Week of January 7, 2007
Ollivander: Hmm… *holds box, turns around, opens box, sticks wand up nose* Ah. Yes, this is the right wand for you, Mr. Potter.
Ollivander: ‘Oh, I’m just so SICK of wands. I wonder if Florean would run away with me?’
Ollivander: Now I’ll go back to the room where I keep the wands and fetch yours.
Harry: *Confused* Then what’s all this?
Ollivander: *Silently* My shoes…
Ollivander: *Reading* ‘Holly and phoenix feather, 11 inches, suitable for killing the most powerful Dark Lord ever… yes, this is the right one.’
Ollivander: ‘VERY curious – how did my Peach Sparkle bath fizzies end up in here?’
Ollivander: Now, please pay attention, Mr. Potter. This is my little game of the long cardboard boxes. If you manage to pull one out without causing the whole stack to collapse – just as I’m showing you – you may buy what’s inside.
Harry: And if the stack collapses, sir?
Ollivander: That’s easy – then you will be forced to buy what’s inside, and you’ll have to arrange the boxes in a pile again!
Harry: Sounds fair. What’s inside the boxes?
Ollivander: That’s a surprise! Now go on!
Harry: *Pulls out a box, stack collapses* Oh. Darn. *Opens the box* It’s a special offer for 5,000 bottles of toilet cleaner. Wow, that’s really smashing…
Ollivander: Well, I’m glad you like it! That’s 35 Galleons and 23 Knuts. For you, I’ll make it an even 46 Galleons. And now get that pile up again!
Ollivander: ‘I wonder… if the kids have a nickname for me… and if it’s Beethoven.’
Ollivander: Yes, Mr. Potter, we do have lollipops here. What flavor did you want?
Harry: What’s curious?
Ollivander: That You-Know-Who, came in here, over fifty years ago, and asked for a lemon lollipop! He did great things with that lollipop, you know. Terrible! But great.
Ollivander: …Curious… most curious…
Harry: Sorry, sir, but what’s curious?
Ollivander: Oh, I was just wondering how I might get this through customs.
Ollivander: ‘Wand, wand, wand… wand… plotpoint…’
Ollivander: *Reading top of wand case* ‘Wash me….. ….’
-Bree the Pirate
–Inspired by Meg’s caption, 12/1/03–
‘Torgo still watching place… Master still away.’
Harry: *Panting* okay. I’ve been all over Diagon Alley, to Gringott’s twice, got into all kinds of dangerous adventures, and I still haven’t got my lollipop!
Ollivander: Well, you want Honeydukes, don’t you? That’s in Hogsmeade.
Harry: Why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?!
Ollivander: Well I had to distract you somehow – you won’t even be allowed there until the fourth book!
Ollivander: M..okay that and it was really funny.
Ollivander: *Reading labels*
First Box: Lost in 1882.
Ollivander: Nope, *puts it back*
Second Box: Accidentally shot out of cannon in 1777.
Ollivander: That’s not it…
Third Box: Tip broken March 15, 44BC. Repaired March 17.
Ollivander: STILL wrong…
Last Box: Licked by dinosaur.
Ollivander: Ah, finally! THAT’s the ticket!
Ollivander: Might I suggest a skinny Chardonnay?
Harry: Shh, you’re not supposed to say ‘skinny,’ JK doesn’t like it!!!
Ollivander: *sigh* …
Harry: Can you hurry up, please, Sir? I have a tight schedule: at 1.00 buy wand, 1.10 go to Hogwarts, 1.30 become the youngest Quidditch player in history, 1.50 be attacked and almost killed by a man-eating three-headed dog, and finally at 2.35 give Voldemort his first chance at killing me.
Ollivander: Gee, aren’t we feeling peppy today?
Ollivander: ‘Made… in China. Aha… Miss Chang, would you come here please?’
Rip Van Winkle: ‘Was this really so dusty yesterday afternoon?’
Ollivander: ‘Hmm… should I give these woollen socks to Dumbledore for Christmas? Naahh, I’m sure he hates them. *Puts box back in shelf* I’ll give him some books instead.’
