Week of January 28, 2007
Seamus: Forty-two bottles of butterbeer on the wall, forty-two bottles of butterbeer! TAKE one down, PASS it around, forty-one bot-
Susan: *wHACKS him with the lantern*
Seamus: … *Sniffles*
Seamus: ‘There it is, girls, Hogwarts…. The beginning of my adventures as a minor character in the Potter universe. Should my character not be killed off, these seven movies will pay for University and allow me to date girls who are much too hot for me. Now that’s magic, true magic…’
Seamus: Whoa… that is one big cas-
Hermione: Shh, quiet! You’re ruining the moment!
Hermione: *Whispers to Seamus* The only reason she’s in the light is because she’s the director’s daughter… I think I saw a tentacle, maybe the squid will take her…
Susan: Look, my liege!
Seamus: *In awe* Hogwarts!
Girl in Background: *In awe* Hogwarts!
Susan: *In awe* Hogwarts!
Hermione: *Derisively* It’s only a model…
Seamus: Look, there’s a ship coming up from under the water!
Hermione: No way!
Random Person: I have a rock?
Seamus: Wow! It’s the world’s largest Lego castle!
Hermione: *Rolling her eyes* Boys!
Hermione: How interesting!
Harry: Um, hello? Protagonist being obscured by secondary characters. Come on, I want to see Hogwarts, too!
Seamus: ‘This is the part of the ride where we see Johnny Depp, right?’
In light of an unforseen shortage of boats, Hagrid is forced to loan his boots to first-year students in order for them to cross the lake.
-Jake A. Ralphing
Hermione and Susan: ‘Our hearts will go on, Leo!’
In a bid to save them from the peril of being cast into Hounddog II, all the child actors of the world were herded into boats and set off into the ocean.
Seamus: *In his squeaky pre-teen tone* Wow! That HUGE castle makes me feel so SMALL!
*Hermione and Susan exchange looks*
Hermione: But, Seamus, you are small…
Seamus: *Turns around angrily* Oh! You HAD to bring that up, didn’t you?!?!
Hermione: Jeeze, I’m sorry, Seamus, I just -
Seamus: It’s not my fault me grandfather was a leprechaun!
Hermione: Oh Seamus, I had no idea -
Seamus: *Wipes tear* The Irish have feelings too, y’know!
Susan: *Mumbles to Hermione* Maybe next time you shouldn’t say anything…
Seamus: What, so now you’re gonna ignore me?!
Girl in the Very Back of Boat: *Jumps into the water and swims away*
Hagrid: *Watches from afar and sighs* That’s the third one this evening…
As the first years arrive at the magnificent Hogwarts School for the first time…
Hermione: *Unimpressed* Hmph, it looked bigger in ‘Hogwarts, a History…’
Susan: Wow… it’s so pretty! I’ve never seen anythin glike it!
Seamus: I know! I have no idea what the whole snake coming out of the skull’s mouth is supposed to mean… but I just love that eerie green light…
Susan: Maybe it’s like a ‘welcome back to school’ thing…?
Hermione: *Thinking hard* Man, if these two idiots would just shut up, maybe I could remember where I’ve read about this…
Seamus: Well, quick! How can we make these boats go faster? I’m excited to get there!
Susan: What fun! *Squeals with delight*
Susan: It’s a bird…
Seamus: No, it’s a plane…
Hermione: No! It’s just Ron and Harry flying the car to school…. wait… oh no! Watch out for that tr… ouch!
Seamus: you’d think the makers of Hogwarts wouldn’t have put a waterfall in our way to the school.
Hermione: *Nods furiously*
Seamus: Whoa, look at the giant castle on a huge rocky cliff.
Susan: It’s beautiful!
Hermione: What are you talking about? This is horrible! Here the castle’s on a cliff, next it will be aside a big grassy field, and THEN there will be a random bridge and courtyard outside of it. So much for consistency!
Voiceover of the Gilligan’s Island Theme:
With Finnigan, Hermione too,
The Hufflepuff and her light,
A random girl, the giant squid and Neville’s toad,
Here at Hogwarts School!
‘WOW! I sure hope Hogwarts is as great as this astounding castle!’
Hermione: It’s a bird!
Seamus: It’s a plane!
Hermione: NO, it’s a BIRD!
Seamus: I can’t believe we’re finally here!
Hermione: I don’t have a very good feeling about this…
Michael Jackson: Welcome, children, to a very magical place!
Hermione: ‘Did you know that 75% of all statistics are made up on the spot?’
The secret entrance to room 652…<
Hermione: *In a whisper* …now is our only chance, push him off!
Seamus: *Falls into lake*