Week of January 21, 2007
Harry: *Reading* ‘Albus Dumbledore. Current Headmaster of Hogwarts. Considered by many to be the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon’s blood, his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicholas Flamel, and the defeat of the Dark wizard Harry Potter in a big plot twist at the end of Book Seven…’
Ron: Erm… *Coughs* So how about those Chudley Cannons…?
Harry: There isn’t that many sweets, to say we ‘bought the lot.’
Ron: Don’t we ‘buy the lot’ in the books?
Harry: I’m sure it’s the films where we ‘buy the lot.’
Ron: It’s gotta be the books – this lot can’t possibly be ‘THE lot.’
Harry: So what’s in the films then?
Ron: Erm… a bit of ‘the lot?’
Harry: That sounds so stupid! Are you sure?
Ron: Maybe it’s ‘half the lot?’
Harry: I think it might be a quarter of ‘the lot.’
Ron: Nah… then there’d be too many quarters! See, there’s already Nine and Three-Quarters, so we can’t use the word ‘quarters’ again – it confuses the audience. See?
Harry: Not really…
*They sit for a few minutes wondering in silence*
Harry: Maybe it is ‘the lot’ cos it’d be more simple then…
Ron: Come on! This lot cannot be the entire ‘lot!’
Harry: I dunno…
Ron: I know! *Pulls out his copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone and flicks through*
Harry: What the –
Ron: Shh, I found the page! It says you got ‘something of everything and paid the woman eleven silver Sickles and seven bronze Knuts.’
Harry: What? I paid her twelve Sickles? She overcharged me!!!
Ron: You know, Ginny hasn’t even started at Hogwarts yet, but she tells me she’s already made a very powerful love potion that she hides inside candy.
Ron: *Cough* Pig. *Cough*
–Inspired by the movie ‘Contact’–
Harry: There are 400 billion Bertie Botts beans in the world, so if one out of every million of those was red, and one out of every million of those tasted good, and if one out of every million of those were strawberry, then I’m bound to find one someday!
Ron: …You know that’s 0.0000004% of a bean, right?
Ron: ‘Mm… Scabber-head soup! My favorite!’
Scabbers and the Philosopher’s Stone:
‘With the great Harry Potter paying an abnormal amount of attention to a chocolate frog box and his brilliant but unappreciated sidekick Ron Weasley staring idly into space, Scabbers realized that the time had come to take the future of the Wizarding world into his own paws. Ready to face all the obstacles that stood between him and the Philosopher’s Stone, he put on his makeshift battle-helmet, bit his finger and started to run, only to realize that he was two books two early. Realizing that this made him an uninteresting character at this point, he figured he might just as well settle down to a good day’s eating.
Harry: Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans?!
Ron: They mean every flavour. There’s chocolate, peppermint, grape jelly, ham, cheeseburger, tutti-fruti, buttered popcorn, toasted marshmellow, bacon, kippers, toast –
Harry: I should feed them to Dudley. He’d eat the whole thing.
Ron: Wait – there’s also bogey, vomit, ear wax, rotten egg, dirt, grass, earthworm, pepper…
Harry: I should feed them to Dudley. He’d eat the whole thing.
Ron: Okay, Harry, pay close attention, you’ll need to know this for the sixth book.
Harry: *Not really paying attention* Uhhuh… sure… I’m watching.
Ron: Now, I’m going to be poisoned, so you need to shove a bezoar down my throat, just like this…
Harry: *Thinking* I wonder if the frogs really jump…
Ron: Did you see, Harry?
Harry: Oh.. uh, yeah… just like that.
Six Years Later…
Ron: *Lying on the floor, poisoned*
Harry: *Yelling* IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD SHOWN ME WHAT TO DO IN THIS SITUATION!
Harry: My fortune cookie says… ‘Your best friend’s rat is an evil Animagus and will return to Lord Voldemort and then help him kill you.’
Scabbers: *Evil laugh*
Ron: *With food in mouth* I’m Ron, by the way.
