Week of April 3, 2007
Man: You stand accused, Mr. Harry Potter, of not wearing red. How do you plead?
Harry: Not guilty!
Man: Well, where’s the red, then?
Harry: On my Gryffindor scarf?
Man: Which you are not wearing…
Harry: Oh. Well, then…
Man: How do you plea now, huh huh?
Harry: I plead… Ravenclaw?
…and Harry suddenly realized why those eBay tickets to see the Cardinals play in Vatican City were so cheap.
Harry: *To himself* ‘That’s the last time I go to SuperCuts!’
Harry: Okay, so I didn’t have insurance, but that’s no reason to put me on full trial by the Wizengamot! All I did was crash MY broomstick into MY tree that was in MY front yard. Only for ME to worry about!
Fudge: Well, I’m just here to tell you about MY insurance policy!
Wizard #1: Shoulda
Wizard #2: Coulda.
All Wizengamot: Eastwood-a!
After Harry’s electric chair impersonation failed to impress the Wizengamot, Harry tried a different approach:
Harry: ‘So… what’s with the hats?’
Harry Potter on the newest ride at Disney World, just when the person on the car above him got… sick…
Due to the recent confusion regarding imprints of departed souls, all residents of the Wizarding world have been called in for inspection.
Harry: Harry Potter.
Inspector: Time of Death?
Harry: …Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, final four chapters most likely…
Inspector: Ok. You’re good. NEXT!
Harry: ‘…I’d like to ask the audience, sir.’
Harry: *Thinking* Thank Merlin they can’t peer into my eyes… I hate Legilimency cults… so invasive!
Wizengamot: *Circling Harry as they chant* Bad boys, bad boys, watcha’ gonna do? Watcha’ gonna do when they come for you?!
Voldemort’s better-dressed minions, the Scarlet Troublemakers, having incorrectly guessed Harry’s ‘do as being the source of his power, give him the most brutal haircut imaginable. What they should have done is take away his wand.
Harry: ‘Do I like it? No, I don’t like it. You MONSTERS!’
Fudge: Harry James Potter, you are charged with three accounts of uncannon behavior due to your tidy hair, lack of a scar, and blue eyes; how do you plead?
Dumbledore: Minister, I believe if you look closely you will find that Harry does have a faint scar on his…
Fudge: We don’t have time to listen to more taradiddles. I want this dealt with quickly – I’m trying to finish Book Seven!
Dumbledore: Harry and Voldemort die at the end.
Fudge: I sentence Harry Potter to death since his legal representative ruined the entire series for me. All in favor?
Everyone: *Raises their hand*
Fudge: Good. Execution at dawn. Now, for the next case, Who gets Anna Nicole Smith’s baby… oh no, not this again!
To the tune of ‘Be Our Guest’ from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.
Guys in Funky Hats:
We arrest, we arrest
Every darn law-breaking pest.
We’ll put a noose around your neck, my dear
And fate provides the rest!
Here in court,
(Wow, you’re short!)
Fear us, don’t fear Voldemort!
How ’bout life in Azkaban?
We can give it to you, Dan.
We’ll toss you like garbage
After all, this is Umbridge!
When it comes to overkill, then we’re the best!
Say something in your behalf, you
Know we’ll only sneer and laugh, you’re
Under arrest! Under arrest! Under arrest!
Minister: Mr. Potter, you are on trial representing those people who only put ‘WTF’ as a caption entry – how do you plead?
Wizengamot Judge: Mr. Potter, I’m afraid the neatness of your hair constitutes a radical departure from the book-established cannon. Too radical.
Harry: Um… *looks behind him.*
Judge: Your strangely-attired following can’t get you out of this one!
Harry: ‘Curses! I forgot to wear my Violet Vicar Vestments!’
Harry: Where is everyone going? I thought I was here for my hearing?!
Fudge: *About to leave* We heard Weasley whispering about Molly making meatballs. You think we’re gonna miss those on the count of you, now, do you?!