Week of December 31, 2006
‘Excuse me, could you please help me pull this large carrot out of my head?’
Goblin: ‘Yes… very good… just the right size, I think. What kind of sauce shall we cook him in, do you think, Hagrid?’
Goblin: I have just learned the title of Book Seven, Mr. Potter, and I wanted to let you know that you have my deepest sympathy…
Harry: Oh, shut up!
Goblin: Mr. potter, our sole goal here at Gringotts is to make you feel shorter than us. Tell us, DO you feel shorter?!?!
‘We can’t possibly hide you in a vault, Potter, you’d die. Take your chances with You-Know-Who, the odds are better.’
Harry: Hello, sir! We would like to -
Goblin: I harbor no wish to convert to a crazy cult religion or to buy Girl-Scout cookies or to have my roof pressure-cleaned OR to donate money to the orphanage! *Walks away*
Hagrid: Oh well… I guess we’ll just have to give the million-galleon prize to the goblin in the next cubicle…
Goblin: Mr. Potter, do you know why the goblins work at Gringotts?
Harry: *Matter-of-factly* Because you’re bitter ol’ pointy nosed elves with no life and no girls?
Goblin: *Shouting around angrily* Alright, who let out our secret. I’ll throw you to the dragons downstairs when I find you!
Hagrid: I think we should leave, this is going to get ugly.
Harry: *Thinking while leaving the building* Like it wasn’t ugly already…
Goblin: *to Harry* What are you looking at, shortie?
Hagrid: *to Goblin* Speak for yerself!!!
Harry: *thinking* Eeeww… what is that thing?
Goblin: *Thinking* Eeeww… what is that thing?
Goblin: My New Year’s Resolution is to smile more! *Attempts to smile*
Harry: My eyes! The image has been burned into my retinas! AAAAAAH!
Harry Potter and Last Week’s Shirt
Goblin: Lamp please.
Hagrid: *Hands over lamp*
Goblin: Key please.
Hagrid: *Hands over key*
Goblin: Money please.
Harry: So… you’re a goblin and he’s a half-giant…
Goblin: Actually, we prefer vertically challenged magical creatures who are supremely smart and equal to wizards…
Hagrid: An’ you can’ say ‘giant’ no more, harry; the pollitically correc’ term is ‘human-like creatures who happen to be a bit larger than the rest o’yer…’
Goblin: Yes, little boy?
Harry: Little! You can talk! And the wrinkles… *shudders*
Harry: *Thinking* I wonder if he hurts himself when he’s picking his nose…
Goblin: I beg your pardon!
Harry: Bah… should’ve learned Occlumency…
—Inspired by Ryan of New Year’s Eve 2002—
Harry: Hi, can I -
Goblin: No. Lollipops.
Goblin: If you’ve come to ask me about lollipops, I have none! Go to Ollivander’s!
Harry: Actually, I came to ask if you had suckers.
Harry: *Unemployed after Voldemort’s defeat* Sir, about my loan request…
Goblin: Mr. Potter, you can’t just be throwing celebratory exclamation points out willy-nilly!
Harry: What if you fall off your desk? For you, it must be like… ten metres down!
Goblin: But that’s why I have these! *Pulls string and ears stand out* Wings!
Goblin: Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Harry: But New Year’s just ended!
Goblin: That hasn’t stopped the department stores and their display cases!
Goblin: No! I am NOT a member of the Lollipop Guild, now either show me a key or scram!
Announcer: ‘Today, on The Goblin’s Court…’
-Peter, Helene & Veronica
Harry: I’d like to make a return, please. This Half-Giant I got for Christmas just isn’t my size.
Goblin: Boy… it’s… a ‘giant.’ What do you not understand about that?
Goblin: ‘…Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse-‘
Harry: How long is he going to be reading Christmas stories?
Hagrid: Until it snows…
Harry: ‘Save the cheerleader, save the world? What the heck does that mean?’
–Inspired by the movie ‘The Princess Bride’–
Goblin: And does Mr. Harry Potter have his key…?
Harry: What vault key? I have no vault key.
Goblin: I see. *to Hagrid* Tear his arms off.
Harry: Oh, you mean this vault key…. *nervous laughter, holds up key*
Hagrid: We wish to withdraw from Vault -
Goblin: Can’t, there’s a robbery scheduled today.
Harry: You know, I know a spell that can get rid of those wrinkles…
Goblin: *Glares* I know a spell that can GIVE you a bloody nose! *Shakes fist*
–In continuation of Schmergo’s caption last week–
Goblin: ‘Am I *sneer* a member of *sneer* People with Strange Reflexes Anonymous?’ Of course not, *sneer* you insolent *sneer* little *sneer sneer sneer* human!
Goblin: I would be nice to you, but let’s be honest. With a face like this, and fingers as long as these, I have a right to be bitter.
‘Hmmph. You seek Yoda.’
Goblin: Hehehe! Gold you desire? Have a key, do you?
