirring, his dreams out of whack.
As the rain of the storm on the windows did spatter,
There was a great BOOM, a roar, and a clatter,
And out of the rain came a man of such size,
There was a new wet spot on Harry’s Levi’s.
Despite his appearance, he seemed rather merry,
And out came a voice saying, ‘Happy Birthday, Harry!’
‘These prunes have kept you here far too long,
So here’s a cake with your name all spelled wrong.
And I’ll take you to a magical world,
Of strange magic potions and crazy fan girls!’
Friend or foe, Harry thought to himself,
This guy standing here is no Christmas elf.
Plus, he gave me a cake, which my Aunt never did,
And now he’s turned my cousin into a pig!
And did he say FANGIRLS? THAT sounds pretty nice!
I think I’ll follow this guy’s advice!
So out of the shack in the sea did he flee,
Off to some magical university.
Of course, at that point, he had not a clue,
What he would regret when those fan girls were through.
‘Yes, Harry, I’m afraid it is so. The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident!’
Harry: Father Christmas?
Hagrid: No, I am Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. I shall take you there to learn about your parents, about magic and help you meet friends.
Harry: So… you’re not Father Christmas?
Hagrid: Well, no…
Harry: Get out…
-Bree the Pirate
Hagrid: *Thinking* Mustn’t look at the scar, mustn’t look at the scar, anywhere but the scar… ‘You’ve got a scar Harry… d’oh! I mean – you’re a wizard, Harry!’
*The Million-Dollar Question*
Harry: ‘W-where do you buy your clothes?’
Offscreen Voice: Harry, what are the three R’s?
Harry: Reading, wRiting, and aRithmetic.
Hagrid: What are those?
Harry: Just school stuff.
Offscreen Voice: Hagrid, what are the three R’s?
Hagrid: Runespores, Re’ems, an’ Rock cakes!
Harry: What are those?
Hagrid: Oh, jus’ school stuff.
And the producers of Ant Bully are suddenly struck with an idea.
Harry: Excuse me, but… who are you?
Hagrid: Rubeus Hagrid, News Scroller Editor at the MuggleNet Caption Contest. Of course you know all about the Caption Contest.
Harry: Sorry, no.
Hagrid: No? Blimey, Harry, didn’t you ever wonder how long it’ll be until 2007, the CC’s fifth year in operation?
Hagrid: First, I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swiirly twirly gumdrops, and THEN I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.
Harry: Um… good for you?
Hagrid: *Talking into flip-phone* Mhm… mmhmm… okay, I’ll let him know. *Snaps phone shut, turns to Harry* Well, Harry, you’re very lucky Mr. Trump was in the Christmas spirit to give you back your Miss Universe title after those… *shudders* …incidents involving you, an after-party, some goblins and a lot o’ tequila.
Hagrid: ‘Harry… look deep into my eyes… you feel drowsy. When I count to three, you will imagine you’re in a long, seven-installment novel where you are the hero in a Wizarding School…’
Harry: *Gasp* He does exist! *Faints*
Hagrid: Huh, poor kid, he musta thought I was someone else…
Harry: Gee, Hagrid, what are we going to do tonight?
Hagrid: Same thing we do every night, Harry, try to humiliate Snape!
Occlumency with Hagrid…
Hagrid: *Thinks* If I open my eyes REALLY big, maybe Harry will be able to see my thoughts!
Harry: ‘Sir, I think you have the wrong book… Jack and the Beanstalk is three shelves down!’
Hagrid: ‘Don’t look now, Harry, there’s a camera behind you. We don’t want them to know we’re on to them…’
Hagrid: Now, Harry, are you SURE you want to come to the wizarding world… it’s a very big decision…
Harry: *Big smile* Well, sure, why not? It could be fun!
Hagrid: Well, I mean she called the last book ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows…’
Harry: *Smile fades* ..Well, what does that mean?
Hagrid: Well… we aren’t exactly sure…
Harry: *Turns and looks up* Is it too late to back out, Jo?