Harry: You’re only telling me this NOW?! I’ve eaten about a dozen of them, and you’re only telling me NOW that you’re wrong? So the chocolate frogs ARE real frogs?!
Ron: I wonder if these care-free childhood days will last forever?
Harry: Don’t you remember who I am? I’ll bet you those days are gone by the second week of school…
Harry: *Opening chocolate frog, disbelievingly* Hey, look, I got the Boy Who Lived!
Ron: Really? I’ve got about 27 of ‘im…
Harry: Ron, are you okay?
Ron: Yeah, I just have a frog in my throat.
Harry: Is its name Dolores Umbridge?
Ron: ….I have no idea.
Ron: …and I’m only missing the Agrippa and Ptolemy cards!
Harry: I’ve got Agrippa!
Ron: No way! Let me have it, Harry, please?
Harry: No! It’s MY card! Get your own!
Eric: We don’t even know who the manufacturer of Chocolate Frogs is! He probably sits there behind a desk eating chocolate frogs all day. Meanwhile, MuggleCast…
Ron: *Stifles snigger*
Harry: …So what’s your sister like?
Ron: *Coughing* WHAT?!
Ron: ‘Wow, Harry! You got all this at Ollivander’s?!’
Ron: Oy, Harry, wanna see how close I can get to beat boxing?
Harry: P, to the O, T, T, E, R,
Harry Potter, that’s me, I’m way over par.
I live in a house with the worst sort of Muggles,
And now I’ve found out they aren’t the worst of my struggles.
Voldemort, the Dark Lord, the most evil wizard alive,
Killed my parents, tried to off me, how DID I survive?
Ten years later I’ve found out the truth, a Wizard, me?
I’m heading to Hogwarts to learn and find out what I can be.
Ron: *Goes into beatbox solo*
Hermione: *Walks in and rolls eyes* If you want to make a good impression, then I would suggest NOT rapping. Neither of you are any good, you know…
Harry: ‘…so then, I cut up my baby blanket and made myself this shirt.’
Ron: Do you think that if I tried reading a book, that Hermione girl would notice me?
Harry: Well, you could, but only if you wanted her to notice that you can’t read.
Ron: Right… better stick with the old dirt on the nose trick.
Ron: Life is like a box of chocolates…. you never know who’s going to end up saving the world…
Ron: *Looking at the pile of garbage* Harry? Remember Marjorie the Trash Heap from ‘Fraggle Rock’?
Junior Gorg: *Entering* Fraggles! I need to stamp your tickets.
Harry: I think it’s a Howler, but it’s silent…
Ron: It’s a Cold Shoulder Howler. Oh, snap, someone must really hate you!
Ron: Okay… here’s a good one. Would you rather go on a date with Myrtle or the Gray Lady?
Harry: The Gray Lady.
Ron: Um… Madame Rosmerta or Professor Trelawney?
Harry: Ha! Rosmerta.
Ron: McGonagall or Hooch?
Harry: Hm… question. Is McGonagall in cat form?
Harry: What? It’s an honest question!
*Deleted Scene 37*
Ron: Yo, yo… What up? Ron-shizzle in da howse.
Harry: …Do you do that often?
Ron: …Only in the bathroom.
Harry: Let’s keep it that way.
Ron: *Reading fortune* ‘You will see your true love soon, but you won’t know it until three years from now.’ These things are pathetic!
Hermione: *Walks by*
Harry: *Reading* ‘Three years from now, you will save your dad’s best mate from jail.’ I have to agree with you there!
Ron: Did you know ‘whonky’ with an H has a different meaning than ‘wonky’? *Giggle giggle*
Harry: Time to lay off the sugar, Ron…
Ron: *Clears throat* I don’t think there’s a punchline scheduled… is there?’
Harry: So, do you mean to say the chocolate frogs are alive, Ron?
Ron: No, Harry, they’re just bewitched. To seem that wa- *cough*
Harry: Ron… what is it?
Ron: It’s the – *gag* – frog… it doesn’t want to go *cough* down!