Harry: Wait a minute! Long and pointy ears, sharp claws, shaggy white hair, loveable giggle, backwards dialect… Sir, do you happen to have a brother on Dagobah?!
Goblin: ‘Dagobah,’ you say? This nonsense I do not know about. In America, my brother is. Dreams of a movie career, has he. Foolish, he is. Nothing more to say about him, I have.
Goblin: And, does Mr. Harry Potter have his chicken?
Hagrid: Don’t you mean ‘key’?
Goblin: This book is OVERDUE! You checked it out in 1998!
Hagrid: …And young Harry here will have the Combo #3, no onions please.
Goblin: And does Mr. Harry Potter want a toy with his kids’ meal?
Harry: Nah, it’s cool. I used Accio and took the ones from the display case when we came in.
Goblin: No… *sight* He’s over there…
(Adapted from Abbott and Costello on buying a Computer)
Goblin: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Harry: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
Harry: No, the name’s Lou.
Goblin: Your computer?
Harry: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
Harry: I told you, my name’s Lou.
Goblin: What about Windows?
Harry: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Goblin: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Harry: I don’t know. What will I see when I look out the windows?
Harry: Nevermind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Goblin: Software for Windows?
Harry: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
Harry: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Goblin: I just did.
Harry: You just did what?
Goblin: Recommend something.
Harry: You recommended something?
Harry: For my office?
Harry: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Harry: Yes, for my office!
Goblin: I recommend Office with Windows.
Harry: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Harry: What word?
Goblin: Word in Office.
Harry: The only word in ‘office’ is ‘office’.
Goblin: The Word in Office for Windows.
Harry: Which word in office for windows?
Goblin: The Word you get when you clikc the blue ‘W.’
Harry: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers.
*A few days later*
Goblin: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Harry: How do I turn my computer off?
Goblin: …Click on ‘START…..’
-Jorene and Christina
Harry: you look like a 747. Tell me, how much lift do you get with your ear span?
Hagrid: *Whispers to harry* Whatever you do, just don’t say anything about his nose. It might be the last thing you do…
Harry: H-Hi… n-nice to knows you…
Hagrid: Harry! That means ‘blunt axe’ in gobbledegook! We better get out of here!
Goblin: Do I make you feel extremely short?
Harry: Y-yes, Sir!
Goblin: Good, that will be all!
Goblin: What’s that large thing behind me? Not a lollipop, that’s for sure!
Harry: Has anyone told you you’re very ugly?
Gringotts Worker: …No, mainly because I control their money…
Harry: Hagrid, how old do oompa-loompas get before they retire?
Hagrid: That’s not an oompa-loompa, Harry, that’s a goblin.
Harry: Then who makes all those delicious chocolate frogs?
Goblin: Just for that, I am turning your gold into chocolate frogs. See what kind of broom that buys you!
Harry: *Whispers to Hagrid* I should’ve known he wasn’t an oompa-loompa, if there was Willy Wonka magic in these frogs, they would have more than one jump in them.
Harry: Are you sure you’re not related to him?
Goblin: To him related I am NOT!… Oh…. Darn it…
Harry: So, you are the only British bank in the Wizarding world?
Goblin: That is correct, sir.
Harry: So, you have the monopoly in Wizarding banking.
Goblin: That’s right.
Harry: Which means that this must be a very wealthy institution.
Goblin: Though we don’t discuss this much with our customers… Yes.
Harry: Then what is it that doesn’t let you hire somebody to clean up in here?!
-The Duke of Waltham
Goblin: You are in luck, Mr. Potter, we’ve had a last-minute fatal – Er, cancellation.
Harry: Oh, great. Which room is it?
Goblin: One of our best suites, sir, Suite 713. It commands an excellent view to the underground lake, and it’s guarded by the fiercest of dragons.
Harry: Just what we’ve wanted. *Hagrid nods enthusiastically* We’ll take it.
Goblin: Very well, sir. Sign here, please.
Harry: *Signs the form*
Goblin: Excellent. We’ll send someone for your luggage; Griphook will now show you to your room. *They leave* Hehe. Ever since Lord Voldemort took over Britain, Gringotts Secret Shelter Resort and Spa has been reliving its old glories! *Greedy expression*
-The Duke of Waltham
Goblin: And… does Mr. Harry Potter have his key?!
Hagrid: Er… wait.. *reaches in coat* Professor Dumbledore said ter give yeh these. *Pulls out coconuts*
Goblin: Coconuts? *Suspiciously* Where’d he get coconuts?
Hagrid: Found’em, I s’pose…
Goblin: Found them?! In Europe? The coconut’s tropical!
Hagrid: What do you mean?
Goblin: Well, this is a temperate zone.
Harry: But the swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climates in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
Goblin: Well pardon me, Mr. Harry Potter, but are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Hagrid: …Are yeh?
Harry: Forget it. Let’s go…