Ollivander: *Reading* ‘Harry Potter and the… Healthy Towels? Well, now, this doesn’t seem right…’
Ollivander: *Reading* ‘Use only in case a Dark Lord is not completely vanquished…’
Mr. Ollivander, who had mysteriously disappeared in HBP, was discovered currently in the employ of the one and ownly Ms. Joanne Rowling. He had gladly taken on the immensely complicated and tedious task of sorting out all of the little bits of scrap paper and bus tickets etc, which the young female author had taken to writing her ideas upon. We find him now in the shoe box where these said writings were kept:
Jo: *From her office along the landing* Olly, dear, I’m just tying up a few ends in Chapter 8 of DH. Be a star and bring up that receipt from ‘Debanams.’ It’ll be under ‘S’ for shoes!
Ollivander: *Sighs and gazes adoringly upwards* Genius! Positively genius!
Harry: *Off-screen* Why does it say ‘Made by Alivans’ on these boxes, Sir?
Ollivander: Let’s see… whose life can we ruin with plot points today?
Harry: *In front of desk* Hello? Anyone in here?
Ollivander: Perfect! I’ve secreted away to my store’s most hidden corner. Now to read my horoscope in today’s Professor Trelawney Predicts. *Reading* ‘You will meet a boy today and sell him a wand.’ Well, duh! *Reads on* ‘Future looks dim and cloudy. You will disappear and people will wonder what side you are on.’ Like that would ever happen… *sighs* Why do I keep reading these?
Ollivander: …And in this box, we have a wand that is guaranteed!
Customer: *Off-screen* Guaranteed? To what?
Ollivander: To work. It’s the only one, you see. Once I found out I was going to disappear in HBP, I’m afraid the quality of my work has somewhat diminished…
Customer: Oh. Well, I’ll take that one, then.
‘Congratulations, Mrs. Box! It’s a pine wand, 11 inches, 5oz.!’
‘Congratulations, Mrs. Box! It’s a pine wand, 11 inches, 5oz.!’
Scrooge: ‘I vow to reform! I promise to change! I’ll be a new man! I WILL BE A GRUMPY HUMBUG NO MORE! *Looks at clock* Oh… I slept past Christmas… *shrugs* Oh well, I guess I’ll have to wait ’til next year for all that reformation junk… bah, humbug!’
Ollivander: I wonder…
Harry: Who’re you talking to, Sir?
Ollivander: That’s a… *Considers it* …good question.
Fifty years earlier…
Tom Riddle: Hello. I’m in need of a wand.
Ollivander: *Thinking* Should I give him this wand? Well, what’s the worst that can happen, right?
‘My house-elf has been slacking…’
Ollivander: Hmm… here it is!
Harry: What is it?
Ollivander: It’s your parents’ overdue library book they left here when they were looking for a wand.
Harry: …When was that?
Ollivander: Dunno. Don’t care.
Harry: Can I have it?
Ollivander: Heavens no! It’s a library book, for Pete’s sake, I can’t just give it to you!
Ollivander: Hm… Diet, or Regular…?
Ollivander: Interesting… interesting…
Harry: What’s interesting, Sir?
Ollivander: It’s interesting that my old rolling pin has just chosen you.
Harry: Sir? On MuggleNet, it said that Ollivander is an anagram of ‘An Evil Lord.’
Ollivander: Yes, well, never believe those MuggleNetters… *Evil smile* They might mislead you.
Ollivander: Mauve, did you say? I’m afraid we’re fresh out… but we do have the other knee-high snakeskin boots in magenta…?
Harry: Yes, yes, fine, but please keep it down!
Ollivander: You want to know about buying a wand, Mr. Potter? I highly recommend that you check out my new book, ‘Wands: Who Needs Them, Who Makes Them, Who Gets Theirs Snapped in Half, and Which one You will Finally Buy.’
‘Hmm… I could have sworn we had those in an 8 1/2 wide…’
Ollivander: I wonder… No, it cannot be.
Ollivander: Well, this is the kind of flute You-Know-Who used when he auditioned for the Hogwarts Woodwind Instrument Band in 1939.
Ollivander: *Thinking* Oh, wow, it’s Harry Potter! Harry Potter is coming to my store! I must not look at his scar, I bet he hates it when people stare at his scar…
Ollivander: Scar. I mean… hello! You want a scar? I mean, a wand? This is the right scar… place for you. I can remember every scar I’ve ever made… I mean every wand I ever made.
After Harry exits the shop:
Ollivander: *Thinks to self* ‘Oh crumbs! I have lost Voldemort’s spare wand… it’s not in this box… *looks around* Gah, 16 million, 8 thousand 967 boxes to search…’