Week of March 27, 2007
Ron: Why is that thing Snape’s boggart?
Harry: Because it’s cute, happy, perky, and he can’t take points from it.
Ron: Good point…
Snape: ‘I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even – *Adds two potions to a cauldron* – create Casper.’
The scientific explanation for why Snape is the only solid one in this picture:
Snape: ‘I, unlike you, Potter, am an Occlumens. That is why I am solid. I am also a Legilimens – that is why I can see through everyone else.’
Snape: ‘Class, we have a new student… *to Casper* Don’t think you’ll have preferential treatment just because you’re Professor Binns’ son!’
Snape: ‘Casper! How did you escape my pants?!’
Snape: ‘I’ll trade all the brats of this universe for an hour with Christina Ricci!’
Ghost: ‘Help! I’m Snape’s inner child!’
Nearly-Headless Nick: SON!!!
Snape and Casper have a few drinks together at the bar for the Halloweeny-Themed Fictional Characters.
Snape: Yeah, and then in the last book they had me killing Dumbledore. Can you believe that?! Just hwen I was starting to get my own following!
Casper: You think that’s bad? At least your universe has continuity. I mean, in the early cartoons I had a ghost mother and father, and then in the movie I didn’t and I was the son of some inventor guy and I died ahundred years ago. Then, in the SEQUEL, I died in the present day. It’s so annoying!
Snape: Well, at least you got Christina Ricci and Hilary Duff… I only get a love life in fan fiction…
Snape: Casper, my old friend, you’re back.
Casper: Yes. Now let’s make Potter boy pay for his father’s taunting!!!
Snape: *Watching Smallville*
Casper: Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for class?
Snape: I am. The lesson is how to make a TV appear even though we’re in a non-electric school!
Casper: Cool! Can you teach me?
Snape: uh, no, it’s forbidden.
Casper: But you just said…
Snape: Get out!
‘Hello! I’m Casper, the friendly imprint of a departed soul!’
Credit for this caption is due to Neil Cicierega’s Potter Puppet Pals series.
Snape: I can teach you how to bottle fame -
Harry: Don’t need it.
Snape: Brew glory -
Snape: And even put a stopper in death.
Casper: You know you can’t do that, right?
Snape: I can teach you how to pickle victory -
Ron: Pickle victory?!
Snape: how to secrete success -
Hermione: Oh my…
Snape: Even score with hot babes.
Casper and Harry: Wait, what?
Snape: Class dismissed.
Harry: Wait, wait! Hot babes?!
Harry: Teach me!
Snape: No, Mr. Potter… ski-dad-dle.
Snape: *Grunting* ‘Will… someone… get this cotton ball out of my face?!’
Snape: ‘Longbottom, I said ”BEZOAR” not ”CASPER”!’
Snape: ‘What the Bloody Baron?!’
Snape: ‘I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory… or even put a stopper to death! Good thing, too – if that’s how we look when we die! I’d rather keep my hair, thank you!’
Ghost: I am living proof that you can die from embarassment.
Snape: Why is that?
Ghost: Well, read the sign on my back.
Snape: *Reads* I see…
Student Off-Screen: What does it say, Professor?
Snape: ‘Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. DeMimsy Porpington. It’s a boy!’
Snape: ‘Ah… our new celebrity. Well, you’ll find, *looking down at roster* Casper, that simply being friendly won’t get you a passing mark in this course.’
Casper: Look, Professor Snape! Hagrid’s here! Let’s go try some of the cookies he brought!
Snape: *Sourly and drawn-out* No, Casper. I’m afraid it’s MY party… I’ll die if I want to.
Harry: *To Casper* Whoa, who are you?
Casper: I’m Snape’s good side.
Harry: Snape HAS a good side?
Casper: I’ve been trapped in a box for copyright reasons.
Snape: Get back here, I can’t afford a lawsuit on my teacher’s salary!
‘I see dead people… small dead people!’
Casper: I am Casper, the friendly ghost!
Snape: Ten points from Gryffindor! We don’t say ‘friendly’ in this dungeon!
Snape: A FRIENDLY ghost? What is this ‘friendliness’ of which you speak?
Snape: ‘And this is what happens to dunderheads who take my class lightly!’
If looks could kill… oh, wait, apparently they can!
Snape: Who are you?
Ghost: It’s me, Peeves! I was on one of those makeover shows. The Bloody Baron says I look 250 years younger!
Peeves: Professor-head, meet my cousin, Casper the Pansy.
Casper: Friendly Ghost, Peevesie…
Peeves: Dont’ call me that, Pansy.
Snape: Pansy is alive and well, and in this classroom. Please leave.
Casper: All right, then.
Peeves: No! What are you doing? He wants us to go, so we have to stay and cause trouble!
Casper: Wouldn’t that make him angry?
Snape: Yes, yes it would.
Peeves: That’s the point – to annoy him out of his greasy mind!
Casper: That’s not nice, though.
Peeves: That’s the POINT!
Casper: Couldn’t we just annoy him as we leave, and make his students giggle incessantly for the rest of the day?
Peeves: *Sarcasm* How are we supposed to do that?
Casper: Like this. *Moons Snape*
Peeves: Hmm… never thought of that.
Casper: ‘I always feel so dirty after gliding through Snape…’
Casper: Umm, Kat? I think I forgot to introduce my fourth uncle, Severus.
Kat: Wow, their parents were really cruel…
Snape: ‘You there, boy! Are you the imprint of a departed soul?’