Harry: *Places his chocolate frog down* But I thought you said they weren’t real frogs! I thought you said they weren’t alive!
Ron: Oh, Harry, it’s all slimey and *gag* slippery! Eww, it just doesn’t feel natural! *coughs*
Neville: *Walks in* Have you seen my toad, Trevor? Draco Malfoy covered him in chocolate and threw him onto the candy trolley. Are you alright, Ron?
–In Continuation of Haley’s Caption Last Week–
Ron: You know, my brothers taught me a spell to turn hair red, wanna give it a go?
Harry: Um… sure?
Ron: Because of love he isn’t dead, now turn Harry Potter’s black hair red!
Harry: Why does this say ‘Made in Prydain?’
Ron: Oh, we outsource all our jobs there. It’s much cheaper labor.
Harry: So they’re kind of a third-world… fantasy land?
Ron: Well, duh! They only got one movie and it was made by Disney in the ’80’s!
Harry: Are there many fantasy lands like that?
Ron: Oh, yeah. You should see Kheldour.
Ron: *Bmmph! Tch! Ba-bmmph-bmmph! Tch!*
Y’all act like you’ve never seen a red-header before,
I’m fully a dork,
Just look, at mummy’s wool sweaters I wore!
My brothers muck all about, Fred and George,
Three-headed dogs? Grawp?
Voldemort? Get me out of here!
Cuz I’m Ron Weasley, the grimy and measley,
All you other Ron Weasleys are Wazlibs fo’ sheezy.
Oh, I am that young Seeker’s best friend, yup
Best friend, yup,
Best friend, yup.
Harry: Oh, great. Looks like Ron tried some Wiggery Wizard’s Beatbox Bubblegom…
Harry: Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans?
Ron: And they mean every flavour. Take a look!
Harry: *Pulls out a bean, looks at code key on side of box* This one’s…. Angst.
Ron: …I don’t recall that one – it must be new! What else is there?
Harry: *Digs hand in box, takes another one* Um… ‘Teen Spirit?!’
Ron: Here, let me see… *takes bean, sniffs* Yep! Smells like it.
Ron: Each pack’s got a Famous Witch or Wizard! I’ve got about an’undred, meself!
Harry: *Anxiously rips open Chocolate Frog box, pulls out card*
Ron: Who’d you get?
Harry: I got… ‘J.K. Rowling.’
Harry: *Sighs* Well, she does have artistic license.
Ron: What’s it say on the back?
Harry: Um… *flips the card* Just something small right here – ‘All rights reserved.’
Ron: Blimey! This is what it feels like to be associated with Harry Potter… ™
Hermione: *Pops in* You two had better change into your robes – I expect we’ll be arriving at Hogwarts (c) soon…
Returned from the past to right a few wrongs and shave a few problems out of their lives, Harry and Ron resume their first ever lunch together having instantaneously and undetectably arrived in the first place.
Ron: *Eating some gummy worms, talking with his mouth full* So, ‘Arry, I ‘ear they reckon’ ol’ Sirius Black’s been released from Arzkarban…
Scabbers: *Stops dead*
Harry: Yeah, and apparently the Ministry is cooperating and about to launch a manhunt for Peter Pettigrew, who Sirius claims is still alive! I think he wants to commit the murder he was imprisoned for…
Scabbers: *Starts shivering*
Ron: So how long d’you think until he finds this ‘Pettigrew,’ if he is still alive?
Harry: Well, I think they’ll probably search this train when we arrive at Hogsmeade. Gee… I think it would be quite fun to harbor a criminal… if only we knew where Peter Pettigrew was right now.
Scabbers: *Scurries to the floor, and transforms in front of them* H-h-help me…
Colin Creevey: *Opens door, FLASH, takes picture*
Ron: Aha! And THAT explains what really happened to Percy’s bedsheets!
Ron: *Snacking on the new RETRO Bertie Botts Beans* Ew, Harry! I think I just got ‘URFACE’…!
Harry: Relax, Ron, things could be worse – could have just as easily gotten ‘URMOM’…